Please Go In Peace

After my last blog, I received multiple requests to write a blog to compare The Presence Process from Michael Brown and The Completion Process from Teal. I have found Michael Brown’s work remarkable and complementary to Teal’s and would recommend it to everyone but obviously only people that have not studied or read both works would think the processes are the same.  But yesterday morning, a couple of friends directed me to read Teal’s ex-husband (Sarbdeep Swan’s) new vindictive blog.  It was then that I realized that it is more important to look at the person creating the distorted information rather than at the information itself. In the same way that a little bit of research on the Nithyananda cult discredits any attack coming from him and his followers, the same can be said of Sarbdeep Swan.

I first met Sarbdeep in January 2014 in Park City during the Sundance Film Festival. I had a business trip in Utah for fund-raising and thought I would try to meet with Teal, this extraordinary YouTube spiritual teacher who was wise beyond her years. By chance (or turn of destiny) my invitation got accepted at the last minute. I had invited them to the Good Karma restaurant in Park City and I still remember to this day the trepidation I had waiting for her in the restaurant, feeling intuitively that this meeting would change my life.

Well, as you can probably guess, this hunch has proved truer that I would have ever imagined. When Teal came in, I was light-struck by her grace, beauty and magnetism. Sarbdeep and Blake were also present. While Sarbdeep was a bit tense and quiet, he was cordial with me that evening, and it felt like we all had a good connection. We then went downtown to enjoy the Sundance madness.  However Teal quickly felt tired.  The crowds were draining her energy because of her extrasensory gifts. While Sarbdeep brought her back home, Blake and I ended up staying in town a bit longer.

That year, I saw Teal only two more times. I took advantage of an international business trip to India and Europe to attend her London synchronization workshop in April. Our exchange there was limited to a quick friendly hug.  Later that year, in November 2014, I took advantage of another business trip to Utah to visit with Teal & Sarbdeep.  This time, I came with one of my colleagues and we had another pleasant evening with both of them. Teal felt comfortable enough to invite me for tea the following evening at her house. She made the remark at the time that Sarbdeep and I could not be more opposite from an energetic standpoint. I had some good conversation with Sarbdeep that evening and I felt that both of us were on friendly terms. I actually liked him at the time. He appeared grounded, smart and articulate. Later on, after Sarbdeep left Teal to fly home indefinitely to London and we started our love relationship, Teal confessed to me that Sarbdeep hated me from day one. According to her, I made him feel very insecure and she had a couple of bad fights with him just because she accepted our meetings and the occasional gift I would send. There was absolutely nothing going on between us at the time. I was simply one amongst the many acquaintances and friends that appreciate her work.

Sarbdeep would be passive aggressive before and after our meetings to punish her for these brief exchanges. However, when I met with him, nothing of this sort would transpire. Sarbdeep can pose for appearance and is a master of manipulation. Hopefully you can see this from the threatening, emotionally abusive and blackmailing e-mail that he send Teal out of the blue after 9 months of not talking to her…

” From: Sarbdeep Swan
Sent: Friday, September 9, 2016 7:56 AM
To: Teal Swan
Subject:

I have been informed by a number of your ‘fans’ that gecko (his nickname for me) has been spreading the lie that myself and his ex wife have been been sleeping together. (He did actually develop a relationship with my ex wife after he discovered that we were together and fed her information for my ex wife to use in custody court regarding my 2 children against Teal).

Black Swan (his nickname for Teal), you are going to write a blog before the end of this weekend saying that he has been telling this lie and you will say that it is impossible as we live in different countries and have not ever even met. Do not refer to me by name, refer to me as your ‘ex husband’. You will also be authentic and inform the public that you have used Michael Brown’s book The Presence Process for your own healing and journey…….You can thank gecko for putting you in this predicament.

If you do not put this blog up by sunday, informing of these two points, I will do it and I will add some other details, information and facts about you both. Expect a series of blogs uncovering your lies, half truths, manipulations, exaggerations and embellishments, all backed up with proof and evidence. The public have been begging me to continue and I’m on the cusp of going to war with you. Tell that little squirt, man-boy gecko I’m ready for a war at any time….you people don’t stand a chance, and you know it.

There are other things I am aware of, but I will leave these for later, depending on how you handle this.

I was about to take my blog down, but these lies will now be cleared up.

Myself and ‘J’ (His friend John, who is a professional hit man) are planning to see you in the UK at the end of the year to straighten some things out now,  don’t bother being discreet it will take us 15 mins to locate you, wherever you are.

Take me off all your clips or email those that are not linked directly on your site. Either entirely edit my image AND my voice out or take the clips down. If you don’t I will be seeking compensation and damages for using my image and my voice without my permission, and expect a very public response.

I do not want to be associated with your fraudulent ‘teachings’ and your vulgar and trashy public image.

When all is done, we will reconnect and complete any final business. You will at some point wake up to the fact that gecko is the reincarnation of Doc, the unhealed obsessive. When you get to that point, if you want to speak, the door will be open for you and for the truth of your soul.

Don’t bother with a response.

Sunday.
ps. The land and waters of costa rica call you, you should go. You will find it a transformative experience.”

 

I am relating these events so that you understand that while he is attempting to project the appearance of someone straightforward, reasonable and trustworthy, this is unfortunately all posture and a façade.  You need to take the insulting information coming from him with a grain of salt.

Let’s go back in time.  To November 2013. Teal’s career as a spiritual teacher started growing so fast that she had accepted a request to speak overseas in Europe. This was her first international speaking engagement. Blake who was going for the first time to Europe and who was not really aware of the cost of living in London booked a hotel in one of the worst parts of town. Once they arrived, Teal was sent into a panic attack by the thought forms present in hotel (imprints of prostitutes and abuse) while already disoriented by being in a foreign land.  Her deepest fears coming from her childhood were triggered.  They had to find another place to stay.

Later, she was introduced to her bodyguard, a handsome British man of Sikh origin and she felt attached to him instantly.  By some twist of fate, he shared the same birthday as both of her two previous husbands: August 29th.  This was the perfect storm. To his credit, Sarbdeep is an exemplary personal assistant and has worked with some top British politicians and the pop star Madonna. He knows exactly what to do for a celebrity to focus on their job and to not be distracted. During his relationship with Teal, he excelled at preventing triggers and dangers before they showed-up.   He knew how to make her feel safe physically and was very attentive to her boundaries relative to other people. Coming from a very abusive family background, he developed the sixth sense that helped him stay alive as a kid and positively turned it into a professional career. Unfortunately, Sarbdeep was excellent at keeping Teal safe from everyone except from himself…

Within two weeks, Teal brought Sarbdeep to the United States. He did not have a job at the time so both of them were free to experience their passion freely. While their infatuation for each other was real, they quickly got married for a number of reasons. One of them was that Sarbdeep was British and needed to get the paperwork to stay permanently in the US as long as his new wife was there. He felt that the personal assistant work he had been doing so far was beneath him, and he often spoke about wanting to get into politics and get into a leadership role. Teal decided to start a YouTube series called “Tea Time with Teal” in which Sarbdeep co-hosted. Many of these videos shared excellent content but they have unfortunately been removed from the web at his demand after the break-up as her threatened to sue her if they stayed up.

One of their biggest struggles as a couple was around the concept of privacy and openness. In my experience, people who are obsessed about privacy are the ones that are fixated by the image they want to project onto others.  If you re-read Sarbdeep’s accusations towards me, you will see exactly what he in fact did and intends to do with Teal.  It is a deep insecurity that is fueled by a personal sense of inadequacy, and it manifests into the desire to control all the information going to the public. With Teal leading a movement on authenticity, these two could not have been more incompatible.

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Sarbdeep’s  suspicion and jealousy has always been intense. Two weeks into their relationship, Sarbdeep secretly got into Teal’s e-mail account and saw an email exchange between Teal and one of her former boyfriends where she offered him closure and an indication of being on good terms.  While the email did not indicate any form of infidelity, Sarbdeep deemed it inappropriate and withdrew from the marriage, distrusting her yet never confronting her about it until he had left the country over a year later.  It was then that he began to look at her every move through the lens of ‘infidelity’.  He demanded that she stop wearing provocative clothing and stop smiling at other men.

In astrological terms, both Teal and I have our moon in Aquarius so our love energy is naturally quite diffused which is a nightmare for insecure partners. As Teal explained in a previous blog, she is emotionally polyamorous meaning she needs to experience emotional intimacy with multiple friends but she is definitely monogamous sexually and romantically.  To my surprise, she is actually more conservative than I am. She has been a serial monogamist since she escaped the cult and she has one of the healthiest attitude towards sex that I have experienced. This came to me as a surprise too considering the amount of sexual abuse she experienced as a child and teenager.

The fact is that Teal is an extremely attractive woman and there are thousands of men out there in love with her. There is not a week in our life where she does not receive a deep passionate love letter from an admirer or an ex from her past or a new pretender trying to win her heart. You can understand that this type of situation would be an utter nightmare for someone who is as insecure or as jealous as Sarbdeep. Compounded with an ultra sensitivity for danger, Sarbdeep was always on alert with Teal and this pressure was too much from him. As a result, he decided he knew what was best for her and tried to build a cage to isolate her where he felt he could keep her from the world.   However he was in fact trying to keep himself safe from his own insecurities.

Since she was 19, Teal’s own sense of safety had been guaranteed by her small intentional community composed of long time and loyal friends such as Blake. Sarbdeep made every effort to discredit all these members to Teal so that she would leave them behind. Sarbdeep’s fantasy was to make Teal an immense success on the world stage as a spiritual teacher.  To him, all of her friendships were impediments to that goal. She fought hard to preserve this boundary.  She felt intuitively that if she let go of her inner circle, Sarbdeep would just switch his focus to something else that she would have to change about herself to be treated well by him.  Fortunately, she held strong at the time and was able to keep both Blake and Mark in the house.

Sarbdeep has been spreading the rumor that Teal had been cheating on him with me during the course of their relationship.  Something most people do not know is that when Sarbdeep left, he did not tell Teal whether or not there was hope for the marriage.  For three months after Sarbdeep left, he barely communicated with her and left her on a hook until he eventually said “I cannot ever commit to you”.  He gave no reason for this behavior at all until 9 months had passed (after Teal and I had already begun dating).  He then told her the entire reason he shut down in the relationship and withdrew into his avoidant attachment style was because he could not trust Teal to be faithful. How would that be possible when he was with her every single minute of every day until their break-up when he abandoned her to retreat back to London instead of fighting to improve the relationship?  I guess fidelity does not mean the same thing to one person as to the next.  It sure as hell doesn’t mean the same thing for the British and for the French.  Where I come from, it means not sleeping with anyone while you are in a committed relationship.

Teal’s videos are often inspired from her personal life and struggles. From this standpoint, you can easily see if I am in trouble by the title of her videos 😉 For example, when she released a video on attunement, it is because she was frustrated with my “bubble”. When you are married to Teal, there is no choice but to constantly work on yourself. It works with a self-improvement junkie like me but it can be very intimidating for most men as there is really nowhere to hide. The most problematic part is that she is right 99% (she would say 100%) of the time!

I remember the first time, early in the relationship, when she mirrored an unconscious part of me. I was terrorized at the idea of being vulnerable with her.  I was afraid she may use it against me or leave me because I was not good enough for her. I decided to let go because I could not hide from her anyway. She was actually very supportive to my surprise and it was so different from what I experienced in previous relationships. Overtime I have learned to relax, not resist and just do the work knowing she is always there for me. Resisting is pointless. As such, the last 15 months have been the most amazing journey though it is not for the faint of heart.  All of my shadows are exposed one by one.

As Teal’s partner, if you are not quick enough to work on your shadows, they end up on the weekly AskTeal video.  As you can see, this would be hellish for someone so preoccupied with privacy and appearance.  However from the looks of it, Sarbdeep has now overcome his resistance around privacy as he has started a blog to denigrate and ‘expose’ Teal.

In early 2015, Teal released a video on overcoming porn addiction (which was then reposted in October 2015 by Blake who needed to change one picture at the request of a viewer). This episode related to Sarbdeep’s personal challenge. Because of the trauma originating from his childhood, he developed a suppressed hatred for women in general.  His sexual fantasies revolved around objectifying women, submitting them, using them sexually then disposing of them.  You can imagine the damage this would do to a woman he is in a relationship with.  Some months before the relationship ended, he stopped all sexual contact with Teal saying to her “I can’t be turned on by you because you’ve been touched by too many men, it’s like no one wants to wear used clothing.” Can you imagine the true character it takes to say that to a woman who has been sexually abused?

If we go back to Teal’s videos around that time, you in fact have a window into their relationship. The Zebra and The Watering Hole was her personal encouragement to meet her own needs instead of dying emotionally in the desert of her relationship.  If you can’t tell from the way he has responded post-breakup, Sarbdeep was the most emotionally abusive man that Teal had ever had a relationship with in her adult life.

Sarbdeep has one thing in mind – to either control Teal or destroy her.  It is a common pattern in abusive relationships, which is what the relationship was.  I, personally cannot believe that people don’t immediately see that from what he is doing now publicly to try to destroy her.  Also, both husbands that Teal had previous to Sarbdeep (as well as myself as her current husband), have a completely different opinion of Teal that he does.  Mark for example says openly that Teal is one of his favorite people walking the planet and that she is still one of his best friends.  So much of what Sarbdeep says about her is simply a flat out lie.  When people ‘resonate’ with Blogs like Sarbdeep’s that are designed to completely demolish someone’s public image, they rarely consider that many people, who are equally qualified if not more qualified to speak to Teal’s actual character, do not agree with what he has said about her at all.

A relationship expert once said that it takes three ingredients for a successful marriage. First, people have to be in love. Secondly, they need to be compatible and thirdly, they need to have access to tools that allow them to face the inevitable challenges in the relationship.  It is upsetting to me that Sarbdeep can’t just be an adult and admit to that and take that knowledge about how critical compatibility and commitment are into his next relationship.

Despite all the relationship struggles they experienced together, Teal never ceased to be committed. She even honored the three-month wait after he abandoned her by going back to England.  I can even attest to this personally because when I, myself wrote Teal a love letter professing my love, she wrote me back telling me that she was going to give her relationship everything she could until there was no more hope.  I don’t know everything about Sarbdeep was but I was raised to understand that abandoning a woman for a foreign country and expecting her to stay indefinitely committed to him in his absence OR to change herself completely so that the relationship can resume on his terms… is abuse instead of love.

I am a proponent in society of reciprocity in relationship. We should start all relationships with a positive demeanor and work on conflict resolution when problems emerge. However when you are faced with individuals that are clearly antagonistic and are completely lost in their own control drama and whose sole goal is to hurt people around them, one cannot simply turn the other cheek. If we had followed this advice during the Second World War, we would all be speaking German today. A lot of spiritual people are so afraid of negativity that they are ready to accept the intolerable and make it OK to avoid a fight.

It is not OK for anyone to disparage my wife and my friends publicly, unfairly and untruthfully. As part of the divine masculine, we men are supposed to be protectors too and fight for what is fair and just. Among Teal’s followers today, there are a lot of people who have been victims. Many of these people were often more traumatized by the fact that there was no one there to protect them after the initial assault and that their own family and friends would abandon them.  How many women victims of rape have been humiliated and discredited after they went to the authorities to look for justice?  This coward like attitude that is so rampant in our society is the reason why psychopaths and murderers like Doc are still free and continue to commit their heinous acts.

A couple of years ago, I went to a holotropic breathwork workshop. A woman in the room was able to fully re-experience the pain of being raped as a teenager and was yelling her lungs out. This put me in a trance and I relived a past life where my daughter had been raped but instead of being supportive of her, I was instead angry at her for the shame and dishonor she was bringing to the family. Only as an old man, did I realize that the damage I had done to her was actually worse to her rapist and I was burdened at the time by guilt, pain and regret.

As you know, falling in love is as much about the attraction of the dark between two individuals as it is about the attraction of the light. Me and Sarbdeep are no different there with our relationship with Teal. As Teal previously mentioned in her blog, she has a tendency to look subconsciously for a mate that mirrors the male figures that had the most impact in her childhood, basically Dad and Doc in order to bring resolution and healing.

I understand that Sarbdeep has called me the “reincarnation of Doc”, “The unhealed obsessive” and I am about to show you it is a complete projection of Sarbdeep himself.  Sarbdeep is not psychopathic like Doc but can definitely be dangerous when consumed by rage or jealousy. Both Doc and Sarbdeep have an inflated ego and are obsessed by narcissistic control over the person they wish to control. When Teal escaped, Doc was so sure that his programs worked that he was convinced that Teal would eventually “come home” to him. In the same way, when Sarbdeep left to England in March 2015, he was convinced that Teal could not live without him and would have no choice but to leave her intentional community, comply to his opinion about what is best for her and come to him in London. During their relationship, Sarbdeep had no problem using Teal’s triggers and PTSD as “hooks” to secure her dependency on him.  Hooks he used yet again in the e-mail he sent to terrify her this last week.  He even grabbed her and threw her onto a bed and left her alone so he could take a shower in the middle of a dissociative seizure because he was so sick of dealing with her condition.  Another member of the community personally witnessed this.  When they broke up, Teal was completely devastated.  She dropped to 97 pounds.   But she did not submit to Sarbdeep’s controlling, emotionally abusive manipulation tactics thanks to the support of Blake, Graciela and Mark. During their relationship, Sarbdeep was frequently shaming her, stating she was an embarrassment and that only he could make something out of her. He put himself in a position of power that she would be lost without him and that not one person out of her entourage was qualified to protect her. None of us that were watching her videos during this time could have even imagined what was going on behind closed doors because, like Doc, Sarbdeep is so good at posing as an esteemed and respected member of society.  And because unlike Sarbdeep, after their breakup, Teal took the high road by NOT publicly exposing what he was actually doing to her.

Despite the reality of what really went on in Sarbdeep and Teal’s relationship, she has kept their “pact” to not go public to discredit each other.  Sarbdeep had failed to honor this promise when he started to release his vindictive blogs.

We have the tendency to think that we are the ones saving the day, when in fact we are actually the villain.  Sarbdeep says that I am the “reincarnation of Doc”.  Re-read the email he sent Teal at the beginning of this blog and his blogs about Teal and you can decide who you think the reincarnation of Doc in Teal’s life really is.

I want to help Teal heal this aspect of trauma that is the result of not being defended by her Dad against Doc as a child. Blake, Mark and I all share this character aspect of her dad. We are the good guys that want to please everyone and as a result may lack the backbone at times to stand for her. We have the tendency to make OK what is not OK so as to avoid making waves. We can minimize a serious situation in order to not experience the discomfort related to adversity. We can be un-attuned and as a result miss all the warning signs and as a result bring our loved ones into a shark’s lagoon. We men, need to re-own our protector side and stand for our women.

As Sarbdeep is now fully endorsing the authenticity movement, I am sure he will have no problem sharing with everyone that after they broke up, he demanded to receive 15% of the royalties of her upcoming book The Completion Process while he never contributed financially to the household (in fact, Teal was giving him a monthly allowance). This was an interesting request from someone that is now claiming that her book is a full plagiarism.

Shortly after Teal and I started our relationship in June of 2015, he reconnected with her after months of utter silence (he knew her fear of isolation was a hook) as he had heard rumors she was in a new relationship. She was deeply bothered by her conversations with him, in which he was super abusive.  I sent him an email asking to skype him so that both Teal and him could eventually develop a friendship in a similar way that she had done with Mark previously. He ignored me completely but instead sent her an email about me on July 27th, 2015:

“I am genuinely concerned for you and for your work should you pursue this course of action with Ale. All the signs physical and non-physical are not in favor of this. He has no integrity and no morality, and is deceitful with EVERYONE in his life. Multiple infidelities with his wife, while at the same time telling you he loved you, in a sense he has already cheated on you. Being ‘friendly’ with myself and Blake and getting involved with your workshops solely to get to you. Cheating on the ones he was cheating with, lying to his company board members and management about the shares he gave you. Who is he honest with??

His company is part of the Big Pharma and Bio Technology market, and are a part of the very machinery you so despise and have dedicated your life to fighting. Nestle – Famous for the ‘Breast Milk Scandal’ in poor and 3rd world countries. They are privatizing all the water in the world and have famously said – ‘Clean drinking water is not a human right’. The biotechnology companies, creating GMO’s and vaccines. His work may not be directly involved with these but he is a part of the machinery of this system and by owning shares in his company, you are a part of this machinery to, in essence you have crossed over to the other side.

He is corrupt and that is infecting you now slowly..all the money used to pay for the gifts he bought you and are probably planning your life with him is earnt from this corruption. Stuart wrote an article about these companies before he died and called them ‘Satans Army’ – he’d be turning in his grave.

He is also working his way into your work and your company ‘taking responsiblity for you in accordance with masculine tradition’ as you said in a previous email is not pure – it is about control, he seeks to control and possess you. Getting in will be easy, getting out of the relationship will be difficult. He is a SOCIOPATH, just out of curiosity google the traits and see how many traits he has. He will make Fallon seem like walk in the park. When things turn with him, they will turn very bad – he has the deviousness and patience to cause some very real problems.

Everyone is against this and I mean EVERYONE.”

If you love what Sarbdeep has to say about Teal, then you have no commitment to the truth about Teal.  You simply want validation for the negative emotion that you, yourself feel towards her already and want to be justified for feeling this way.  But for anyone who is sitting on the fence about Teal, know this:  I have now been with this magnificent woman called Teal longer than Sarbdeep was with her. I fully understand why he cannot get over Teal. Before Teal, I did not understand what love really meant. This woman has such capacity for love, such sensitivity and passion that she would make every love relationship after her unpalatable.

There is no guarantee that I may not end up in the same misery as Sarbdeep is in, in the future.  But the difference between Sarbdeep and me is that I understand how lucky and fortunate I am.  And I will fight for her love as long as I can make this next breath. I understand she is this beautiful bird that needs be free and spread her large wings, and I trust God that she will want to come back to me over and over again.  If I treat her right and never take her for granted.  She was never interested to stay in a cage and cannot be constrained.

Who is Sarbdeep trying to fool when he says “I have been hoping not to publish this blog, but I knew deep within me that I would eventually have to present it to the world.”?  The zealous that spread defamation and hatred to “save the world” are the most dangerous people on the planet. Please do not join the growing ranks of radicals and fanatics that are making our world more and more unsafe. Go in peace.  People who are paying any attention, see in Sarbdeep a jealous man driven by revenge and not a righteous man concerned for the victims of an imaginary perpetrator.

Sarbdeep, I beg you to stop wasting your time and precious energy and start using your own gifts to make this world a better place.  Teal loved you fully when she was with you, and fought with everything she had to make your relationship work.  All of the people who knew you both when you were together corroborate this reality.  So why do you need to drag her into your mud? You are the one that needs help so stop focusing on us and move on with your life. Teal and I have a loving relationship and we do not need you to save us, our friends or our community.  We both wished instead that you could have been one of those friends.

It is not ok that you vilified Graciela in your last blog. I understand that the term “personal maid” or “domestic worker” disgusts you because this is what many British snobs called you when you exercised your position as a personal assistant. From my perspective, all professions are respectable. In fact, Graciela recently resigned from her position as homemaker to focus on her true passion and gift, which is emotional caretaking. We have attracted a wonderful new woman to replace her and it feels a win-win on both sides. Are you actually experiencing pleasure denigrating and putting down others?

I would like to finish this blog with a quotation from Martin Niemöller

“First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out—Because I was not a Socialist.

Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out—Because I was not a Trade Unionist.

Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out—Because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me.”

This is why it is so critical to stand for one another in our community.

Also, I am offering to remove this public blog if Sarbdeep reinstates his pact of non disparagement in the public with Teal by removing both of his slanderous blogs about Teal. Also, I will be happy to debate publicly over Skype with Sarbdeep with a neutral moderator to work out these issues one for all if he is not afraid of it.

 

 

 

 

 

Beyond The Nithyananda Smoke

As many of you know, Teal recently received an attack from Indian devotees of Sri Nithyananda Swami claiming that Teal had taken The Completion Process and that it was a process that only he as a true enlightened master could receive directly from old Vedic tradition. They joined forces to leave a number of nasty reviews against Teal’s new book The Completion Process on Amazon.com which resulted in 55 “1 star” derogatory reviews.

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I received another message this morning.  A message from one of Teal’s devoted fans with whom I had a couple of exchanges in the past.  She shared with me that she was deeply troubled and confused about the claim of plagiarism. She was so distressed that she was ready to throw the baby out with the bathwater and disregard everything she had learned from Teal so far and the positive changes that came to her life as a result. Most people have a tendency to believe what is said as long as it is repeated enough times. This is why defamation is so unfortunately effective. This is also the principle of marketing, and why companies or politicians spend billions of dollars in advertising. Rarely does a human being use his logical mind and reason to evaluate the veracity of a statement. His notion of truth is simply based on the fact that he hears the same message from multiple sources, especially if these sources are “trusted”.  He will consider them as truth. It is not about what you say, but how often you will hear it and from how many people. This is how people came to believe at one time that cow’s milk was good for children’s development or that red meat is required for a balanced nutrition or that Coke is a healthy drink which boosts your energy and attractiveness or that Trump will make America great again.

Also, even the people who do not adhere to herd mentality rarely have the time to evaluate facts and figure out for themselves if they can believe or disregard a defamatory statement. They will follow the old adage stating “There is no smoke without fire” and the defamed person’s reputation will be unfairly irremediably stained.

I decided to take the time today to objectively investigate the claims made by Sri Nithyananda Swami devotees and see if it has any ground so that I can at least share my findings with those of you who don’t have the time to research if something is true of not.

Sri Nithyananda Swami is a self-proclaimed enlightened Indian Guru. His name means literally: “Your Highness Bliss & Joy Always Eternally Yogi Master”. The short trailer on his Facebook page shows that he does not doubt for a second the pompous name he gave himself.  Neither Teal nor I even heard of him prior to the attacks, which is an unfortunate way to become acquainted with a fellow spiritual teacher.

If you look at his official website, he claims to have 1000 centers in 150 countries and 10 million followers.

Let’s first evaluate his claims objectively by comparing him to Teal. Teal has about 320,000 followers on her YouTube channel today, however we could limit the title “follower” to the Teal Tribe that has about 15,000 members or the number of followers on her FaceBook page which is 74,000 (while Nithyananda has 7,855 followers on FaceBook). To keep it simple, let’s take a gross average and assume that Teal has 100,000 followers today for the purpose of our analysis which according Nithyananda would be about the hundredth of the size of his following.

If we go on Alexa to compare the web traffic of Teal and Nithyananda, Teal’s ranks 156,000 globally whereas Nithyananda is ranked 878,000 far behind her. Interesting… Nithyananda’s following is 100 times larger than Teal but his website has far less traffic.

Nithyananda claims also on his website that he is the most watched spiritual teacher on YouTube today – Over 3000 hours of discourses on topics ranging from life solutions to enlightenment, with viewers from 150 countries

Actually, Nithyananda total views on his YouTube channel is 24 million views compared to Teal’s 35 million views while he has over 4,300 videos compared to Teal’s 300. On average, every one of his videos is watched about 5,000 times while Teal’s 115,000 times so Teal can now claim that her videos are watched on average 23 times more than the most watched spiritual teacher on YouTube today. How about that for marketing!  😉

Following these metrics, we can deduct that Nithyananda’s following is about 5,000 people and not 10 millions as he claims. This would imply that Nithyananda sees himself 2,000 times bigger than he actually is. How about that for an inflated ego?

If we go on his Amazon page, we will find 97 books from Nithyananda. Most of them are not really books but transcripts of some of his discourses. If you take the time to look at all of them, not a single one of his books is about The Completion Process that his followers believe he received from old vedic tradition.

After more research, I was able to find one of his videos dated July 25th, 2013 talking about his technique for Instant Completion. He actually never talked about a Completion Process. Completion is a very common term especially in terms of spirituality so attacking someone because they are using their healing modality called The Completion Process while you have called yours Instant Completion in one of your 4,300 videos is a bit far fetched. Nithyananda actually never did anything with this technique or marketed it separately. We did a Trademark search and it never showed up. Teal actually developed the completion process back in 2009.  So even the dates do not match when he states he developed this process before her.

Let’s now give a closer look to see if Nithyananda and Teal’s processes are similar.

Nithyananda starts with a very compelling marketing claim about his process to his followers: “If you listen intensely, end of the satsangh you will be complete.”

Well, this looks way more attractive than Teal’s Completion Process 🙂

With his great teaching, there is no need to experience the discomfort of diving into your trigger and re-experiencing and releasing the pain of your childhood. You just need to listen to Swami and you will be complete!

If you are smart or patient enough to read through the gibberish of Nithyananda, he describes Completion with his charming Indian accent as the following:

  • Having best inner image;
  • Having best outer image;
  • Having best idea about others and life; and
  • Being very sincere about what others hold you for.

And, if you are at the peak and best of all these four, you are living in a state of completion.

He goes on by describing his process as defining what you want for you, what you want to project as you, what you want to carry, how you want to hold yourself up to that. He then asked the devotees to make a clear description, and write down all the obstructions and obstacles. He defined those obstacles, those obstructions, as incompletions.

This seems very theoretical to me as he does not explain any step on how to deal with the obstructions.

Anyone that has read Teal’s book will see that there is not even a remote connection between her Completion Process and Nithyananda’s Process for Instant Completion which seems more like hocus pocus.

While the notion of soul retrieval is nothing new, as shamans and various healers of many spiritual traditions have been practicing it since the beginning of humanity, Teal’s approach is unique as it makes it more accessible to everyone as it is based on using the guidance and the wisdom of our own body to start the process and bring back the lost parts of ourselves. This is very liberating as now individuals can accomplish healing without the need of a Guru, expensive treatments or intricate rituals. The 18 steps of her process are very well defined and not theoretical so that even novices can feel supported and make progress on their healing journey.

While people can certainly use certified practitioners of the completion process to have a container and receive loving support, this is not required. Her vision in creating her process, which is the direct result of her own experiences, was to democratize healing because unfortunately most of the people suffering from mental illness today do not have the financial means to hire a skilled therapist, go to retreats or even have time for deep introspection.

As Teal’s partner, I have facilitated this process on her many times and I know she has been using variations of it on herself over the past 10 years.  Years where she was faced with healing one of the most traumatic childhood experiences that anyone can face. Her story is a living example that one can heal from trauma. On the opposite, Nithyananda’s life does not seem to be congruent with his high teaching, and I will address this more specifically later in the blog.

Nithyananda finishes his sermon on a completely different topic while still using the term Completion.

“Understand, I am giving you some of the deepest, sacred secrets. Even if you understand your cognition can be changed, for example, you are seeing this pillar as a pillar. Today if I declare this as God and start worshipping it within ten days you will see this as God. Your cognition can be changed. If I declare this pillar as a demon, in few days you will see demon in it. Your cognition can be changed. […] With this, with the understanding cognition can be changed, start living and thinking. Your very thinking will be completion. This is the science of spontaneous completion, instant completion.”

He is basically talking about the power of belief. I suppose he is getting ready to attack Tony Robbins and other motivational speakers next for talking about this concept of belief creating reality as only he comes from a pure Vedic tradition and therefore only he can receive this esoteric knowledge 🙂

To Nithyananda’s credit, he can definitely be a good teacher of the power of belief. He brought so much certainty to the belief of himself being a great enlightened Guru that he managed to create a collective reality with a couple thousand followers subscribing to his phantasmagoria.

As often in cults, the attacks do not originate directly from the Guru, he typically uses some of his devotees to do the dirty work. I found that most of the attacks came from 3 of his most ardent followers looking for favors and attention from their beloved Guru.

screen-shot-2016-09-10-at-2-47-56-pmAll three in their thirties, they were renamed so that their name would carry both the terms “Nithya” and “Ananda” as allegiance to their Master. Two are Caucasians and the third one is Indian [this is incorrect, she is in fact Canadian raised as a Catholic which explains why she speaks so well English] and has her own YouTube channel. She described herself as a monastic Hindu of the Nithyananda Order, committed to the spiritual awakening of humanity!  In my opinion, spiritual awakening rarely looks like publishing multiple videos AGAINST someone else and asking her following directly to take action to destroy them.

Ironically, she is the same age as Teal (about 6 months younger), has her own YouTube channel with 163 videos and 44,000 subscribers that she started 10 months after Teal. She is good-looking, articulate (her English is in fact much better than her Guru) and she shares many of the same interests as Teal (veganism, love for animals, artistic, etc…).

Typically, each one of her videos are watched 5,000 times.  However, her video attacking Teal Swan had 50,000 views.  What does this teach us?  When someone is starved for attention, they will do anything to get it, even if they have to get it by disparaging another more popular teacher to get it.  Hate and controversy gets you lots of views.  Her obsession about Teal seems to be driven by envy. Instead of using Teal as an inspiration for her career, Teal represents what she has failed to achieve. It is a great temptation for someone that does not like what they see in the mirror to break the mirror rather than being introspective.

Unfortunately, it is likely that this attractive and intelligent young devotee did not leave Nithyananda indifferent as there are hundreds of articles on the Internet about his voracious sexual appetite for his admirers

I am not sure if this is sad, terrifying or funny, but Nithyananda actually makes all of his volunteers sign a sex contract before they can work in his organization.

On page 9 of this confidentiality agreement, it reads: “Volunteer understands that the Program may involve the learning and practice of ancient tantric secrets associated with male and female ecstasy, including the use of sexual energy for increased intimacy/spiritual connection, pleasure, harmony, and freedom. Volunteer understands that these activities could be physically and mentally challenging, and may involve nudity, access to visual images, graphic visual depictions, and descriptions of nudity and sexual activity, close physical proximity and intimacy, verbal and written descriptions and audio sounds of a sexually oriented, and erotic nature, etc. By Reading and signing this addendum, Volunteer irrevocably acknowledges that he/she is voluntary giving his unconditional acceptance of such activities and discharges the Leader and the Foundation, and anyone else not specifically mentioned here but directly or indirectly involved in the organization, management, or conduct of any such programs from any liability, direct or indirect, arising from such activities.”

This is basically a cover up for the Swami’s sexual addiction that is in line with his megalomaniac tendencies.

Unfortunately, India is plagued with these false prophets that believe they are God incarnated. They abuse their power over their gullible followers to exploit them both financially and sexually. Spiritual cult brainwashing is a much more complex topic that one may initially think and may be the topic for a future blog.

Along the same lines, Sathya Sai Baba was a very influential recent Guru. He had the same tendencies and dysfunctions than Nithyananda but unfortunately with much larger impact to become one of the biggest pedophile of our times. I recommend to watch the BBC video produced in 2004 called The Secret Swami Satya Sai Baba to increase your understanding on this matter.

Let’s use our mind and power of discrimination to find truth instead of brainlessly swallowing the noise of defamation. And yes, while there is no smoke without fire, the fire is often only the envy, jealousy, anger or hatred of an individual that is being targeted.

 

 

Healing The Un-Healable

Teal woke me up at dawn this morning. She felt extremely dizzy. I walked her to the bathroom, as she could not do it herself. I re-assured her, held her tight and got one more hour of rest. Still in my arms, I asked her if she was feeling better. She replied that she had not slept and had been doing mental & emotional exercises to counteract the dizziness. I thought she might have BPPD (Benign Paroxysmal Positional Vertigo), a condition I suffered a couple of years ago. I started to apply the Apley maneuver on her.

Blake walked into the room and wondered what I was doing with her. He has gotten used to non-normality having lived with Teal for thirteen years. He inquired about her condition with genuine care. He had come into the room to go over the last actions on the agenda today for helping Teal make the New-York Times Best Seller list with her new book “The Completion Process”. But she was not in the condition to talk about the plans. By a lucky twist of fate, one of our community members stopped by the house and came up into our bedroom to say hello. As a victim of ritual abuse too, she realized that Teal’s dizziness was most likely not a physical condition as I had suspected but was instead a symptom of a trigger. Some cults use a variety of programs to confuse, disorganize or block the memories so that the victim cannot speak about the abuse or often even remember it.   These programs are called “scrambler programs”. Teal has unraveled several of these programs within herself over the last 10 years. We collectively decided that Teal should do The Completion Process by going into the dizziness instead of trying to take action to make the dizziness go away. But today was Mark’s birthday (Teal’s ex husband and the father of her son). So the community had several birthday activities planned. We made the decision that Teal and I should stay behind to do this important healing work and meet up with them later.

I locked the door to ensure that our process would not be interrupted. Before starting, I asked Teal if anything happened that could have created the dizziness. She remembered she had a small panic attack last night. Before going to sleep, she went to check on Winter (her son). But she could not find him in his bedroom. She went to Blake’s room and other parts of the house and eventually came to me out of breath and full of terror, saying that she could not find Winter anywhere. I went to his room that had been transformed in a fortress over the weekend. After scouring the fort, I found him. He had made his way up on top of the fort and was sleeping in peace out of view. Because of his position and the blanket fortress, it was impossible to see him from the entrance of his bedroom or from inside the fort. Teal could breath again. But the emotional damage had been done. Unfortunately, we went to bed immediately after the incident without working through any of the terror she had felt thinking that he had been abducted.

I started to guide her into the Completion Process. The first step is to get in touch with the body sensations and the feeling that pertains to the trigger, dizziness in her case. She felt her heart being torn. She was frozen and in a state of shock. She started to get the intense smell of dial soap so she dived deeper into this smell, understanding that it was part of the traumatic memory that was linked to the trigger.

Teal, 11 at the time, found herself in the basement of the mortuary where Doc’s friend worked. The man was washing the body of an older woman who was there to be prepared for a funeral with Dial soap. Teal expressed her distress at remembering the absence of bleeding, which she explained is characteristic of corpses. Doc and the mortician had put her into a plastic basin of icy water from her necks to her knees. They had waited for her to stop shivering and then Doc and the mortician spun her in circles to the right until she was so dizzy that she was falling over. Doc and the mortician were programming her so that she would forget what she had seen just hours earlier that day. I asked her to rewind back to see what had happened before she was brought to the mortuary. She saw a hand. It was a child’s hand coming out of a wooden storage crate. The memory started to unfold.

It was 1995. Teal’s mother had wrapped up cold boiled corn in a plastic bag and sent her with Doc on veterinary rounds. Teal’s parents mistakenly considered him a family friend and a mentor for Teal’s unusual extrasensory abilities at the time. He drove Teal to a dairy farm. It was the most dilapidated dairy farm they visited on rounds. The conditions were ghastly. Doc had been called to put a cow to sleep that was infected with listeria. It is a disease that makes cows turn around in circles until they cannot move anymore. Teal stood in the manure, frozen as usual, when a man came out of the farm brick house looking upset and preoccupied. He went over to speak with Doc in private at a distance in the paddock. Doc became visibly upset as well and waved for Teal to come right away.

Doc started driving in a rush with his truck. When Teal asked where they were going, he hit her very hard and angrily on the head with his fist. Her vision went black as a result. She pretended she had been knocked out to avoid further beating. After a while, he pulled into the driveway of a red brick house. Doc was so disconnected and caught up in his own thoughts that he did not acknowledge Teal. He focused his attention on a distressed man coming out of the house. Teal assumed that he had an emergency problem with an animal of some kind and had called Doc for this reason. She recognized the man as a newer cult member. He had attended a ceremony Teal was taken to previously. Doc acted suspicious as he took Teal to the right side of the house to a side entrance. It was as if he did not want the neighbors to notice them.

They went down into a cellar that was loosely attached to the main house. It was full of old rusted farm tools and some storage food. In the right corner of the cellar, there was a rectangular cement pit with a huge wooden shipping crate laid over the top of it. Teal went into shock when she saw the tiny hand of a little girl trying to reach out through the slits of the crate. She was crying and begging to be let out. She would stop for minutes at a time then start crying again and reach out through the slits. The man who owned the house was sweating. He was telling Doc that he wanted to drop her off where he had found her, like nothing happened. He had abducted her in order to be elevated in the cult ranks by offering her in sacrifice for the upcoming September 21st equinox ceremony. He was expected to keep her during that time but the despair and angst of the innocent victim that was probably only 6 had started to shake the little bit of conscience that was left in him. He was panicking and wanted to take it back. He was not yet a full-blown psychopath like Doc that had lost any capacity for feeling. Doc had been sent by the other cult members to survey and “cleanup the mess” this man had created.

Doc explained to the man that he had to keep the little girl until the next ritual or kill her and that he could not bring her back under any circumstances, as it would put him as well as the cult at risk. Their discussion continued for a while and during that time, they were fully oblivious to Teal. Doc became impatient and fed up with the man’s weakness and indecision so he took the matter into his own hands. He charged into the house and took the man with him. Teal had sat down in the cellar and was staring at this little hand in complete terror. She was mentally running through scenarios about letting her out and escaping with her. She was unsure if she could move the crate. Lost in thought, she mentally ran through all the potential consequences of making an escape with the girl.  But Doc interrupted her frantic thinking when he stormed in carrying a huge pot of boiling water. He dumped it onto the little girl through the crate. The little girl was screaming and crying. He reached back to take a second pot of boiling water from the man, and dumped it on her again. Her screams and cries came to a brutal stop. The other man then dumped a third pot of boiling water over the silence of the pit.

Teal was stuck in a state of shock, witnessing the murder of this little girl. Teal had covered her eyes and cried into her palms. She was in fact doing the very same thing in real time as the result of the integration of this memory. It was really hard to watch her cry so hard. It was tempting to pull her out of the memory. But, knowing how this deep resolution work functions, I decided to let her continue with the memory.

Still unconcerned with Teal, the two men pulled the crate up and let it fall to the side. Teal saw a little Caucasian girl with brown hair, drenched and with red and white splotches all over her body because of the burning water. Doc pulled her out and to the side of the house into the daylight. He ordered the man to get him some twine. The man came back with some orange bailing twine, which Doc wrapped around her neck three times as if he was calf roping the girl. He held it tight with enough force to break her neck. He had strangled her to be sure she was dead. Then he covered her in a brown sheet, carried her to the back of his veterinary trailer and shut the door. He said something to the man at a distance. The man seemed ashamed and conflicted but relieved. Doc then grabbed Teal by her arm and led her forcefully to the truck. They drove together to the mortuary where his cult friend was working. Doc took Teal and the corpse of the little girl into the bottom floor of the mortuary where the embalming took place. Teal was numb with shock when she entered and they walked in on the mortician cleaning the corpse of the old lady with Dial soap. When the mortician heard the whole story from Doc, he shook his head in disgrace knowing that he would have to cremate the body of the little girl to cover up the murder so nothing would be traced back to the cult group.

When they were done talking, the two men turned their attention back to Teal. They had decided to try to implant a scrambler program to try to cover up what Teal had experienced and seen that day. They put her into a basin filled with icy water and threatened that if she told anyone what happened, they would end up opening her up like the old lady on the metal table. Doc injected something with a needle into the back of her neck to sedate her.   They spun her in circles to make her so dizzy that her nervous system would shut down. They laid her on the floor and had her repeat to herself over and over again ”I remember nothing, everything is black”. They were creating a scrambler program. Doc stuck her arm with another needle and within a matter of seconds, Teal felt herself dissolve into peaceful darkness. When she opened her eyes again, she felt still very dizzy and sick. Doc had driven her back home to the end of her driveway. He told her that she had passed out at the dairy farm and he brought her home because she was probably sick. When he brought Teal back to her parents, he told them that he thought she was coming down with the flu. Her mom responded “You look pale, Sis!” and told her to go get into bed. Her mom brought her some Canada Dry Ginger Ale to help her feel better. In reality, Teal was in shock and coming out of forced drug sedation.

As Teal was re-experiencing the memory, I followed the Completion Process steps and supported her throughout the horror. I asked her gently to bring her adult perspective to the scene in order to re-create the past. She imagined that the adult self had called the police and fifteen police cars had stormed to the house, saving the little girl from a tragic death. The two men were arrested. For the first time in her life, Teal said she felt reassured to see the police. She imagined her parents being called by the police and being brought to the scene and being told about what had really been going on between Doc and her for the past 5 years. Competent therapists came to take care of Teal, the little girl and her parents. She imagined her parents moving away to a monastery with Teal and her brother to heal. She then imagined that I brought her into her safe haven. We put the transformed memory into a balloon and she popped it with a needle. Using visual techniques, we purified the eleven-year old Teal in the river there. She felt like cutting her hair so that none of this experience would be left in her body. So we brought a wise shaman woman and she created a ritual to complete her purification. Her head was shaved and they let her hair flow downriver. Her traumatized child self refused to merge back with the adult perspective but instead wanted to be held lovingly and to fall asleep that way, surrounded in downy white blankets. Teal then came back to her conscious perspective.

I can see clearly now how the panic of her son missing the previous night and the corn on the cob we bought and boiled to eat the night before had created the perfect trigger storm for Teal. This is what life is like for people who are forced to live life with Complex PTSD.

When we were talking today together in a salt bath that I put her in to diffuse some of the emotional residue, Teal expressed that from her perspective, this little girl was “lucky” to die and not to survive this trauma like she had to. I understood this perspective. I was reminded of a movie that I watched recently. The movie is called “Room”. What makes this movie unique is that it shows the aftermath of trauma. It shows how trauma leaves the victim isolated in their own torment, unable to connect with an external world that cannot see or understand them. I could see how a “reset” would feel much better than years worth of trying to heal what feels un-healable. I gently reminded her that though the last ten percent of healing seem to be the hardest, she has already done ninety percent of the healing. And I reminded her that millions of people are looking to her for the courage to believe that the worst ordeals may be healed and transformed into something beautiful.

While she still feels very vulnerable after coming out of the integration process of this triggered memory, her dizziness is gone and we were able to celebrate Mark’s birthday with the rest of the community in the beautiful city park. Most people could not survive what Teal has survived, much less end up as functional as she is in spite of it all. But some part of me wishes that anyone who doubts her history would be forced to come live with her for a month to see firsthand what she has to grapple with every day in the aftermath of such unspeakable trauma. It is not for the faint of heart. I feel extremely fortunate to share in the life of this extraordinary woman and to share her journey of healing. Every day I am fortunate enough to witness a remarkable soul diving into the darkest aspects of human consciousness and finding her way back home. And leading everyone else back home in the process.

Coming Out…

It is Easter day March 27th, 2016. Mark, Teal’s son’s father and I are holding Winter’s hands as we walk.  Together we are swinging him forward with each step between us. He enjoys it.  He keeps asking us to do it over and over again. Teal is on my right, Blake, Gabija and Graciela are just behind as we begin a small hike behind the house in the Utah wilderness. Easter egg hunting is a tradition that Teal started with the intentional community years ago.  As I observe Winter’s joy and feel the mutual appreciation between Mark and I, I get a pinching sensation in my heart. My children seem so far away. I miss them and wonder why we are prevented to share the love we have for each other. I am starting to wonder what it would take for my ex wife, our children, Teal and I to do a hike together and enjoy each other’s company like this. Considering the present situation, landing on Mars seems like an easier endeavor. I am however a man of faith and it would not be the first time in my life that I have beaten the odds.

My parents divorced when I was 10. My mother left us to be with the man of her life whom she is still married to today.  I was left with my dad who quickly remarried as well. My stepmom felt threatened that my father had children from a previous marriage.  She saw my sister and I as competition.  Already crushed that my mum had abandoned me (as I had made it mean that there was something wrong with me), I knew intuitively that I could not afford another abandonment. My sister and I were not very easy to connect with at the time because of the trauma of the divorce, but my stepmother’s own insecurities were triggered by our presence so she did everything she could to ensure that we would be sent back to our mum at the beginning of the next school year. At times, she would create painful situations for me and my sister, only to turn it around to prove our father that we were treating her badly and get us punished for it.

Once when I was 11, we were in the woods with our dad and he suggested that we should pick our new step mom wildflowers.  His idea was that this would help everyone to get along and warm up to each other.  When we brought them home and handed them to my new stepmother, she took them and with exasperation, put them straight in the trash.  I was in shock.  It felt like I opened myself up to her and tried to please my father, only to have my heart ripped out for it.  I felt like those flowers were me.  I was to be disposed of.  That is how it continued to feel for the rest of my life.

My step mom also made my mum the enemy.  She quickly became pregnant to take full ownership of my father and took us out of the picture of their life. My father gave up on us without really ever disappearing.  As we now lived in a different part of France with our mom again, he would visit only twice a year. He would be shunned by my stepmother for weeks before and after each visit. We felt the heaviness of his heart during his visits and as a result, his visits often made us feel worse instead of better.

I realized later in life that when my father sent us back to my mother, I experienced even more trauma on top of my mother leaving in the beginning. It was a double abandonment.  I had failed to keep my father after I had lost my mother. And I had failed because I could not make his new wife happy. Deep in my subconscious mind, I had to prove I could get my daddy back by making my stepmom happy.

When I was 26, I met my ex wife and I quickly fell in love. Little did I realize at that time that I was in fact marrying my stepmom.  It was a love reincarnation created to try to heal my childhood relationship to my step mom.  They were both Aries, organized, responsible, emotionally unavailable, judgmental, black-and-white thinkers, private, hard working, Tiger Moms and inflexible with borderline, narcissistic traits and social anxiety. I was a match to her as I was co-dependent with the desperate craving to be needed and to belong.  I was struggling with self-worth and abandonment issues.

From the outside, we seemed to have a good life. We were both successful Silicon Valley professionals with great kids. We had a nice house, we took fun and exotic vacations and our lives were rich with activities. Our relationship however was rocky from the very start. We had some good times and we had a number of crises over the years as many couples with only moderate compatibility and a codependent/narcissist pattern do. I always did what I had to do to keep the marriage together as I had promised myself that my children should never experience the trauma of divorce that I experienced as a child.  To me, the idea of them suffering like I did because of divorce, was non negotiable.  I told myself, I had to at least make it work with my ex wife until they went off to college.

Over the last two years of our marriage, I became more and more aware of my longing for a spiritual, introspective woman with whom I could fully experience intimacy.  I have been a very spiritual person since my first awakening at age 19.  My ex wife detested spirituality.  She thinks it is only for hippies with no sense of reality. I also started to loosen up to the idea of my own personal happiness and that it may be even better for the children to have separated happy parents rather than miserable married ones. Exactly 15 years after our initial meeting, my ex and I mutually agreed to separate.

After we agreed to separate, for the folowing two days, I was surprised to see that I was overjoyed about this decision.  I felt a brand new life full of promise. It was quickly followed by a small period of depression as I was taken by the fear of the future. I moved into a small apartment right next to my ex in-laws.  I let myself go through all the emotions of grief and within one month, I felt healed and ready to move on with my new life.  I felt resolved, as I had fully realized the potential of that relationship.  I had no resentment; I had moved on and wanted to do the best for the children during that transition. I had prepared a script and my ex and I did a good job announcing the separation to the children. The four of us cried together on the coach and we made them feel that the separation had nothing to do with them and that we loved them very much. During that time, I took my mother in law and my ex grandmother to a wedding out-of-state. We kept a family vacation that was already booked together to New-York, Philadelphia and Washington DC and I celebrated my ex’s birthday with the children there.  There was some tension especially as we started discussing the financial aspects of the divorce but it was manageable. I could spend time with children when I wanted to and communication was relatively functional.

However, all of this changed when I told my ex during a therapy session six months after our separation that I was starting to date Teal.  At that point, all hell broke loose and very traumatic events started to unfold. It was as if the new relationship triggered her to wage war.  We have been lost in that war for 9 months. It has been the biggest source of stress for Teal and I, but it has been the greatest source of our expansion too and I thought I would share with you the biggest lessons I have learned throughout it.  I am going to spare many of the individual incidents of abuse that have occurred towards Teal and myself since this war was declared, rather I will provide an overview of what has occurred.

Man’s law is not fair; the law of attraction is fair

I managed to negotiate a court order with a detailed custody agreement that allowed me to see the kids one week a month in California and for the kids to vacation with us at our Park City home. This agreement was violated from the start by my ex.  I would make a reservation in a farm in Santa Cruz or plan a ski trip to make it fun for them and she would tell me at the last minute that kids were not ready to spend time with me.  After repeated offenses, I filed for contempt of the court to enforce my custody rights.  Her response was to file a Child Protective Services report against me while I had not seen the children for a month. At the court hearing, she brought forth some slanderous content about Teal that she had found on the Internet and managed to convince the emergency screener that Teal is a dangerous cult leader and should not have any contact with the children. The children were also well rehearsed.  They have never met Teal, but expressed their terror to be around Teal.  This activated fear in the emergency screener who could not see the actual dynamic that was going on.  As such, the court made a ruling based on the flawed idea that Teal’s social media following equated to a cult leader’s following.  And further, that my children were to have no contact with Teal or anything associated with her.  Also, the temporary order stated that I had to return the children anytime they would request to be with their mother.  What this means when children are alienated from their father and completely under the control of their mother for the sake of their own survival, is losing all custody of the children. This was devastating, however looking back at it with some detachment, this event was co-created as a reflection of my fear of being blamed for things I did not do, and the ostracism Teal experienced in her family and rural community in early childhood.

Kids usually side with the emotionally abusive parent

It is a counter intuitive fact however it makes sense in many ways. Kids are focused on self-preservation and they do not want to be on the side of the emotionally abusive parent’s wrath especially as they witness the other parent’s demolition. They also understand that there will be little consequence for rejecting the non-abusive parent so the choice is easily made. There is a particularly destructive behavior called emotional parentification for children involved in parental alienation cases. The custodial parent implicitly or explicitly dumps their emotional needs on the child. The child becomes the parent’s confidante, champion/hero and surrogate for an adult partner. This is extremely unhealthy as it robs children of their childhood and leads to difficulty in having normal adult relationships later in life. In my situation, my son took the role of the man of the family (replacing me) and my daughter as the protector of her mother, both taking a weight far too heavy for their small shoulders.

Children are treated simultaneously both as irresponsible minors and responsible adults in case of parental alienation

My children were 9 and 11 when we finalized the custody rights. They were not consulted in the process, as the court would typically only consider the minor’s opinion after they are 14 years old.  As it is usually done, my ex and I signed the initial custody agreement without consulting them. Therapists on the other hand spent more time trying to understand the wishes and desires of the children. However, they often overlook the influence exerted by the parents. In our last court hearing, despite their young age, the wishes of the children were taken very seriously without the court realizing that they were in fact well rehearsed before appearing in court. At the beginning, I fought hard to spend time with my children and took the way that they would abuse me during visits with the understanding that these emotions were not theirs but only a transfer of my ex’s anger and grief. However, I began to realize that whether or not my ex influenced their emotions, they still experience those emotions as theirs and as such, I need to respect them. If they do not want to spend time with me, there is no point in forcing them as it would both traumatize them and just feed my ex’s game in alienating me further. For effective reconnection, you must either acquire the support from your ex or wait until your children have a genuine desire to reconnect with you. As sad and powerless as it may seem, this is the reality that needs to be accepted.

Custody battles are corrosive for your relationship

I am very lucky to share my life with a very conscious woman and despite this fact, this situation has been the biggest source of tension between myself and Teal. Fortunately, all the tension in our relationship has come from external events as we treasure every minute we spend together. No woman wants to see her life continuously polluted by your ex’s latest flare and it is also difficult to accept that there is a bond with another woman that because of children can never be undone. But when the ex directly attacks the new partner, joins her hate group and disparages her in court by getting a temporary order stating that she is a dangerous cult leader, this struggle takes on a whole different magnitude. When the children of the man you love have been programmed to hate you and make you the scapegoat of their distress, it is no longer a normal joined-family situation. Compound it now with Teal’s posttraumatic stress, history of abuse, separation anxiety, ostracism trauma and extraordinary sensitivity and you can better understand why this situation has become hellish for Teal. I pray to the universe everyday that she is able to sustain this pressure and still loves me and wants to share our lives together despite all this torment. At this point, my ex is nothing short of obsessed with making my life miserable. So it is critical to put buffers between myself and her, ensuring that therapists are involved in our communications to avoid escalation and the abuse that are so common in codependent relationships like ours.

Should children always be the priority?

In high conflict divorces, therapists and court personnel are trained to put the interest of the children first, far before the parents’ personal desires and wishes. While this makes sense at first glance because children are defenseless, and the conflict is so damaging to children, it is not a completely wise idea.  It requires all adults to self sacrifice for the sake of their children and this leads to intense levels of resentment. On my side, I have had multiple therapists discourage me from introducing the children to Teal, telling me that I should take vacations alone with them and make no mention of Teal to them, that Teal is an adult and she should understand because kids should come first.

Teal is a very conscious woman and she has been incredibly supportive during this ordeal but it would not be self-loving to her to have a partner that is living a double life and making her a lesser priority. Because of her complex PTSD, Teal also suffers separation anxiety and my trips to California for business and to visit kids already brings her a lot of torment. I own a company and because of that, I work too much already.  Taking separate vacation time away from her with the children would put even more stress on the relationship that is my lifesaver today. Without her love and support, I am not sure I would be able to face all the current challenges in my life. The truth is that the children will not be ready to meet with Teal until my ex makes it OK for them to do so, or until they grow-up and develop more independence from my ex. By following the experts’ advice, I would quite literally stay at the mercy of my borderline narcissist ex, stay single and miserable to comfort her belief that I am doomed without her, and that I have destroyed her life by separating from her, regardless of whether the divorce was mutually agreed upon.

Unfortunately, my ex is using our children as cords to keep control over me and they are being damaged in the process.  As a result, there is a big temptation to just give up in order to protect the children from conflict.  Custody battles like the one that I am in, are like Solomon’s dilemma.

The story goes that 2 women in a village were fighting over a baby and both claimed that the baby was theirs.  So Solomon said, “I have a solution, I will simply cut the baby in half and you can each have a half.”  At that moment, one woman said yes, the other woman said no… the other woman can have the baby.  That is how he knew who the real mother was.  The parent, who is so identified with the child that she cannot put their best interest above her own, puts the other parent in the position to keep fighting and thus rip the children in half or let them have the kids so that the kids can stay intact.  This is the position I am in today.

It is tempting with what is going on to simply retreat away from the toxicity of my ex and focus on my new intimate relationship.  But then I am aware of the abandonment trauma it could create for the children. It is a loose loose situation. In the case of severe parental alienation, when it is impossible to get support from the custodial parent, I have learned it is best to be patient, stay present in the children by sending periodically messages of love and gifts with no expectation of reciprocation until they are ready to initiate contact on their own. Unfortunately, the reconnection can take many years if it ever happens.

Be true to your values

I have come to understand that no matter what I do today, I will be rejected by my children as they have accumulated a lot of grief through our high-conflict divorce as the unresolved emotions of my ex are being actively transferred to them. It is simply not realistic to expect a different outcome. From that perspective, it makes no sense to portray an attitude that would make you look good to external observers instead of acting out of personal integrity. Today, my life is with the woman I love and I see no reason to hide it or pretend that she does not exist.  My children need to understand that it is conditional love to demand to connect with me only if Teal is not in the picture.  Both Teal and I understand that we must be very careful how we introduce her into the children’s lives.  We planned not to do an introduction for six months.  When that time lapsed and it was time to introduce her, my ex did everything she could to prevent it.  Now, after 9 months my ex managed to get the court to make it impossible to introduce them.  Now, the therapists have been trying to avoid the topic on the false assumption that if I am able to reconnect effectively with the children, it would be easier then to introduce Teal to the family dynamics. What they fail to understand is that what the kids and my ex say and do in front of them is entirely different than what they say and do when they aren’t being watched by the specialists.  The children have made it explicitly clear without the specialists watching that they will not be OK with the introduction to Teal because my ex has made Teal the reason for the divorce and the reason they lost their father and the reason for all their mother’s pain.  It is not that they refuse to connect with me full stop.  It is that for the sake of their mother, they refuse to connect with me if Teal is in the picture.  They will not be ready to see Teal or accept her, until my ex is ready for them to see Teal and accept her.  And the reality is that my ex is unlikely to ever be ready for Teal to be in the picture.

It is hard for me to have hope in this respect as the divorce situation I was in as a kid was nowhere near as dramatic as the one my kids are in today.  My mother never prevented my step mom from seeing us or badmouthed her behind her back.  My mother posed no actual threat to my stepmother.  She was included in every family gathering and she was never prevented from joining my father on any of his visits to see us.  Still, it took twenty-five years for my stepmom to even agree to meet my mum, which ironically happened as a result of a huge fall out between my ex wife and my step mother.  It catalyzed a meeting between the two of them to share stories over their pain at having been alienated from my children’s lives by my ex wife.  My ex had decided years ago that she didn’t want my children to spend time around my French side of the family and as such, my children have not seen any of my family for years.

To be true, I just cannot put my life on hold for that long. I know so many people who would be ecstatic to include a stepmom like Teal, and rightly so as she is such a wise, fun and good hearted person. Unfortunately, she has been portrayed as an evil witch and my children are missing all the benefits of this connection in the meantime.

Internet research: the good, the bad and the ugly

As the court system and most of the therapists are behind the curve on knowledge about parental alienation, it has been a lifesaver to find content to help me make sense of my impossible situation. The Divorce Poison and Overcoming the Co-Parenting Trap have been good reads however the most valuable knowledge I have found has been produced by Dr Craig Childress as it fits my situation down to the smallest details. While knowledge does not immediately solve your ordeal, it makes it better to accept it, feel better about it and put together a plan towards resolution. Internet content includes some pitfalls too as it is always possible to find a perspective on the Internet to justify your own anger, vindictive impulses and your self-righteousness justification for fighting a good war.  As a consequence, there is a danger in isolating oneself and getting deeper into a revengeful vibration that only creates more pain and torment.

I was also surprised to find a lot of support groups for alienated men. Our society is patriarchal, meaning that women have little to no power in it.  So I understand why it is important for women to have control over some aspect of life.  The area where they have some control is over children.  They are still seen as the primary figure in a child’s lives.  The problem is that the justice system is biased towards mothers and against fathers before you even set foot in the courtroom.  It is hard to enforce your rights as a father.   You are made out to be a monster if you fight your spouse for your children and you are made out to be a monster if you give up and abandon your children.

I struggle to find the words to describe how I am feeling about the situation I find myself in, a situation that is worse than anything I could have pictured for the worst case scenario.  So there is only one way to end this first blog; with a message.  A message to my children, a message to my ex wife and to you wonderful Tealers.

A Message To My Children

I think of you and miss you every day. When I think of the possibility for us to have the same connection that we enjoyed before the divorce, I have naïve tears in my eyes.  I am repressing them so as to not keep my hopes too high. Not matter what you are and what you do, I will always be there for both of you. I see and feel your pain, and I am sorry for it. I have made mistakes along the way but I can promise you that I have never given up on you and every day you are at the center of my focus to bring resolution to my conflict with your mum so that we can be all happy again together within this new separated family structure. You have all the reasons in the world to feel the way you feel and I want to work things out with you. I crave to be close to both of you again, laugh and enjoy life. When you are ready, I would like you to give a chance to Teal. She is a wonderful woman, you would enjoy talking to her and you could learn so much from her. You, my daughter could relate together through your common passion about horses, fashion and arts & crafts. You, my son would enjoy skiing with her and sharing your mutual excitement for dance.  I love you now and forever.

A Message To My Ex

I know a lot has been done, said and it is hard to forgive. We have been told time and times again that our conflict is what is damaging our children. By healing our relationship, we are healing our children. By giving up on winning against each other, our children win.  I have my flaws and you have your flaws. We can continue to manipulate our world to make ourselves look like the good guy and the other the bad guy but for which purpose? People either do not care or they can see through us and when we do, they feel ashamed of both of us and sad for our children. Whether we want it or not, we will continue to be family for the rest of our lives because we have children together.  We were lovers, we were best friends, we were partners, we were husband & wife. We spent a big part of our life together and that time has been immortalized through our children. We do not need to hate each other. When you are ready, I would like to earn your trust and respect and become friends again at some point in the future. Life is too short to fight. Please allow me to see the children for 30% of the time as we agreed in the divorce settlement, to permit the introduction with their future stepmother so that we can all spend quality time together in our Park City home. This is all I am asking. You will get more free time for yourself, you will save money, and kids will enrich their lives with a second family. We have everything to win by taking a path of reconciliation and everything to lose by keeping up the war.

A Message to the Tealers

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your love and support. As Teal’s partner, I feel so privileged to be a recipient of your love too. Your gentle words, your unconditional support, your caring responses have meant a lot to me and have brought me courage during these trying times. Complete strangers have shown me often more affection and appreciation than family and old friends. I embrace you as my soul family. To finish this blog, I would like to ask you a last favor. Please go inside your heart, visualize an Easter egg hunt with Teal, Myself, Winter, the members of our intentional community and also my children and my ex wife.  Picture all of us having fun together, sharing jokes, connecting and see the kids running into the Utah wilderness to be the first to find the hidden treasures there. Your prayers and your heart’s intention can change the world. Please make this miracle possible, the miracle of Love that we were meant to create… together.

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