A Conversation With “Grandmother”

I went back to “grandmother” last week. I am not talking about my actual grandmother (who just turned 101 years old this week), but the plant medicine administered by the shamans more commonly called Ayahuasca. Some centers in Costa Rica can actually administer it in a completely legal way. It always amazes me that some of the most toxic and addictive pharmaceutical drugs are administered completely legally in the US, while the most healing and non-addictive drugs (such as Ayahuasca) are banned. Though it was beneficial in so many ways, my last Ayahuasca journey 3 months ago had been hell.  Even so, I knew I had to come back. When I went last time, I was stuck and desperate. This time however, I felt pretty good.  I had a clear sense of direction. But just like we should not wait for a health collapse to start exercising or eating healthy, it is also wise to visit “grandmother” before we hit rock bottom.

This time, I did not have any particular intention besides coming closer to living my life with an open heart in a state of spontaneity. This has been a conscious goal of mine for at least 20 years.  I felt anxious but in a state of acceptance before the ceremony. As we grow wiser, the fear does not disappear. Instead, we learn to speak with it so that it does not freeze us into inaction. Every meeting with “grandmother” is a form of ego death and an opening into the unknown. We are afraid of this uncertainty. There were just 3 of us for this ceremony; one community member and a local Yoga teacher.  We were brought to a beautiful location with a river and abundant fruit trees. We had a couple of hours to chill out before darkness. After exploring the property, I used this opportunity to take a nap.

After I woke up, I chatted with the shaman who shared his own journey with me about finding God. He explained that he does not see himself as a separate individual who has to control his life to make things happen anymore. He sees himself as one of the many arms of the divine. And in this new perspective and identity, synchronicity is abundant. A more universal and larger “he” is working towards the fulfillment of his mission. As we were talking after dark, I noticed the beautiful fireflies (lightning bugs) that were flying around us. The shaman asked if I wanted to see one closer. He made a few steps, took one in his hands and showed it to me. The firefly was completely at peace and seemed to enjoy itself despite the fact that I was looking at it very closely. There was instinctive trust between it and the shaman and with me vicariously. After I spent 2 minutes contemplating the two light dots on its back, the firefly flew away into the dark.

It was now time. The shaman called me to take in the drink. The taste of Ayahuasca is quite awful. Despite this, I declined his offer of taking honey to sweeten the bitter potion. It never takes me very much to start on my shamanic journey. Perhaps the fact that I always choose to fast for at least 2 days before the medicine could be a reason for this sensitivity. Within 5 minutes, my heartbeat had accelerated and my body felt the need to dance, sing and move. The shaman gave me maracas to beat with the music. It felt good to be able to express the energy this way because I know that when the energy gets stuck, confusion and purging are sure to follow. I felt the need to be active with my body for about 30 minutes until “grandmother” called me back to my inner world.  I was entering the psychedelic part of the journey.

This was only my third time doing Ayahuasca. I had done it for the first time 5 years ago. During this first journey, I was first called to a high definition, high-tech fractal space. The sharp and very colorful beings that appeared were frightening.  I felt I could not trust them. They initially appeared as predators to me. It was so scary that I became afraid of death and of leaving my body.

During my second journey, I saw them again. I was not as afraid.  However, I still chose to ignore them. In this journey, we were able to establish a more trusting connection.  I started to accept that they might be benevolent beings from a higher dimension. They felt like doctors from the future. They took me into what seemed like a spaceship for treatment and were quite busy. Their physical appearance seemed high tech, and like very colorful, robotic flamingos. As I warmed up to them, I even entertained the fact that I could be one of them on a visit to Earth. They recommended to me to keep coming every 3 months for a check-up because it is critical that I keep working on my heart connection.  They told me to do this because I will inevitably gather heart blocks and hindrances during the normal course of my life at this stage of my evolution on Earth. My heart is the receptor that makes it possible to listen to the truth from higher dimensions and to live in harmony with the laws of this universe. During this journey, I identified this truth my heart is trying to receive from a higher dimension as Christ Consciousness. They went on explaining to me that the Lord left his Kingdom to our care, and only by staying connected to our heart, can we administer his territory (Earth) according his Loving and Conscious Will.

I was then brought into the current state of the world. I was sent into the immense, heartless gears of a machine in a production factory. It felt like animal farming but for humans. It was all about production, power, control and profit with no consideration for human feelings and happiness. Facing the actual reality of the matrix and the new world order was incredibly brutal for my conscience under Ayahuasca.

As Teal’s husband, I became interested in better understanding SRA (Satanic Ritual Abuse) and the abominable treatments she went through in her childhood in order to become a more informed and supportive husband. Before I knew her, I was aware of corruption and conspiracy, like most of us.  But I felt powerless to do anything about it. The information on the Internet seemed sensational, contradictory in nature and not very scientific. I felt I could not verify the veracity of one perspective against the other.  So I let go and just went about my own business dealing with things I could actually have control over.  A turn around in my thinking happened when I read Breaking the Chain from Svali, a former Illuminati trainer. It was similar in many ways to what I heard from Teal’s direct cult experience. Two other books from former presidential models Cathy O’Brien and Brice Taylor Trance:Formation of America and Thanks For The Memories confirmed the corruption and moral depravity of our world leaders.  It also confirmed that the situation is much worse that I had initially envisioned.

Most of what we are taught or hold true is sadly just lies and manipulation. History is teaching us that we defeated the Nazis. They have actually won as their most lethal weapon, Mind Control, has infiltrated all parts of society that have a concentration of money and power such as politics, religion, large corporations, media networks, music & sports industry all over the world. Actually, the top Nazi experts in mind control (such as Josef Mengele) were placed in top US universities in complete secrecy to continue their research. The new world order is already in place.  The elites realized it was much easier to control the masses when the masses are ignorant to what exactly is going on. The creation of human slaves through trauma based mind control and dissociation is the covert tool for the elite to lead society in any way they chose to. I am convinced that Presidential elections are decided in advance or when they are not, they make sure to control both candidates that are presented to the people. This was the case in the USA with Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump.  And it was the case again in France with Marine Le Pen and Emmanuel Macron.

National elections are nothing but a puppet show designed to distract the masses from what is really going on. The actual world leaders are not the ones that are fed to us by the media. These leaders are just corrupt puppets that have already ‘sold their soul to the devil’ through criminal activities, sex deviance and various addictions. The world as we know it is actually governed by black lodges that act in complete secrecy to feed demonic or low astral entities that have cut themselves off from Source. As a result, their only way to sustain themselves is through manipulation and stealing energy from beings who are still connected with their heart and with the divinity.  Such as people like us.

“Grandmother” showed me more clearly the covert ways that we all get corrupted. I am going to give you some examples. Being vegan is quite inconvenient in our society, so we develop the taste and the craving for unethical food that requires the systematic murder of our animal friends. These foods are heavily advertised through the mainstream media. By buying and eating this food, we become the partner in crime of the elite so now we have to defend them to cover our own shame.

Let’s look at another form of insidious corruption. We work hard to develop skills and abilities to get us ahead and create a better world together. During our progression, we reach a spot where we get closer to a leader that we used to admire. As we get to know him personally, we realize his level of moral depravity and we feel disillusioned and helpless. We then exchange our sincere desire to do good for the world and our longing for a merciful God for the vanity of belonging with the “big boys”. There is no turning back as our thirst for power and security make us commit actions that if revealed would make us lose everything. As we get corrupted, we become easily controlled and manipulated. This is one of the reasons why the leading politicians are such sex addicts. They had to corrupt themselves to such an extent to get to the top that sexual deviance is used to sedate them because their conscience that is tormenting them. At least this is true for the ones that are not completely disconnected and dead inside.

Many facets of society are conducive to traumas that promote disconnection and selfishness so that we, the masses, are more easily manipulated. There is only one escape from this somber reality. It is the connection to our own heart.  Purity, personal integrity and self-discipline, the antithesis of corruption, is what keeps this heart link alive. At that phase of my shamanic journey, I saw the voice of the Lord (Christ Consciousness) on the other end of my heart. This is the inner guidance and connection we desperately need in order to not give in the manipulation and venality of our leadership. In their gloomy reality, everything is transactional. People’s value is judged according to a hierarchy and people hold no value in themselves. It is a predatory environment based on exploitation rather than taking care of each other. It is a world full of backstabbing, lies, manipulation, betrayal, selfishness and apathy. To realize the split in oneself between the two realities of our heart and disconnected mind is the first step towards healing, and loosening the grip with our own demons.

How we spend our time, what we buy and who we connect with will strengthen or weaken the parts of this polarity within us. Become a vegetarian, avoid watching TV and mainstream media, develop authentic heart-based relationships, maintain a healthy balance in your life between work, family & friends.  Be kind with all living beings.  Buy an electric car with solar panels on your roof.  Honor the word you gave.  Be congruent with your value system in all of your relationships. And build a trusting connection with the divine. These are some practical steps we can take to do our part in this confusing world in order to slowly develop an internal frame of reference when faced with the brutality of the truth regarding the world elite.

During that night with “grandmother”, I was brought back many times to my wife. I felt so much love towards her that the words are lacking to express this ecstatic feeling. I was shown that as a species, I saw how our need to attach is so critically important. Our society, and even the spiritual field, is so much about developing independence. But it is unnatural. This is why understanding attachment theory is such an important key in one’s personal healing and in explaining most personality disorders. Attaching to someone we love is so critical and healthy to our personal development. This is another reason why I am excited to facilitate our next singles retreat in July, and to catalyze people towards finding new love. Relationships are hard but there is nothing else in life that can bring the same level of joy and fulfillment.  At a deeper level I could see my absolute terror of aloneness and accept it as something healthy. We have been shamed for wanting intimate connection as it makes us look needy, weak and dependent.  But this is our birthright. It is also natural to be frightened to attach as it is so painful to lose the connection once the relationship breaks. This is why I want to educate people to recognize a match when they find one and then to empower them with tools to help grow the relationship and avoid rupture. There is something truly sacred when two people commit to each other. Only a life with love is worth living. I was shown how when a woman marries a man, she gives herself to him and to that extent, he becomes her owner. However, this is ownership in the sense of nurturing and caretaking in the same way Teal & I feel responsible for the land we own at Philia with all the trees, plants, animals and insects. We will not kill even a snake or a scorpion on our property. We are not speaking here of ownership the way that the corrupt elite think of it.  Their understanding of ownership is nothing but exploitation. The millions of mind controlled slaves today in the world can attest to this fact.

During this new experience with Ayahuasca, I developed a new relationship with purging. Purging is used by Ayahuasca as a purification mechanism. Let’s agree to call a repressed and unhealthy attachment, belief, negative emotion or fear that is here to repress a sense of lack we have within ourselves, a ‘demon’. As we experience resistance to letting go of our inner demons, Ayahuasca will sometimes attach them to our own fluid to purge both at the same time. This process is painful but salutary. 3 months ago, I did so much purging that I was really not looking forward to it again. Fortunately, this time, purging was only required on two occasions. The first one was related to the culpability around my children. Interestingly enough, I thought I was exempt of culpability as I hold the conscious belief that I always do my best; so if it could have been better, it would have been. Actually, Ayahuasca made me realize that I was deeply repressing the culpability of losing my children. It was difficult to accept so “grandmother” had to get me to expel it physically. It felt such a relief once this energy was out of me.

The second purge was related to an action that I had taken that I knew was not in the best interests of a loved one even though it made financial sense. The mind had unfortunately won and I ended up full of remorse. I had to suffer the potential consequence of damaging a very important connection for a monetary gain and realized deeply that it was not worth it. I made the decision to come clean to the person, take full responsibility for my decision and openly communicate about the shadow that had taken a hold of me. I ended up doing this a couple of days later.  And the person, while dissatisfied, did not hold a grudge as he felt I was sincere with my regrets.

“Grandmother” challenged me throughout the night with some of my beliefs and actions. She would tell me “we can do this the easy way or the hard way”. This time, she only had to do it twice the hard way, which is something I am very thankful for. I developed a new understand regarding our relationships with demons. Demons are not able to have a hold on us unless we repress feelings or emotions. Denial is a necessary condition for demons. I got to better understand why Teal is so open with her emotions even though sometimes people in the spiritual world judge it as non spiritual. By being authentic about how she truly feels (even if it can be frown upon as a spiritual teacher), she makes herself less vulnerable to these demonic entities. I am also trying to be more open about my own struggles so that many will follow in those footsteps and together we can be more authentic and accelerate our path of healing and learning. The most deviant men today are often the ones that are looked at with the highest regards: Our presidents, heads of religious institutions or non-profit organizations, artists or sports idols. The books I mentioned above will make you realize this fact. They appear saintly for the media but participate in the worst perversions behind closed doors. Many people have become experts in projecting an appearance they give that has nothing to do with reality. As we come closer to seeing reality, the level of manipulation is such that we may feel lost and not believe in anything or anyone anymore. In fact, when an action is made that tries to solicit positive attention, it is already suspicious. Productive narcissism, as defined by Ross Rosenberg in the Human Magnet Syndrome, is still narcissism. It is enough for our intentions, thoughts and deeds to be known by the divinity. Ultimately, as we cross over to death, this is the only authority we will have to answer to anyway.

I am currently counseling a business executive in developing a truly connected and intimate relationship with his new partner. Despite his best intentions, he is unable to feel into her, see her and understand her, which activates many insecurities in her and leads to conflict. He sees her as emotionally unstable, as if she is acting out for no valid reason. He thought I would help him to fix her and so he became surprised when I confronted him that most of the work would be on his side.  We would have to get him to reconnect to his heart. When I talked to him, I felt true compassion.  I understand the struggle and suffering to go through to bring our inner child back to life. Unfortunately, in the business world, we are often rewarded for developing sociopathic behaviors.

10 years ago, I remember telling an older executive I hired for my company that I was proud that I had never fired anyone in my company. He made fun of me and told me that he was going to make me tougher. Two years later, I had to go through a downturn and had to fire almost half of the company. He congratulated me for my “progress” and “expediency”. As a business executive, we need to make many decisions that impact people’s lives and families. With the goal to succeed in a highly competitive environment, we do not give ourselves the time to feel and evaluate the consequence of our decisions on our employees’ emotional lives. As a consequence, we learn to feel less & less. After 20 or 30 years in a position with responsibility, we have developed such a capacity to disconnect that we become incapable of developing a truly intimate and connecting relationship. We start treating our significant other like an employee and we start optimizing the home life in the same way that we do our office life. The irony is that most of our professional success is driven by the desire to be loved, admired and respected by our loved ones. It often leads us to a place where we are wealthier but completely alone. I am spending a lot of my time now undoing what I thought was useful to my career. I want to tell the younger generation that it was not worth it. Money & power is never worth selling your soul to the devil and disconnecting with your inner child. Do not compromise your personal integrity for short-term financial gains. It is however easier said than done and the temptations are plenty.

“Grandmother” brought to me a new understanding about people suffering with borderline personality disorder (BPD). This disorder often comes hand in hand with people who went through very severe abuse or who have complex PTSD. These people do not have the means to cope with life. Borderline individuals are the psychological equivalent of third-degree burn patient. They simply have, so to speak, no emotional skin. For this reason, the slightest touch or movement can create immense suffering for the borderline. Yet, on the other hand, life is movement so they find themselves in permanent pain and crisis. I was shown that if everyone would lose their capacity to cope (just like the borderline), then the world would rapidly become a better place. By coping, the rest of us are actually enabling and feeding the dysfunctionality of this world. Every day, we keep accepting the unacceptable: killing our animal friends for food when it is absolutely unnecessary, keeping our corrupt leaders unaccountable for their crimes, exploiting and polluting our earth for profit, ignoring the abuse of minorities as long as we are not part of it. What would happen if we were to become physically incapable of participating in all of this wrongdoing? A similar analogy can be made of autistic children who from a spiritual perspective are refusing to engage in our 3D reality as a wake-up call for the rest of us.

During the night, “grandmother” kept revisiting all these various topics with me, going deeper every time. At dawn however I shed my first tears when I fully felt the pain of separation with my two children; my little ones that will always be my babies. They are the flesh of my flesh (“la chair de ma chair” in French). It is so hard to feel alienated by them.  I have not had contact with them for about a year now. I was then shown the suffering of cows that are separated from their calves at birth for the dairy industry. The cows are then made to produce milk in an industrial way while they are in distress wondering what happened to their babies. The male baby calves are actually brought to a horrible death by the meat industry. The agony of the mother crying for her babies goes into the milk and the cheese that you eat everyday. As I related to this suffering, I decided to let go of dairy products. It is not an easy thing to do for a French man as we are so attached to our cheese. I decided to use the natural cultural temptation of my body’s preferences and associate it with the future reconnection with my children. Every time I say no to dairy products, I connect with the suffering of these poor cows longing for their babies.  And by doing that, I connect with my own loss. This loss, though uncomfortable, is a way I can connect with my children today and send them my love on the inner planes. It does not matter how much it hurts.  I make the commitment that I would rather be connected and be in pain rather than disconnected. I do not want to contribute more to world misery.

I still hold so much grief for losing my children. I realize however that I will be their caretaker for the rest of my life whether they accept it or not in this dimension. They live in me just as I live in them regardless of the fact that they are denying this reality presently. This is why it feels so ridiculous that they are currently made to believe they have no father and are being assigned substitute fathers. Fortunately or unfortunately, the connection between biological parents and children can never be erased. I experienced compassion at that point for my own parents.  Even though my thoughts diverge from theirs, I promise to give an honest shot at loving them. I do not have to make what they have done OK to love them. I can love them even though I disapprove of many of their actions. The fact is they need peace and appreciation like every one of us. If our children keep evolving and raise their standards for parenting, they will probably find that many of our behaviors were abusive.

It is not always easy to love our parents especially if one of our parents keeps hurting us. However by being at war with them, we only are being at war with ourselves. It is a difficult balance to achieve and only within the deepest places of our heart can we know if it is best for us to maintain distance or develop a closer connection with them at a given time. Suddenly, I started breaking down as I relived the double abandonment from my mother and father when I was 11 years old. I was disappointed as I thought I had already worked through this trauma 5 years ago. Obviously, there was still much more to release and I sobbed uncontrollably. “Grandmother” then showed me that my subconscious mind used my own children to re-experience the pain of this double abandonment. My daughter was the first one to disconnect with me. This feels like my mother who left me behind to live a new life. Then 6 months later, my son decided to stop all communication with me. This is a remembrance of my father who gave up on me, as he felt overwhelmed by the pressure he was under.

I am called to apologize on this blog to my own children that I used them subconsciously to heal traumas from my own childhood. I want to tell them that the horrible experiences they had to go through are not their fault. This is not their pain. It is their mum and dad’s pains that were replayed subconsciously. It is unfair and cruel to them. This is why it is so important that we do everything we can to heal emotionally before we have children. I have failed in this instance as I could not prevent the ordeal and tragedy my children had to go through. After I am able to fully relive this trauma, I hope they will feel more invited to reconnect with me.  Hopefully, they will see that I come more from a place of wanting to add to their lives instead of repeating the hurt from my past. In the meantime, I want them to know that they have been teaching me unconditional love like no one before as I patiently wait for our reconnection. Papa thinks of you everyday and has never abandoned you.

And you “Grandmother”, I thank you for revealing to me so many insights that help me becoming a better and more connected man. Your wisdom is grounded in simplicity, truth and heart connection. Thank you for guiding my steps. I will finish this blog with some humor from our friend JP Sears:  “If Trump drank Ayahuasca”

The Human Doing

As we were driving to the trailhead, my step son (Teal’s son Winter) expressed how his heart was starting to feel distrust because people were coming in and out of his life.  Joining the community and getting close to him only to then leave the community.  He explained that he felt very connected to a community member that last year who had to leave us temporarily.  He explained that as a result he was now feeling resistant to get close again to new people and caretakers because he felt they would only leave and the pain of separation would be too great to handle.  It was the beginning a remarkable speech which illustrated the accuracy of the attachment theory but with the words of a 7 year old.

That day I had decided to organize some fun family time because I understood how important “together time” is for Winter, Teal and our community. Teal and I travel often and I have many activities and responsibilities that occupy my time.  I recognize I am not present enough to my stepson and members of the community.  Right when we were about to start our day trip, Winter started to act out and refused to come. A couple of years ago, if it had been my children, I will have raised my voice and coerced them to get into the car, discounting their feelings.  I would have done this because I used to feel I knew what was right for them better than they did. Fortunately, Teal took the time to engage in a dialog with him instead. She got him to a point where he could express his upset verbally.  And when he did, he expressed the pain he had about connection.

I used the opportunity to ask Winter about our own personal connection.  With his hands, he showed me the separation between him and I, which was significant. He said that I was around but not really there. His statement moved me deeply. He is right that I am not really present to him as a stepdad.  I have not made him a priority and often find myself delegating his caretaking to other members of the community. We talked and we decided together to spend some time at least once a week and just the two of us so that we can truly connect and feel closer to one another.

As we drove back in the evening, I told Teal that I felt a heavy heart and would love to do a process with her on it.  I had pain in my upper neck, which was an indication that I was repressing emotions. Teal helped me work through some triggers and did some body work on me.  At that point, she felt I was ready for an authentic talk. She confronted me that while we spent the day together, she felt I was not really engaged and present with everyone.  It was hard to hear it at first because I was the one who had organized the full day and it felt like all of us had a good time. I reviewed the day in my mind and could see her perspective. I had spent the day in my own mind. I did not make proactive efforts to engage with anyone. I found myself alone a couple of times during the activities.  I was either in front of or behind everyone else. I also asked to read my book in the car instead of going to the store to shop for clothes for Winter. I tried to do the right thing by organizing a fun family day but I had been physically present and not emotionally present to the family. As a result, my wife was rightly so starving of connection after a day dedicated to spending time together as a family!  I was acting as a human doing and not a human being.  In fact, while I was with them, I was making them feel like I did not want to be there and that I would rather work on my projects. At that point, I became conscious that I had the same pattern with my previous family.

With my kids and ex wife, I would go on hikes with them, but I would often lead the way by walking way in front of everyone.  I was not curious about my children’s inner world, feelings and endeavors.  I was content with a shallow connection even though it was our only time for true connection as it was our only day off during the busy Silicon Valley work week.  Shortly after my ex wife and I separated, I tried to make the time spent with my children special.  I would organize special trips, time with friends or activities during the time I had them.  However, they complained to me that what they really wanted was to connect to me instead of always being entertained.  When they said this, I felt unappreciated.  I felt I was really trying to make our time together special. Unbeknownst to me, I was making them feel that they were not enough by themselves for themselves and that I always had to have more to entertain me than just them in order to enjoy my time with them.  This was not my conscious intent. This was more my own projection.  Subconsciously I felt like I was not good enough that they would enjoy spending time with me without additional entertainment. People around me often feel that I would rather do something else than to just be and truly connect with them.

Despite my 25 years on the spiritual path, I felt disabled in my ability to connect. I was feeling powerless to create the very feelings in myself and others that are so important to me.  As I went deeper into my process with Teal’s support, I realized the trauma was coming from my dad. His mother would rarely visit him when he was a child. He subconsciously felt she would rather not be with him because she felt shame for the relationship that had brought him into the world. Their infrequent meeting was a painful reminder that there was something wrong and bad with him. My grandmother always lived in her own world too and always had difficulty connecting with family members at a deeper level while appearing to be a socialite to the outside world.

Essentially, we are dealing here with generational trauma. My grandmother’s mother died when she was 11. Her father quickly remarried. The new wife did not like her and her sister. They were kicked out of the house and had to start working at the post office in their early teens to sustain themselves. Then, 50 years later, my parents divorced when I was 10. My sister and I initially stayed with my father but because of my stepmother’s insecurity and my father’s codependency, I was sent back to be with my mother.   Sadly, I was powerless not to repeat the same family pattern. My son was 11 when my ex wife and I separated. While I did everything on my end to fight for an integrated family structure after the divorce, my children were taught to hate my new wife, Teal even though they never met her.  From their perspective, they felt abandoned by me because they were told that I chose another woman over them. Any family trauma that is not healed, repeats from generation to generation and often in a tragic way.

After my parents divorced, some of the greatest torment I experienced was that I spent with my father. During my time with him, I felt invisible.  The times we would spend together were rare and during those rare times, he was not emotionally present to me. It felt like he would rather do something else and be somewhere else. I felt non-existent, small and unworthy of love. He often had hurtful comments or clumsy gifts that made me feel worse about myself. From his perspective, he felt he was making efforts trying to be a good father while from my perspective, his actions proved the opposite.  To be honest, it is not very differently to what I am doing today with my loved ones.

As an adult, I can see that my father is not an abusive man. He is actually doing the best he knows how to do.  But because of his own upbringing, he has an incapacity to connect and make other people feel special because deep inside, he feels very unworthy. And now, I have to accept that he is a mirror of me. The only time I felt truly acknowledged by my father and his parents were when they expressed satisfaction about my excellent grades at school.  As a result, I felt like I could only be valued for my successes and external accomplishment, not for who I am. I learned that people did not have a real desire to connect to me. I always strived to be the best at school so that I would have a chance to be loved. I became a human doing.  And most of my adulthood relationships were conditional upon my successes and status as a result.

As I was processing, I was guided to visualize the type of father that I really wanted as a child. I imagined that this father would be fully present to me.  He would be a teacher full of wisdom about life and relationships. When we would interact, he would focus and empathically listen to me.  He would show concern and have the sincere desire to know me deep inside. He would be excited to spend time with me. I would always be on his mind. He would show small gestures of love making me feel important. He would act as a protector when necessary and always be available for me when I need it. He would encourage me, help me overcome my fears, have a sympathetic ear, and show both strength and vulnerability.

As I contemplated who my inner child really wanted as a father, I came to realize the brutal truth that in my present life, I often act more like my own father than being the man my own inner child has been starving for. With this painful awareness, I feel a sincere desire to change. I understand that to truly heal my life and my relationships, it is time to give my inner child what I always wanted and give it to the closest people of my life.

For you Winter, I want you to feel that I enjoy spending time and connecting with you.  I want you to feel that you are important to me, that I will be careful with your heart and not pull away.  I want you to feel that I am interested to understand and see the unique being that you are.

For you Teal, I want you to feel that I would rather be with you than doing anything else in the world; that you are my top priority. I want to make you feel safe, cared for, cherished and adored. I want you to feel that I am an expert on you and that I always care about your best interest. I want to be your anchor, strength and stability especially during the storms of life. I want to share the same qualities to our community.  As I heal, I sincerely hope that my own children will feel the call of my heart and will consider reconnecting with me as they feel I could improve their lives and support them authentically instead of being a liability.

I remember that in the past I have tried to bring these higher masculine qualities. However I am now realizing that I attempted to do so while repressing my inner child. Now, I am committed to cultivating these qualities within me while also staying present to my inner child. My divine masculine not only needs to take care of my loved ones but also needs to take care of my hurt little boy.  He is being reflected externally. This is why relationships are such an accelerated track for expansion.

In my life, I have been a human doing more than a human being and it is not a surprise I spent 20 years in the Silicon Valley where a regular work week is 70 hours, but most of us work much more. As a human doing, how we feel about ourselves is only connected to our accomplishments. We received compliments as children only when we achieved something special externally. This style of parenting is very common and well regarded in society. While it is better than emotional neglect, most people do not realize the amount of damage done by this parenting style.

To be worthy of love, children learn to behave a certain way and accomplish certain results otherwise love is removed. They learn they do not have an intrinsic value. Unfortunately, the satisfaction derived by accomplishments is always short lived. When I was 20, I entered one of the top engineering schools in France.   After succeeding at the national competitive exams, my joy only lasted a couple of weeks.  It quickly turned into depression for one reason.  Having achieved my goal, I lost the escape mechanism I was using to avoid my own inner void and childhood trauma.

Teal told me yesterday that at the end of the day, all that will matter is who is next to you when you are on your deathbed.  She said that connection will mean much more to me than any of my accomplishments in terms of personal happiness. She is so right. As we grow older, our joy comes more and more from simple pleasures.  The pleasure of connecting and relating is more meaningful than our past achievements. As a human doing, we develop an addiction to crossing as many items as we can off our list in order to feel fulfilled.  We are more concerned with this than with how we have impacted each other’s lives for the better. As a human doing, failure to perform means worthlessness and that we are undeserving of love.

I can see how this pattern has affected most of my relationships. Every time I have fallen in love, the first couple of months are heavenly. There is no time.  There is just the pleasure to connect with one another. A whole day feels like a couple of minutes. Then the intensity of the infatuation subsides and a covert subconscious belief comes in to replace it. It tells me that unless I am able to have achievements, she will leave me because I am not good enough on my own. So I pull away to focus on my activities in order keep the love I cannot afford to lose. By pulling away, I make her insecure and she starts pulling away to protect herself emotionally.  She feels abandoned and not good enough for who she is. She feels unloved and unworthy. Inevitably, she detaches and makes me feel the way I make her feel.  The relationship becomes rocky.  And my very worst fear of losing love eventually becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. I become alone in my accomplishments and do not understand why love is going away because I am working so hard and I am doing so much for my wife and the family. This is the tragedy of the human doing.

Instead, we need to focus on our children’s feelings, values and efforts. We need to teach them how to treat other people.  We also need to show them that we truly care for who they are and do not only have concerns about their results. Let’s leave that for the corporate world 😉

Transactional relationships may be OK for the business world however they are toxic for family relationships and I can see now that we need to instill unconditional love with our children to create the new earth. We will then raise children with less fear of failure that are free to experiment and discover their unique gifts because their self-esteem will not be in danger when they do not perform according expectation.

We may fear that this attitude may make them underachievers however by doing so, we focus on the very underlying conditions of success and we make them connect to their individual talent which is derived directly from their inner self. Movement, spontaneity and creativity are natural in children, not apathy.  Inactivity and aloofness are the mark of trauma, not of a healthy emotional upbringing.

Our children can achieve success in two different ways. One will be a direct expression of their being, happiness and creativity, and will often translate in fulfilling and meaningful careers. The other will achieve success at the price of intense inner struggles, coping mechanisms and misery along the way.  This is often followed by a crash when later in life, they realize that they hate their job and their lives. They will often fool people on the outside.  Everyone will see them as successful.  But on the inside, they feel empty.   These two categories of success can be observed in all walks of life, especially with top athletes.  I am an example of a person who achieved the second type of success.

The human doing is the personality that has repressed the human being or the inner child, which is the seat of the soul with all its creative, expressive and intuitive abilities. Our human doing has done enough damage repressing our inner child. It is time to have our human doing serve our human being for a truly meaningful and satisfying life.

Do you want to be a human doing or a human being? What do you want your children to become?

Earth, the shame planet

This morning when I woke up, I felt some intense and dark heavy energy. For the last 6 years, meditation has been my refuge when I was faced with challenging emotions. For this reason, I put on my favorite meditation music, sat and started to listen to my internal world. I have verified what Teal teaches, which is that strong emotional triggers can be used as a rope to get deep within yourself and to get unique insights about the healing that needs to be brought forth. Often the strong energy of the trigger will bring on an altered state of consciousness. In this altered state of consciousness, you can see yourself from a higher perspective.

The first energy I felt was connected to the loss of my two children that I have not been able to talk with for almost a year now. A wave of shame ensued. How bad do you have to be if your own children aged 11 and 13 refuse to have any contact with you? At a conscious level, I can understand the psychological dynamics at play. I intellectually understand that because of the many complex aspects involved in this situation I should not be so hard on myself. However I find that my inner child is unable to separate from the deep shame created by this separation.

In my coaching role over the years, I have worked with many people that have daddy issues. Some of them had the most horrible fathers but the children were still trying to have a relationship with their father. They were doing this despite an obvious lack of reciprocity. I am not saying I was the perfect father as I can see that I have made many mistakes along the way as a father. I did what I could with what I knew at the time. Losing all contact with both of my children (like I never existed for them in the first place) feels utterly unfair and cruel. It feels so painful.

At this time during my meditation, I remembered my talk with my friend Avtar in Atenas, Costa Rica. He was telling me that I was making the pain worse by creating a story about the situation that would make me feel worse and solicit other people’s support. I challenged him. I told him that there is a part of us that requires validation, care and concern when we are confronting pain and suffering. Dismissing and discounting the part of us that is suffering is even more damaging. I shared my personal experience with him that I had become an expert at coping. Earlier in my life, I developed the ability to perform & function no matter what the circumstance. I had created a spiritual personality that could always see the silver lining in everything and even convince myself that situations that are traumatic are “all perfect”. While this is true from a higher dimensional perspective, it was only after being with Teal that I realized that I was bypassing and that I had repressed a lot of traumas this way. As a result, they kept manifesting externally. This is exactly what happened with the loss of my children.

My spiritual personality had shut down my inner child and left me disconnected. I had lost my spontaneity and my aliveness. Avtar and I agreed that it is important to avoid the two extremes of identifying with the story around the pain and repressing it. There is always a higher alternative which is to fully experience the energy around the trigger without a story and let this energy runs its course without resistance within ourselves.

As I reflected back on our conversation, I let myself fully experience the pain without identification or without the need to create a story around my pain. I went to a higher perspective and saw that I was continuously creating and emitting the energy of loss in my life. I dove into the energy of loss and I saw my life from this perspective. I re-experienced the loss of intimate partners that I was so close to. I felt their betrayal. I felt the pain of losing my stepson. I felt the pain of losing most of my friends who cut all contact with me after I made the decision to leave the cult I was a member of when I was 23. I felt the pain of losing my own children after a horrendous court battle. I felt the pain of suffering the betrayal of colleagues and employees that I worked with so closely for a long time. I have a self-concept that I am a good guy however all these events seem to show a different story. They show a herd of people angry with me, seeing me as an awful person. I acknowledged this fact and sank into the deep shame underneath all these events.

In the meditation, I was brought back to my parents and I was shown their shame. Shamanism teaches us that we inherit all of the unresolved issues of our parents through our genes. My mother lost her own mother when she was 3 years old after a neighbor had reported the abuse of the new stepfather. She became a foster child raised by an old lady. She was taught to shower in the dark because her own nudity was considered shameful. She was forbidden to turn on the light to do her homework so as to not waste the money of her caretaker. She was instructed to use worn ugly clothes in order to not attract the envy and the negative attention of people that were paying for her upbringing through subsidies with their tax money. My mother’s first love died in his early twenties from terminal illness.

My father’s story is also built upon shame. Unbeknownst to him (until he was in his sixties), his mother became pregnant with him after a love affair with a Nazi officer during the Second World War. She moved away and managed to hide the truth of the situation. However in order to avoid a possible punishment, she gave her son away to an old lady in the countryside. She would send her money, and rarely would visit. Though she loved him, she was incapable of hiding her own feelings of shame about this liaison from her son. It was only after getting more stable in her life and marrying the man that I thought was my grandfather that she took her son back. He was 10 years old. At that time, he hardly knew any French and was acting more like a wild animal than a boy of his age. Considering their background, my parents did relatively well. However, all of the shame they were not able to transform was passed to my sister and to myself.

For this incarnation, I chose to be the son of two parents who were struggling with huge shame issues. During this meditation, I saw my soul contract with shame. 4 years ago, during a spiritual experience, I saw how earth was a prison planet. I saw a vision that we were all souls that had deviated from the divine plan. I saw that from our own freewill, we started to hurt other beings in the universe and as a result, were brought to earth to re-learn the consequences of our actions to become benevolent again. From this perspective, we are like fallen angels using earth as our purgatory. Our sense of guilt has brought us to our human experience.

For a couple of years, I volunteered in jail as a chaplain to provide spiritual guidance to inmates. I realized that most convicts carry an immense amount of guilt and this is how they become a match to the experience of jail. There are a lot of people that have committed much worse actions that walk freely in the world today. If they experience no guilt, they would not end up in jail. This is why someone like Doc (Teal’s abuser) is still walking freely today. In this new meditation I saw how shame, even more than guilt, was the energy that was attaching us to earth. It is acting just like the force of gravity.

In the spiritual community, people see Love as being the opposite of Fear. From this new perspective, I could see how all fears stem from shame. When I am jealous, I feel ashamed about not being good enough for my partner. When I am afraid to do public speaking, I am ashamed to look like a fool. When I am afraid to lose my job, I am ashamed that I cannot support myself or ashamed of the disapproval of my supervisor. Most conflicts in relationship emerge from shame as well. We are desperately trying to make each other wrong so that we can be good. This is a deep realization I had with Teal a couple of weeks ago and now, we decided to practice owning our shame consciously rather than deflecting it in order to avoid conflict escalation.

I recently read the excellent book of Ross Rosenberg called ‘The Human Magnet Syndrome: Why We Love People Who Hurt Us’. He describes the codependent, narcissistic and borderline personality disorders and how they play out in relationship dynamics. As a result of reading this book, I realized that all personality disorders live within us in various degrees because they are the direct result of emotional abuse or neglect that took place in our childhood. From that perspective, there is no mental illness but only traumas that have not been released or integrated. When I realized this true cause of personality disorders, I began to see that these personality disorders all come from the shame we acquired in the face of trauma.

As a child, if something bad happens to us, we need to create meaning to deal with the suffering and most of time the meaning we create is that we are bad and this is why we deserve to get into painful experiences. The personality disorder we will develop will depend upon our degree of powerlessness in face of trauma and our own predisposition for coping. Of the three types, the codependent is the least powerless. While still raised in an environment where their emotional needs cannot be met, they are able to somehow affect the response of their caretakers. For example, a child like myself could have felt powerless with his mom’s mood swings, emotional unavailability and dark suicidal thoughts however he may have been able to get his mom’s attention by crying to evoke her pity at the very least. Codependents learn to control other people through various emotional manipulation strategies because they are not able to meet their emotional needs directly.

The codependent has a desperate need to appear to be the good guy to cover up his own inner shame. The two other disorders (Narcissists and Borderlines) develop from complete and utter powerlessness to create any needed emotional reactions from their early caretakers and they will split into 2 groups. The first group develops the ability to shut down their feelings as a coping mechanism to cover their own shame. These people can end up being narcissists, sociopaths or psychopaths. They become unable to feel. They replay their own inner drama externally, often by creating great pain around them. More often than not, men will adopt this coping mechanism because they are head centered. When the individual is unable to stop feeling as a coping mechanism, they will most likely develop borderline personality disorder. This often translates into self-injury, self-hate, suicidal tendencies and emotional deregulation. Women who are more heart centered are most likely to develop this personality disorder. This personality type creates a lot of turmoil around them however they are creating a living hell for themselves more so than for anyone else.

Some of the descriptions of these personality types may appear extreme, however we should consider that each one of us demonstrates some of these traits depending on the amount of unresolved trauma we experienced. And you will always find shame at the core of each dysfunction. Skilled therapists are reluctant to use these labels (narcissist or borderline) because they know their clients will automatically feel shame as a result of being put into that box, which would make the therapy unproductive. These terms are only useful when used from the point of view of self-observation and accessing the wealth of knowledge and tools available around them. They are not useful as a shaming mechanism.

Today, I did an exercise where I listed all the things I am ashamed of. To my surprise, there was over one hundred items in this list! It felt like I was finally being authentic and it helped me release a very heavy emotional burden that I felt I have been carrying for a very long time. I am only sharing with you a few of them because I am too ashamed of the rest 😉

  • I am ashamed that I have been such a terrible father that my children have chosen not to have a relationship with me
  • I am ashamed that I am so unattuned that people sometimes see me as dangerous
  • I feel ashamed of my heavy French accent after 20 years in the US
  • I am ashamed that I trigger my significant other often
  • I feel ashamed that I am not valuable enough to my father that he decided not to go to my wedding with Teal

This exercise helped me so much that I would like to invite you to share your own shame list with all of us in the comments below. We should consider that most institutionalized religions and most social organizations are anchored in shame. I am finding that one of the fastest ways to advance on the path of liberation is to become consciously aware of your shame.

 

Inducing altered states of consciousness to speed up evolution

I never took drugs or spiritual medicine outside of a safe shamanic container. A good friend and roommate of mine first introduced me to medicine work when I was 26. At the time, I took LSD and it completely shattered my reality. It shortcut my mind and gave me an insight into the truth of spiritual reality, love, consciousness, my own life and my ultimate purpose. What I especially loved about it is that it gave me a direct access to reality, what people call God or Source as well as the truth of who I am. Because of this experience, I developed a lot of respect for medicinal plants and would commonly recommend to seekers who feel stuck. And to people who have minds that get in the way of their heart. Because many of these substances are illegal in the US, in my early thirties, I found a completely safe and legal way to create altered states of consciousness using holotropic breathwork. As a psychotherapist, Grof was involved in earlier tests on the therapeutic potential of LSD. When psychedelics were peremptorily banned in the 1960s, Grof developed holotropic breathing as a means of simulating the psychedelic experience of LSD without the drug itself. I found an excellent facilitator where I lived in San Francisco at the time: Todd Zimmerman. Todd taught one of our best workshops to date at Philia from March 11th to 18th 2017. While breathwork does not provide the psychedelic elements that you may find with substances, it does bring altered states of consciousness, visions into the subconscious, deep emotional release and inner journeying. Another benefit is that one is able to bring much more memory away from the journey as this is a body centered experience.

After I started dating Teal, I decided not to do medicine work. First, she was not that comfortable with shamanic medicine because it brings very high intensity emotions and could prevent people from feeling day-to-day reality fully. Essentially, she does not support the idea of becoming dependent on substances to get a spiritual experience. The cult that abused her used breathwork as a way to program her as well. So she was not open to try it at the time. However, after she had a private breathwork session with Todd at Philia, she felt the potential of this practice and stated this was one of the best healing modalities available to people.

From my perspective, the states of consciousness brought by these shamanic processes are just guides to show your potential and bring you back into alignment with your higher purpose. They give you a window into the actual emotional truth of where you stand in order for you to make adjustments or changes to live your life at a higher level. They are a sacred tool that should not be used for recreational purpose. And many who have not treated them with respect have been burned. I was comfortable stopping medicine work at the time too because I was already doing so much inner work being with a woman like Teal.

After we decided to move to Costa Rica, I become very busy with all the logistics and ensuring that Philia would be a success from the get go. As a problem solver, I threw myself in this endeavor fully while I started to pay less attention to my relationship with Teal. Teal started to feel more and more abandoned. From my perspective, we were living on a magical property in beautiful Costa Rica, with our family and friends. We were starting a retreat center to heal people, which was a common dream we shared. Our relationship continued to deteriorate to a point that Teal & I started to feel concerned. After almost two years, I felt I needed to go on a shamanic journey to get new perspectives. We had received an application through Philia of a local Ayahuasca shaman so I invited him and his wife to meet with Teal & I. Teal instantly connected with him and felt guided to take this journey too but the shaman recommended that we do it on different days as some of our struggles related to our relationship. She had decided to go one day before. When she came back, she was profoundly impacted by the intensity of everything she saw but relieved in many ways. We only had one hour together before I had to leave to my own journey. I remember her eyes full of love as she saw through her third eye what Ayahuasca would teach me. However, she was not allowed to share anything yet about her own experience and what would unfold for me.

Four other friends decided to join me for this Ayahuasca journey. For three of them, it was the first time taking it. It was only my second time. I had taken it previously 6 years ago with a Peruvian group and it had been a hard but very important learning experience. While I was the last one to take a cup of the sacred mixture early evening, I was the first to feel the effect of the sacred mixture and started to vomit only after a couple of minutes. The rest of the group took three cups and a friend even had four cups and hardly felt anything. There is a saying that Ayahuasca always gives you what you need. Every person’s experience of Ayahuasca is unique. I started to purge heavily and hallucinate. My head was buzzing in an uncomfortable way. The surrounding shamanic music and the constant background of cicadas were being amplified to a state of discomfort. I was able not to go into panic, simply allowing the various fears to run their course while enduring the physical, emotional and mental pain of the experience. Teal had recommended me not to resist the place where Ayahuasca wanted to bring me. It took me two hours of torment & confusion to finally get to that place while the Shaman and his friend were attentive to all my needs while I was expressing distress as continued to purged. But when Ayahuasca came to finally take me, it hit me hard. An immense grief took possession of every cell of my body and I started sobbing uncontrollably. I saw my children. At that time, I had not seen them for a year (and it was at the court) and I have not talked to them for nine months as they refused to have any connection with me. Losing one’s children is probably one of most brutal experience one could ever experience. All this time, I had blocked the grief and the pain of this loss. I stayed in this grief space for about 14 hours simply feeling and sobbing. It was emotionally painful however the release felt good too.

I had told Teal & Mark (Teal’s ex husband) a week before that collapsing emotionally served no purpose. I realized that I was completely wrong as the crashing I was experiencing was healing me. I had so much grief accumulated in my body that I had become fully toxic to my extra sensory wife and I was more often than not choosing to dismiss her instead of acknowledging her. Or worse deflecting my pain back onto her. During the journey, I realized that at the same time I was grieving my children, my inner child was also grieving the fact that he did not have parents that were emotionally present to him. I was also grieving the fact that my personality had abandoned my inner child at a very early age that I had to be strong and to deal with childhood trauma on my own as I became a parentified child.

I remembered myself not crying at all after the divorce of my parents when I was eleven, or my mother telling me that only I was capable of taking myself when I came to her for help with the anxiety attacks I was susceptible as a young teenager. I remember learning to deal with my emotional pain alone because no one could be present with me during these times. I realized I had been abusing my inner child for over 40 years too. As is the case for development trauma, I gave myself the right to adopt new parents that could be fully present to my emotional needs. I saw clearly my coping mechanism to disconnect under pressure in order to do what I have to do. This state of disconnection had only increased Teal’s discomfort about our relationship. As this happened, the intentional community became more weary which increased the pressure on me and consequently on Teal which created a vicious circle.

I realized I needed more support from the team through a reliable management layer so that I could be nurturing and attentive to Teal. I saw my tendency to assume that something is wrong with her or try to fix her instead of acknowledging my responsibility for her distress. Regrets came through. I felt my lack of compassion towards her while holding her to very high personal behavioral standards that are not aligned to the extreme childhood traumas she endured. I also remember how Teal had shared with me so many words of wisdom or accurate explanation of what she and I were going through that I had completely dismissed. I saw clearly my resistance to her.

I suffered in the hands of a megalomaniac guru between 20 and 23 years old. I have used my logical mind as my safeguard and I have refused to take anyone on faith since. I have a need to understand to an extreme, and assume a position that other people are wrong unless they can prove me otherwise, which is a stress on relationships. I also saw my tendency to discount and dismiss other people. From four in the morning to noon, I continued to sob and experience my irrepressible grief. During that time, neither the shaman nor any of my friends came to support me. Because I was in an altered state of consciousness, I was as incapable as an infant to express the emotional need that I needed someone to hold my hand and to be present emotionally with me in this process. I had finally realized my need to feel supported and cherished by others instead of making it on my own, which I had done all my life. This time spent alone in my own torment seemed to feel like an eternity. I knew that I needed to have someone next to me and care for me to heal my development trauma to always do it on my own. Before that time, I did not really understand Teal’s words that the only way to heal from a development trauma is to meet the need that was not met in the first place.

Many times over the past year, I made the choice to go to California on business trips when Teal needed me.  I chose my professional obligations over being available to her, not realizing that this would be re-traumatizing to her. I felt I was doing the right and responsible thing. During these eight excruciating hours, I had to taste my own medicine and I had to deal with grief and isolation combined. I had to undergo the same ordeal that I had inflicted on Teal a year ago. I stayed there for hours that seemed like months waiting to be liberated. While this was pure torture, I felt intuitively that this experience was brought to me so that I could feel her pain, which was one of the intentions I had set for this journey.

All of my friends were done with their journey by early morning. They chatted, exchanged jokes and went for a nearby hike to a waterfall while I stayed suspended in limbo waiting, not knowing when I would be freed. Finally, around noon, the shaman came to me. I found the strength to make him understand that I need to feel his love and care as I finally got him to hold my hand. He gave me his unconditional presence but then start sharing with me some positive spiritual principles such as “there is only light and love”. This hurt me as I felt he did not see me or want to be with me in my pain. I start talking to him painfully to explain my need not to receive spiritual bypassing and I only wanted him to stay with me in my grief without trying to change or fix anything. I wanted to be loved unconditionally by him through his full presence. I wanted my deep sadness acknowledged, I wanted his empathy and compassion on how cruel the situation with my children had been. He got it. According the law of attraction, the painful reflection I am getting in my life is perfect but it is heartless and not conducive to healing when people reflect that high level abstract truth. Only a human perspective that is full of empathy, concern and compassion with all its raw emotions may bring healing.

I only managed to start walking around 2 PM, about 20 hours after the start of the ceremony. The shaman brought me to walk into the river close to the property. He looked at me in the eyes and thanked me for the words I had shared with him. I really felt he brought a new understanding to support people even more deeply into their shamanic journeys. We looked at each other in the eyes and connected with profound love & respect. It is ironic that I managed to teach a Shaman a truth that I have been resisting so much to learn from Teal because my spiritual journey before her had been mostly about positive focus, spiritual bypassing, avoiding pain through filters and manipulating reality through my mind.

When I came back home it felt good to be back and reconnecting with my beloved wife and to share our mutual realizations from the journey. As I was now more aware that I had been disconnected, we decided that I should open to the community and ask for their help to provide their candid feedback if they find me insensitive so that I can be more aware of some of my coping mechanism to build a sincere desire for change. Unfortunately, it did not go as well as I expected.

Eric shared his frustration that he was not yet in the place to help me because of accumulated resentment because of my pattern of lack of consideration for his feelings. The next morning, when we stopped by Graciela’s house, she announced that she is done with me that she was tired of getting hurt and did not want to support our relationship anymore. Graciela’s face was marked with shock, anger and pain as she expressed her feelings. I was in disbelief not understanding how she could have built so much resentment and I could not have even noticed it. This situation became unbearable for Teal as she was now put in the position to choose between her husband and best friend. Five members of the community spent the full day confronting me on my patterns.  To me this felt so unfair that everyone seemed to see that I was the only guilty one.  To them, it was the only way to get through to me.

While I was hopeful that the Ayahuasca would heal Teal & my relationship, the opposite seemed to be happening. All the accumulated pain built by the custody court case and my company transition and the struggles with the retreat center had put considerable stress into our relationship. Over the next following days, some difficult arguments took place that made me feel more and more powerless. At that time I did not really understand the animosity everyone held towards me.  At the time, I felt I did the best I could do every step of the way, always convinced I was doing the right thing.  It is amazing how we can think we are doing the best for people, when we are actually causing issues. As the popular adage says “The road to hell is paved with good intentions”.

Graciela had to withdraw for a couple of days from us to deal with the intensity of her emotions towards me. Graciela is a very conscious young woman who is fully committed to her personal development. Though it was clear my insensitivities and disconnection was a big part of the blow-up, she was able to acknowledge her own shadow and childhood traumas that I reflected back to her. She came to me with a pure and beautiful spirit of resolution. She had decided to come to me with an offering that will help me open my heart. Graciela is experienced working with Kambo and suggested she could help me through this modality to open my heart and let go of my protective narcissistic bubble. While my ego had resistance as I had to admit to my own flaws, I know her ability and gift as a facilitator and decided to accept her present. I especially accepted it because I was feeling again at a loss to create a beautiful relationship with Teal. It would be a series a three sessions. Because of my schedule, we spread it out over a period of weeks.

The day before the first Kambo ceremony that I scheduled with Graciela, Teal was quite busy during the day and I was looking forward to reconnect with her in the evening. However, we triggered each other and our discussion went quickly downhill from there. We decided to practice silence together until we were able to express words that were conducive to resolution. Ten minutes of painful silence followed. Teal was still feeling traumatized from two events that happened to us in 2016 where I made some difficult decisions that honestly made her suffer.  Despite that fact, I remained convinced that they were the right decisions to make.  And Teal felt lost trust in me because she felt I was not capitalizing on her best interests. I started to explain to her the conundrum that I faced by using a simple example as the two other situations were too painful for a construction discussion. We brought a beautiful chime from Park City and Teal had hung it outside below our bedroom at Philia as it looked great there. Unfortunately, Costa Rica can have very windy nights and the chime would wake me up at night. I asked her if we could hang it somewhere else but she felt that was the best place for it. She suggested to tie it at night with a ribbon but I told her it was unnecessary as I did not want to impose on her to do this every night as I felt she has way more important things to do.

This example illustrated perfectly my coping strategy. I lived all my life as if there is only two ways to deal with an unpleasant situation. You either cope by making the thing you do not like OK, or you change externally. Overtime, I managed to educate my willpower and endurance to such a degree that coping is typically my favorite option. I take the burden upon myself and do not need to create a conflict. However, I do this often at the expense of parts of myself. Also, to compensate for the fact that I can be more flexible on many small things, I developed a very strong core that is unmovable. Therefore, I would take a very strong stand and be extremely stubborn about it no matter what the consequence is to keep some form of identity. All of my life, I basically only gave myself two options. Either I cope by repressing my own needs and wants, or bulldoze my needs over others, which then forces me to cope to not care about the resentment of others. It never occurred to me before that there could be a third solution where I could consider a solution where both my needs and the other person needs would be addressed at the same time! It seemed obvious however it never occurred to me until that discussion with Teal. I suddenly realized how much damage this limited belief had done to my life and people close to me. That night, Teal actually put a ribbon around the chime and both of our needs were met easily. We practiced a role-play where we went back to the events where I imposed my needs over her, with this time the desire to consider both of us at the same time. To my surprise, this was actually possible but now it stopped building resentment and built trust instead as I actually showed genuine concern for her best interests.

When a need conflict happens, the partners would need to express both of their needs and wants in a vulnerable way and start exploring out a solution together that could work for both. This may seem simple but I had never done this before. It was only either suppressing my needs or discounting the needs of others. It was always a lose-lose. Also, I realized that I used my spiritual practice all of my life to cope. I had become a master at filtering and altering reality, creating positive meaning to painful situations in order to feel better. This pattern runs in my family. My grandmother who is soon 101 year old is the happiest in her nursery home. She is surrounded by people who are dying, miserable and in pain most of the time and she only sees the positive. My father has no real relationship with his children, and a difficult marriage with heavy resentment but he maintains the story that his wife is perfect. By being in denial, and making a painful and unacceptable situation OK, we actually make change impossible. Our filters will stop making reality painful, however unfortunately we then become enablers of very dysfunctional patterns and the repressed negative emotions find their reflection in the immediate environment. If a wife copes with the abuse of her husband, she accepts it and does not then try to change an ugly reality. By coping, adapting to our circumstances and to our world, we actually make things worse instead of better as we allow the dysfunction to continue. This intense realization had come just before the first Kambo ceremony just as the frog had started working on me.

I am now in front of Graciela before we start the Kambo ceremony. She asks me if I have an intention. Kambo is a hard process as the frog poison you absorb makes you vomit and purge in the most unpleasant ways. I call Kambo a mini Ayahuasca as it makes you purge in the same way but the journey lasts only one hour instead of a full night. These are medicines that are impossible to get addicted to, as the purging is so unpleasant. I really did not want to go through this experience again. I then looked at my present life and I realized the horror of my situation. The 3 people I love the most in this world are the very same people who feel the most pain towards me: my wife and my 2 children from my previous marriage. I have a wife telling me she is not happy. I had the same situation in my previous marriage.  I realized in this moment that I could not have dreamt of a more perfect wife. Even in my wildest dreams, I could not have wished for someone like Teal who is so spiritual, smart, beautiful, creative and with a grand purpose. My children are also great kids: smart, gifted in so many ways and with a big heart. At that moment, I decided to dedicate my Kambo session with Graciela to Love. I was doing this to bring back the flow of Love in my life for these 3 people. In this space, I could finally let go of my fear, take a leap of faith, as I have known for a long time that a life without Love is not worth living.

Graciela now asks me to drink 1.5 liters of water. This is not easy and I feel bloated by the water. She then proceeds to burn my skin with a small wooden stick on my heart chakra where she decided to apply the Kambo. While unpleasant, this pain is nothing in comparison to the emotional pain I have just contemplated. She now spread the frog poison on my burns. After less than a minute, my heart starts beating intensely. I see the fear in some of my thoughts that my heart would stop beating. I let go of the resistance. I start vomiting. It is mostly water, as I fasted in the morning. It feels awful and deeply humbling as I keep purging. Fortunately, after only a couple of minutes, I vomit a core belief from my childhood called “Personne ne n’aime” which means “no one loves me”. It is hard to explain but it feels like this French sentence was physical and I actually spit out from my body at that time. I reflect and see the truth of this statement. I do not mean to put my parents under the bus as they did what they could with what they had. My father did not have parents until he was 10 years old and my mother lost her mum when she was 3 and she does not even remember any contact with her father. Because of their own family traumas, they simply could not give me what I was longing so much for, because they never received it in the first place: love, closeness and nurturing. The belief that “no one loves me” crystallized the harsh reality of how I was feeling as a child and it stayed with me for almost the next 40 years. Core beliefs are so strong that your whole reality will actually get organized around them and create misery when it is a limited belief like this one.

I stayed with the feeling, became fully present to my inner child holding this belief and validated him. I realized that even my external and worldly success was simply a coping mechanism for the fact I did not think I could be loved for who I was, and only performance could give me love. When I was six, my father gave me money as I brought back straight As from school. Therefore, I thought that if I were a good enough student, I would have love. At age 20, I passed the exam of one of the best schools of France but crashed a couple of months after the admission when I realized that this accomplishment would not give me what I was so desperately looking for without knowing: love. As a result, I joined a spiritual group, which ended up being a cult a couple of months later as I was desperately trying to find a way out of my emotional torment. I thought this spiritual group was everything I had always looked for. However, I left disillusioned 3 years later after realizing all the corruption and abuse orchestrated from the leader. I had been used and not loved.

At 26, I entered a 15-year relationship & marriage, which brought two wonderful children in a course for status, success and money in the heart of the Silicon Valley. Unfortunately, when we mutually decided to part, I was ostracized by my ex wife and her parents and during the course of a year long custody battle in court, I ended up losing my children. At that moment, I saw that my marriage had been more a contract based on mutual benefits than a relationship based on real love.  The minute the marriage ended, there was nothing of a connection left.  No openness to continue a relationship either.  In my ex wife’s mind, when the contract of marriage ended, it was now war.

In order for me to heal the child that believes that no one loves him, I need to give him what he truly wants: Love & Appreciation. Even at Philia, I had created a situation where team members would resent me because of my domineering attitudes that were focused on execution rather than connection. I also made it OK for people to resent me as long as they do their job. I have watched Teal do the opposite, sometimes spending up to a full day to solve a problem with a person. I thought initially it was a complete waste of time, not realizing that she was working on alignment.  Once people are fully aligned they will go the extra mile, be proactive and amaze you with the quality of their work. I made a commitment at that moment that it was not OK for me to be OK with being resented anymore. I had to stop this especially that our retreat center is based on connection. I felt I understood authenticity for the first time. I cannot be authentic by coping or imposing my needs above others. Instead, I need to focus on a third alternative that can only come through when I internalize the other person’s needs.

I saw the community too. I saw clearly in my medicine journey that one of our team members with responsibilities had been resentful towards me. To heal my inner child, it became apparent to me I had to stop making it OK for me to be resented.  To do that, I had to stop giving people a reason to resent me as well as resolve resentment if it ever came up.  I had put a lot of energy into both the move to Costa Rica and Philia. I have not done that to get people to resent me. It felt very unfair from my limited perspective. While I understood I created this situation to prove the belief “no one loves me”, I had to put a clear stop to this to start healing this destructive belief. I decided to meet with this person the same day. It did not matter anymore how long it would take to solve our difference and I made the commitment to live an environment where I am liked instead of feared. I can still be true to my own needs and their needs at the same time. I committed to do what it takes for people to like me. I have had the attitude that I do not care what people think about it as long as things get done.

Ten days had passed and it was now the time for the second Kambo with Graciela. The positions of the burns are typically intuitively felt by the shaman just before the ceremony. But the night before, I had woken up Teal by talking in my sleep saying very clearly “6 points on the palindrome”. While I did not know this before, a palindrome is a word that reads the same backward and forward such as “madam”. While at breakfast, we felt intuitively that it is a message for the Kambo ceremony as “points” are another word for the burn marks used to absorb the frog medicine. Graciela did a Google and tells us that “eye” is the only body part that is a palindrome. This discovery triggered me. After I started dating Teal, I had told her I did not need to take Kambo.  The main reason I did not want to do Kambo because it makes marks on the body and all my life, I have been uncomfortable with anything that alters the original nature of the body.  Teal has felt hurt by me in the past when I expressed my dislike of tattoos.

I felt intuitively that the palindrome meant the third eye. However I was thinking that the last thing I wanted to do in the world was to have burn marks on my forehead.  Especially seeing as I had an important upcoming business meeting in the US. I started to complain, revolt and state clearly that I did not want to do it. Teal started to experience genuine sadness and she shed a couple of tears.  A common theme in our arguments over the last year has been that Teal feels I care more about how I look to others than I care about how she feels.  She said “How ironic” as here we were in a scenario where I was intuitively told that to have access to love, I would have to put the points on my forehead.

Over the last previous days, we had a couple of arguments where I deflected my shame into her and made her feel like the one with problems while I was actually the one creating the trigger in the first place. During these times, I had chosen to defend my self-concept and look good instead of seeing the truth. I started to feel her pain, disappointment and sadness about me. At that moment, I remembered the time where I would have given everything just for the opportunity to have a date with her. I reminded myself of my commitment to remove any wall that stands between me and her, and my promise to her that as long as I can breath, I will always choose to love her. I accepted reluctantly to have Kambo administered to my forehead as I reminded myself that my relationship with her is so much more important than looking good. I started thinking about wearing a hat, or putting my hair in front of the marks to get more comfortable about the idea and to get into acceptance with this higher guidance. She re-assured me that she could make them look good.  As a side note and quite ironically, since I was preparing myself to have scars, the kambo marks were gone in less than a week and there are no scars whatsoever left over.

An hour later, I am laying down ready for the application of Kambo, I remind myself of my intention “I want to see” focusing on my 3rd eye chakra. Six burns are applied on my forehead. Shortly after I experience a faster heartbeat and I start to emit some tones to clear energy in my throat chakra that is between my heart and third eye. The medicine takes much more time to work on me than the previous session. It took at least ten minutes before the need to purge. Teal is in the room typing on her computer writing her next Ask Teal episode. I reach out to her in a vulnerable space to stop doing it, as I really need her undivided attention. This is ironic too as I am typically the one absorbed on my computer tuning other people out.  Yet another reflection of what I do to other people. A vision starts coming through. My consciousness becomes Teal as a child on a table. I am in the process of being tortured by Doc. He shows absolutely no empathy like he is working on a robot. I experience unbearable pain. On the other side of Doc comes the spirit of Teal’s mother. She does not see Teal’s pain and pushes it back onto her not understanding why her daughter is acting so uncontrollably and wondering what is wrong with her. She gets angry with her. Back on the table, I feel like I am made to swallow my own vomit. I am in pain as I purge but I realize suddenly that I am so lucky that I am able to scream or vomit. It feels like such a good release and I receive the loving attention of both Teal and Graciela in the room.

When Teal was tortured, she did not have the luxury of any form of release. Doc would put something in her mouth to prevent her from screaming. The torture experienced felt so much more horrific when there is not even a possibility to release and to witness the complete emotional disconnection from Doc. I am now transported into a different mindscape that I see is connected to a vision I had 5 years previously during a breathwork facilitated by Todd Zimmerman. At that time, five years ago, one of the women breathing in the room was reliving a rape she had experienced as a teenager. She yelled from such a profound part of her being that it started to affect me and I relived intuitively a sensation of a past life where I was a father where my father got raped and I made it worse through my own behavior. Now, under Kambo, what was an alluring feeling 5 years ago during that breathwork session appears as a very clear past life in high definition.

We are back in time and I am a spiritual teacher in India with an important following. I am a scholar, I hold an impressive spiritual knowledge of the scriptures. I think I know everything, and I always have a response to any of my followers’ questions. My ego is huge and I am full of myself. I am respected and feared, and some of my domineering and inflexible attitudes create antagonism too. Through unfortunate circumstances, my only daughter gets raped by some of my enemies as they try to hurt me through her. I see myself being furious at my daughter telling her how she brought ridicule and dishonor onto our family and my reputation. I shun her and punish her. I make it all her fault. Because of my hardness, cold and cruel behavior, she commits suicide. When my followers inquiry about this tragic event, I tell them with utter certainty as someone believing his own lies, that a life had come where she would awaken so she decided to take the opportunity and exit her body. Deep down, I know I am the one responsible for the death of my only daughter because I kept spreading shame on her open wound. During that life, I never let myself consciously experience the responsibility for her death. From that point on, I went downhill and created a lot of damage among my followers. I see how my cult experience in this life was a direct consequence of this karma. I see clearly who is the reincarnation of my daughter in this life. I experience sincere regrets towards this person and I got to better understand her antagonistic behavior towards me that never seemed to make sense. I experience a desire to make it better, and can now more easily let go of her behavior that I judged as unfair. I understand that lack of empathy is the most dangerous thing of the world. If every one of us could feel each other pain, the world would be so different. Family quarrels, work oppression, crime, wars would end immediately. I decide to make a total commitment to allow myself to feel. I realize that I used the tools of self-development and spirituality to make myself comfortable and avoid pain no matter what are the circumstances and I became a “master coper” as a result. I now consciously choose to feel in full awareness even if it involves pain in order to become fully alive.

Please Go In Peace

After my last blog, I received multiple requests to write a blog to compare The Presence Process from Michael Brown and The Completion Process from Teal. I have found Michael Brown’s work remarkable and complementary to Teal’s and would recommend it to everyone but obviously only people that have not studied or read both works would think the processes are the same.  But yesterday morning, a couple of friends directed me to read Teal’s ex-husband (Sarbdeep Swan’s) new vindictive blog.  It was then that I realized that it is more important to look at the person creating the distorted information rather than at the information itself. In the same way that a little bit of research on the Nithyananda cult discredits any attack coming from him and his followers, the same can be said of Sarbdeep Swan.

I first met Sarbdeep in January 2014 in Park City during the Sundance Film Festival. I had a business trip in Utah for fund-raising and thought I would try to meet with Teal, this extraordinary YouTube spiritual teacher who was wise beyond her years. By chance (or turn of destiny) my invitation got accepted at the last minute. I had invited them to the Good Karma restaurant in Park City and I still remember to this day the trepidation I had waiting for her in the restaurant, feeling intuitively that this meeting would change my life.

Well, as you can probably guess, this hunch has proved truer that I would have ever imagined. When Teal came in, I was light-struck by her grace, beauty and magnetism. Sarbdeep and Blake were also present. While Sarbdeep was a bit tense and quiet, he was cordial with me that evening, and it felt like we all had a good connection. We then went downtown to enjoy the Sundance madness.  However Teal quickly felt tired.  The crowds were draining her energy because of her extrasensory gifts. While Sarbdeep brought her back home, Blake and I ended up staying in town a bit longer.

That year, I saw Teal only two more times. I took advantage of an international business trip to India and Europe to attend her London synchronization workshop in April. Our exchange there was limited to a quick friendly hug.  Later that year, in November 2014, I took advantage of another business trip to Utah to visit with Teal & Sarbdeep.  This time, I came with one of my colleagues and we had another pleasant evening with both of them. Teal felt comfortable enough to invite me for tea the following evening at her house. She made the remark at the time that Sarbdeep and I could not be more opposite from an energetic standpoint. I had some good conversation with Sarbdeep that evening and I felt that both of us were on friendly terms. I actually liked him at the time. He appeared grounded, smart and articulate. Later on, after Sarbdeep left Teal to fly home indefinitely to London and we started our love relationship, Teal confessed to me that Sarbdeep hated me from day one. According to her, I made him feel very insecure and she had a couple of bad fights with him just because she accepted our meetings and the occasional gift I would send. There was absolutely nothing going on between us at the time. I was simply one amongst the many acquaintances and friends that appreciate her work.

Sarbdeep would be passive aggressive before and after our meetings to punish her for these brief exchanges. However, when I met with him, nothing of this sort would transpire. Sarbdeep can pose for appearance and is a master of manipulation. Hopefully you can see this from the threatening, emotionally abusive and blackmailing e-mail that he send Teal out of the blue after 9 months of not talking to her…

” From: Sarbdeep Swan
Sent: Friday, September 9, 2016 7:56 AM
To: Teal Swan
Subject:

I have been informed by a number of your ‘fans’ that gecko (his nickname for me) has been spreading the lie that myself and his ex wife have been been sleeping together. (He did actually develop a relationship with my ex wife after he discovered that we were together and fed her information for my ex wife to use in custody court regarding my 2 children against Teal).

Black Swan (his nickname for Teal), you are going to write a blog before the end of this weekend saying that he has been telling this lie and you will say that it is impossible as we live in different countries and have not ever even met. Do not refer to me by name, refer to me as your ‘ex husband’. You will also be authentic and inform the public that you have used Michael Brown’s book The Presence Process for your own healing and journey…….You can thank gecko for putting you in this predicament.

If you do not put this blog up by sunday, informing of these two points, I will do it and I will add some other details, information and facts about you both. Expect a series of blogs uncovering your lies, half truths, manipulations, exaggerations and embellishments, all backed up with proof and evidence. The public have been begging me to continue and I’m on the cusp of going to war with you. Tell that little squirt, man-boy gecko I’m ready for a war at any time….you people don’t stand a chance, and you know it.

There are other things I am aware of, but I will leave these for later, depending on how you handle this.

I was about to take my blog down, but these lies will now be cleared up.

Myself and ‘J’ (His friend John, who is a professional hit man) are planning to see you in the UK at the end of the year to straighten some things out now,  don’t bother being discreet it will take us 15 mins to locate you, wherever you are.

Take me off all your clips or email those that are not linked directly on your site. Either entirely edit my image AND my voice out or take the clips down. If you don’t I will be seeking compensation and damages for using my image and my voice without my permission, and expect a very public response.

I do not want to be associated with your fraudulent ‘teachings’ and your vulgar and trashy public image.

When all is done, we will reconnect and complete any final business. You will at some point wake up to the fact that gecko is the reincarnation of Doc, the unhealed obsessive. When you get to that point, if you want to speak, the door will be open for you and for the truth of your soul.

Don’t bother with a response.

Sunday.
ps. The land and waters of costa rica call you, you should go. You will find it a transformative experience.”

 

I am relating these events so that you understand that while he is attempting to project the appearance of someone straightforward, reasonable and trustworthy, this is unfortunately all posture and a façade.  You need to take the insulting information coming from him with a grain of salt.

Let’s go back in time.  To November 2013. Teal’s career as a spiritual teacher started growing so fast that she had accepted a request to speak overseas in Europe. This was her first international speaking engagement. Blake who was going for the first time to Europe and who was not really aware of the cost of living in London booked a hotel in one of the worst parts of town. Once they arrived, Teal was sent into a panic attack by the thought forms present in hotel (imprints of prostitutes and abuse) while already disoriented by being in a foreign land.  Her deepest fears coming from her childhood were triggered.  They had to find another place to stay.

Later, she was introduced to her bodyguard, a handsome British man of Sikh origin and she felt attached to him instantly.  By some twist of fate, he shared the same birthday as both of her two previous husbands: August 29th.  This was the perfect storm. To his credit, Sarbdeep is an exemplary personal assistant and has worked with some top British politicians and the pop star Madonna. He knows exactly what to do for a celebrity to focus on their job and to not be distracted. During his relationship with Teal, he excelled at preventing triggers and dangers before they showed-up.   He knew how to make her feel safe physically and was very attentive to her boundaries relative to other people. Coming from a very abusive family background, he developed the sixth sense that helped him stay alive as a kid and positively turned it into a professional career. Unfortunately, Sarbdeep was excellent at keeping Teal safe from everyone except from himself…

Within two weeks, Teal brought Sarbdeep to the United States. He did not have a job at the time so both of them were free to experience their passion freely. While their infatuation for each other was real, they quickly got married for a number of reasons. One of them was that Sarbdeep was British and needed to get the paperwork to stay permanently in the US as long as his new wife was there. He felt that the personal assistant work he had been doing so far was beneath him, and he often spoke about wanting to get into politics and get into a leadership role. Teal decided to start a YouTube series called “Tea Time with Teal” in which Sarbdeep co-hosted. Many of these videos shared excellent content but they have unfortunately been removed from the web at his demand after the break-up as her threatened to sue her if they stayed up.

One of their biggest struggles as a couple was around the concept of privacy and openness. In my experience, people who are obsessed about privacy are the ones that are fixated by the image they want to project onto others.  If you re-read Sarbdeep’s accusations towards me, you will see exactly what he in fact did and intends to do with Teal.  It is a deep insecurity that is fueled by a personal sense of inadequacy, and it manifests into the desire to control all the information going to the public. With Teal leading a movement on authenticity, these two could not have been more incompatible.

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Sarbdeep’s  suspicion and jealousy has always been intense. Two weeks into their relationship, Sarbdeep secretly got into Teal’s e-mail account and saw an email exchange between Teal and one of her former boyfriends where she offered him closure and an indication of being on good terms.  While the email did not indicate any form of infidelity, Sarbdeep deemed it inappropriate and withdrew from the marriage, distrusting her yet never confronting her about it until he had left the country over a year later.  It was then that he began to look at her every move through the lens of ‘infidelity’.  He demanded that she stop wearing provocative clothing and stop smiling at other men.

In astrological terms, both Teal and I have our moon in Aquarius so our love energy is naturally quite diffused which is a nightmare for insecure partners. As Teal explained in a previous blog, she is emotionally polyamorous meaning she needs to experience emotional intimacy with multiple friends but she is definitely monogamous sexually and romantically.  To my surprise, she is actually more conservative than I am. She has been a serial monogamist since she escaped the cult and she has one of the healthiest attitude towards sex that I have experienced. This came to me as a surprise too considering the amount of sexual abuse she experienced as a child and teenager.

The fact is that Teal is an extremely attractive woman and there are thousands of men out there in love with her. There is not a week in our life where she does not receive a deep passionate love letter from an admirer or an ex from her past or a new pretender trying to win her heart. You can understand that this type of situation would be an utter nightmare for someone who is as insecure or as jealous as Sarbdeep. Compounded with an ultra sensitivity for danger, Sarbdeep was always on alert with Teal and this pressure was too much from him. As a result, he decided he knew what was best for her and tried to build a cage to isolate her where he felt he could keep her from the world.   However he was in fact trying to keep himself safe from his own insecurities.

Since she was 19, Teal’s own sense of safety had been guaranteed by her small intentional community composed of long time and loyal friends such as Blake. Sarbdeep made every effort to discredit all these members to Teal so that she would leave them behind. Sarbdeep’s fantasy was to make Teal an immense success on the world stage as a spiritual teacher.  To him, all of her friendships were impediments to that goal. She fought hard to preserve this boundary.  She felt intuitively that if she let go of her inner circle, Sarbdeep would just switch his focus to something else that she would have to change about herself to be treated well by him.  Fortunately, she held strong at the time and was able to keep both Blake and Mark in the house.

Sarbdeep has been spreading the rumor that Teal had been cheating on him with me during the course of their relationship.  Something most people do not know is that when Sarbdeep left, he did not tell Teal whether or not there was hope for the marriage.  For three months after Sarbdeep left, he barely communicated with her and left her on a hook until he eventually said “I cannot ever commit to you”.  He gave no reason for this behavior at all until 9 months had passed (after Teal and I had already begun dating).  He then told her the entire reason he shut down in the relationship and withdrew into his avoidant attachment style was because he could not trust Teal to be faithful. How would that be possible when he was with her every single minute of every day until their break-up when he abandoned her to retreat back to London instead of fighting to improve the relationship?  I guess fidelity does not mean the same thing to one person as to the next.  It sure as hell doesn’t mean the same thing for the British and for the French.  Where I come from, it means not sleeping with anyone while you are in a committed relationship.

Teal’s videos are often inspired from her personal life and struggles. From this standpoint, you can easily see if I am in trouble by the title of her videos 😉 For example, when she released a video on attunement, it is because she was frustrated with my “bubble”. When you are married to Teal, there is no choice but to constantly work on yourself. It works with a self-improvement junkie like me but it can be very intimidating for most men as there is really nowhere to hide. The most problematic part is that she is right 99% (she would say 100%) of the time!

I remember the first time, early in the relationship, when she mirrored an unconscious part of me. I was terrorized at the idea of being vulnerable with her.  I was afraid she may use it against me or leave me because I was not good enough for her. I decided to let go because I could not hide from her anyway. She was actually very supportive to my surprise and it was so different from what I experienced in previous relationships. Overtime I have learned to relax, not resist and just do the work knowing she is always there for me. Resisting is pointless. As such, the last 15 months have been the most amazing journey though it is not for the faint of heart.  All of my shadows are exposed one by one.

As Teal’s partner, if you are not quick enough to work on your shadows, they end up on the weekly AskTeal video.  As you can see, this would be hellish for someone so preoccupied with privacy and appearance.  However from the looks of it, Sarbdeep has now overcome his resistance around privacy as he has started a blog to denigrate and ‘expose’ Teal.

In early 2015, Teal released a video on overcoming porn addiction (which was then reposted in October 2015 by Blake who needed to change one picture at the request of a viewer). This episode related to Sarbdeep’s personal challenge. Because of the trauma originating from his childhood, he developed a suppressed hatred for women in general.  His sexual fantasies revolved around objectifying women, submitting them, using them sexually then disposing of them.  You can imagine the damage this would do to a woman he is in a relationship with.  Some months before the relationship ended, he stopped all sexual contact with Teal saying to her “I can’t be turned on by you because you’ve been touched by too many men, it’s like no one wants to wear used clothing.” Can you imagine the true character it takes to say that to a woman who has been sexually abused?

If we go back to Teal’s videos around that time, you in fact have a window into their relationship. The Zebra and The Watering Hole was her personal encouragement to meet her own needs instead of dying emotionally in the desert of her relationship.  If you can’t tell from the way he has responded post-breakup, Sarbdeep was the most emotionally abusive man that Teal had ever had a relationship with in her adult life.

Sarbdeep has one thing in mind – to either control Teal or destroy her.  It is a common pattern in abusive relationships, which is what the relationship was.  I, personally cannot believe that people don’t immediately see that from what he is doing now publicly to try to destroy her.  Also, both husbands that Teal had previous to Sarbdeep (as well as myself as her current husband), have a completely different opinion of Teal that he does.  Mark for example says openly that Teal is one of his favorite people walking the planet and that she is still one of his best friends.  So much of what Sarbdeep says about her is simply a flat out lie.  When people ‘resonate’ with Blogs like Sarbdeep’s that are designed to completely demolish someone’s public image, they rarely consider that many people, who are equally qualified if not more qualified to speak to Teal’s actual character, do not agree with what he has said about her at all.

A relationship expert once said that it takes three ingredients for a successful marriage. First, people have to be in love. Secondly, they need to be compatible and thirdly, they need to have access to tools that allow them to face the inevitable challenges in the relationship.  It is upsetting to me that Sarbdeep can’t just be an adult and admit to that and take that knowledge about how critical compatibility and commitment are into his next relationship.

Despite all the relationship struggles they experienced together, Teal never ceased to be committed. She even honored the three-month wait after he abandoned her by going back to England.  I can even attest to this personally because when I, myself wrote Teal a love letter professing my love, she wrote me back telling me that she was going to give her relationship everything she could until there was no more hope.  I don’t know everything about Sarbdeep was but I was raised to understand that abandoning a woman for a foreign country and expecting her to stay indefinitely committed to him in his absence OR to change herself completely so that the relationship can resume on his terms… is abuse instead of love.

I am a proponent in society of reciprocity in relationship. We should start all relationships with a positive demeanor and work on conflict resolution when problems emerge. However when you are faced with individuals that are clearly antagonistic and are completely lost in their own control drama and whose sole goal is to hurt people around them, one cannot simply turn the other cheek. If we had followed this advice during the Second World War, we would all be speaking German today. A lot of spiritual people are so afraid of negativity that they are ready to accept the intolerable and make it OK to avoid a fight.

It is not OK for anyone to disparage my wife and my friends publicly, unfairly and untruthfully. As part of the divine masculine, we men are supposed to be protectors too and fight for what is fair and just. Among Teal’s followers today, there are a lot of people who have been victims. Many of these people were often more traumatized by the fact that there was no one there to protect them after the initial assault and that their own family and friends would abandon them.  How many women victims of rape have been humiliated and discredited after they went to the authorities to look for justice?  This coward like attitude that is so rampant in our society is the reason why psychopaths and murderers like Doc are still free and continue to commit their heinous acts.

A couple of years ago, I went to a holotropic breathwork workshop. A woman in the room was able to fully re-experience the pain of being raped as a teenager and was yelling her lungs out. This put me in a trance and I relived a past life where my daughter had been raped but instead of being supportive of her, I was instead angry at her for the shame and dishonor she was bringing to the family. Only as an old man, did I realize that the damage I had done to her was actually worse to her rapist and I was burdened at the time by guilt, pain and regret.

As you know, falling in love is as much about the attraction of the dark between two individuals as it is about the attraction of the light. Me and Sarbdeep are no different there with our relationship with Teal. As Teal previously mentioned in her blog, she has a tendency to look subconsciously for a mate that mirrors the male figures that had the most impact in her childhood, basically Dad and Doc in order to bring resolution and healing.

I understand that Sarbdeep has called me the “reincarnation of Doc”, “The unhealed obsessive” and I am about to show you it is a complete projection of Sarbdeep himself.  Sarbdeep is not psychopathic like Doc but can definitely be dangerous when consumed by rage or jealousy. Both Doc and Sarbdeep have an inflated ego and are obsessed by narcissistic control over the person they wish to control. When Teal escaped, Doc was so sure that his programs worked that he was convinced that Teal would eventually “come home” to him. In the same way, when Sarbdeep left to England in March 2015, he was convinced that Teal could not live without him and would have no choice but to leave her intentional community, comply to his opinion about what is best for her and come to him in London. During their relationship, Sarbdeep had no problem using Teal’s triggers and PTSD as “hooks” to secure her dependency on him.  Hooks he used yet again in the e-mail he sent to terrify her this last week.  He even grabbed her and threw her onto a bed and left her alone so he could take a shower in the middle of a dissociative seizure because he was so sick of dealing with her condition.  Another member of the community personally witnessed this.  When they broke up, Teal was completely devastated.  She dropped to 97 pounds.   But she did not submit to Sarbdeep’s controlling, emotionally abusive manipulation tactics thanks to the support of Blake, Graciela and Mark. During their relationship, Sarbdeep was frequently shaming her, stating she was an embarrassment and that only he could make something out of her. He put himself in a position of power that she would be lost without him and that not one person out of her entourage was qualified to protect her. None of us that were watching her videos during this time could have even imagined what was going on behind closed doors because, like Doc, Sarbdeep is so good at posing as an esteemed and respected member of society.  And because unlike Sarbdeep, after their breakup, Teal took the high road by NOT publicly exposing what he was actually doing to her.

Despite the reality of what really went on in Sarbdeep and Teal’s relationship, she has kept their “pact” to not go public to discredit each other.  Sarbdeep had failed to honor this promise when he started to release his vindictive blogs.

We have the tendency to think that we are the ones saving the day, when in fact we are actually the villain.  Sarbdeep says that I am the “reincarnation of Doc”.  Re-read the email he sent Teal at the beginning of this blog and his blogs about Teal and you can decide who you think the reincarnation of Doc in Teal’s life really is.

I want to help Teal heal this aspect of trauma that is the result of not being defended by her Dad against Doc as a child. Blake, Mark and I all share this character aspect of her dad. We are the good guys that want to please everyone and as a result may lack the backbone at times to stand for her. We have the tendency to make OK what is not OK so as to avoid making waves. We can minimize a serious situation in order to not experience the discomfort related to adversity. We can be un-attuned and as a result miss all the warning signs and as a result bring our loved ones into a shark’s lagoon. We men, need to re-own our protector side and stand for our women.

As Sarbdeep is now fully endorsing the authenticity movement, I am sure he will have no problem sharing with everyone that after they broke up, he demanded to receive 15% of the royalties of her upcoming book The Completion Process while he never contributed financially to the household (in fact, Teal was giving him a monthly allowance). This was an interesting request from someone that is now claiming that her book is a full plagiarism.

Shortly after Teal and I started our relationship in June of 2015, he reconnected with her after months of utter silence (he knew her fear of isolation was a hook) as he had heard rumors she was in a new relationship. She was deeply bothered by her conversations with him, in which he was super abusive.  I sent him an email asking to skype him so that both Teal and him could eventually develop a friendship in a similar way that she had done with Mark previously. He ignored me completely but instead sent her an email about me on July 27th, 2015:

“I am genuinely concerned for you and for your work should you pursue this course of action with Ale. All the signs physical and non-physical are not in favor of this. He has no integrity and no morality, and is deceitful with EVERYONE in his life. Multiple infidelities with his wife, while at the same time telling you he loved you, in a sense he has already cheated on you. Being ‘friendly’ with myself and Blake and getting involved with your workshops solely to get to you. Cheating on the ones he was cheating with, lying to his company board members and management about the shares he gave you. Who is he honest with??

His company is part of the Big Pharma and Bio Technology market, and are a part of the very machinery you so despise and have dedicated your life to fighting. Nestle – Famous for the ‘Breast Milk Scandal’ in poor and 3rd world countries. They are privatizing all the water in the world and have famously said – ‘Clean drinking water is not a human right’. The biotechnology companies, creating GMO’s and vaccines. His work may not be directly involved with these but he is a part of the machinery of this system and by owning shares in his company, you are a part of this machinery to, in essence you have crossed over to the other side.

He is corrupt and that is infecting you now slowly..all the money used to pay for the gifts he bought you and are probably planning your life with him is earnt from this corruption. Stuart wrote an article about these companies before he died and called them ‘Satans Army’ – he’d be turning in his grave.

He is also working his way into your work and your company ‘taking responsiblity for you in accordance with masculine tradition’ as you said in a previous email is not pure – it is about control, he seeks to control and possess you. Getting in will be easy, getting out of the relationship will be difficult. He is a SOCIOPATH, just out of curiosity google the traits and see how many traits he has. He will make Fallon seem like walk in the park. When things turn with him, they will turn very bad – he has the deviousness and patience to cause some very real problems.

Everyone is against this and I mean EVERYONE.”

If you love what Sarbdeep has to say about Teal, then you have no commitment to the truth about Teal.  You simply want validation for the negative emotion that you, yourself feel towards her already and want to be justified for feeling this way.  But for anyone who is sitting on the fence about Teal, know this:  I have now been with this magnificent woman called Teal longer than Sarbdeep was with her. I fully understand why he cannot get over Teal. Before Teal, I did not understand what love really meant. This woman has such capacity for love, such sensitivity and passion that she would make every love relationship after her unpalatable.

There is no guarantee that I may not end up in the same misery as Sarbdeep is in, in the future.  But the difference between Sarbdeep and me is that I understand how lucky and fortunate I am.  And I will fight for her love as long as I can make this next breath. I understand she is this beautiful bird that needs be free and spread her large wings, and I trust God that she will want to come back to me over and over again.  If I treat her right and never take her for granted.  She was never interested to stay in a cage and cannot be constrained.

Who is Sarbdeep trying to fool when he says “I have been hoping not to publish this blog, but I knew deep within me that I would eventually have to present it to the world.”?  The zealous that spread defamation and hatred to “save the world” are the most dangerous people on the planet. Please do not join the growing ranks of radicals and fanatics that are making our world more and more unsafe. Go in peace.  People who are paying any attention, see in Sarbdeep a jealous man driven by revenge and not a righteous man concerned for the victims of an imaginary perpetrator.

Sarbdeep, I beg you to stop wasting your time and precious energy and start using your own gifts to make this world a better place.  Teal loved you fully when she was with you, and fought with everything she had to make your relationship work.  All of the people who knew you both when you were together corroborate this reality.  So why do you need to drag her into your mud? You are the one that needs help so stop focusing on us and move on with your life. Teal and I have a loving relationship and we do not need you to save us, our friends or our community.  We both wished instead that you could have been one of those friends.

It is not ok that you vilified Graciela in your last blog. I understand that the term “personal maid” or “domestic worker” disgusts you because this is what many British snobs called you when you exercised your position as a personal assistant. From my perspective, all professions are respectable. In fact, Graciela recently resigned from her position as homemaker to focus on her true passion and gift, which is emotional caretaking. We have attracted a wonderful new woman to replace her and it feels a win-win on both sides. Are you actually experiencing pleasure denigrating and putting down others?

I would like to finish this blog with a quotation from Martin Niemöller

“First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out—Because I was not a Socialist.

Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out—Because I was not a Trade Unionist.

Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out—Because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me.”

This is why it is so critical to stand for one another in our community.

Also, I am offering to remove this public blog if Sarbdeep reinstates his pact of non disparagement in the public with Teal by removing both of his slanderous blogs about Teal. Also, I will be happy to debate publicly over Skype with Sarbdeep with a neutral moderator to work out these issues one for all if he is not afraid of it.

 

 

 

 

 

Beyond The Nithyananda Smoke

As many of you know, Teal recently received an attack from Indian devotees of Sri Nithyananda Swami claiming that Teal had taken The Completion Process and that it was a process that only he as a true enlightened master could receive directly from old Vedic tradition. They joined forces to leave a number of nasty reviews against Teal’s new book The Completion Process on Amazon.com which resulted in 55 “1 star” derogatory reviews.

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I received another message this morning.  A message from one of Teal’s devoted fans with whom I had a couple of exchanges in the past.  She shared with me that she was deeply troubled and confused about the claim of plagiarism. She was so distressed that she was ready to throw the baby out with the bathwater and disregard everything she had learned from Teal so far and the positive changes that came to her life as a result. Most people have a tendency to believe what is said as long as it is repeated enough times. This is why defamation is so unfortunately effective. This is also the principle of marketing, and why companies or politicians spend billions of dollars in advertising. Rarely does a human being use his logical mind and reason to evaluate the veracity of a statement. His notion of truth is simply based on the fact that he hears the same message from multiple sources, especially if these sources are “trusted”.  He will consider them as truth. It is not about what you say, but how often you will hear it and from how many people. This is how people came to believe at one time that cow’s milk was good for children’s development or that red meat is required for a balanced nutrition or that Coke is a healthy drink which boosts your energy and attractiveness or that Trump will make America great again.

Also, even the people who do not adhere to herd mentality rarely have the time to evaluate facts and figure out for themselves if they can believe or disregard a defamatory statement. They will follow the old adage stating “There is no smoke without fire” and the defamed person’s reputation will be unfairly irremediably stained.

I decided to take the time today to objectively investigate the claims made by Sri Nithyananda Swami devotees and see if it has any ground so that I can at least share my findings with those of you who don’t have the time to research if something is true of not.

Sri Nithyananda Swami is a self-proclaimed enlightened Indian Guru. His name means literally: “Your Highness Bliss & Joy Always Eternally Yogi Master”. The short trailer on his Facebook page shows that he does not doubt for a second the pompous name he gave himself.  Neither Teal nor I even heard of him prior to the attacks, which is an unfortunate way to become acquainted with a fellow spiritual teacher.

If you look at his official website, he claims to have 1000 centers in 150 countries and 10 million followers.

Let’s first evaluate his claims objectively by comparing him to Teal. Teal has about 320,000 followers on her YouTube channel today, however we could limit the title “follower” to the Teal Tribe that has about 15,000 members or the number of followers on her FaceBook page which is 74,000 (while Nithyananda has 7,855 followers on FaceBook). To keep it simple, let’s take a gross average and assume that Teal has 100,000 followers today for the purpose of our analysis which according Nithyananda would be about the hundredth of the size of his following.

If we go on Alexa to compare the web traffic of Teal and Nithyananda, Teal’s ranks 156,000 globally whereas Nithyananda is ranked 878,000 far behind her. Interesting… Nithyananda’s following is 100 times larger than Teal but his website has far less traffic.

Nithyananda claims also on his website that he is the most watched spiritual teacher on YouTube today – Over 3000 hours of discourses on topics ranging from life solutions to enlightenment, with viewers from 150 countries

Actually, Nithyananda total views on his YouTube channel is 24 million views compared to Teal’s 35 million views while he has over 4,300 videos compared to Teal’s 300. On average, every one of his videos is watched about 5,000 times while Teal’s 115,000 times so Teal can now claim that her videos are watched on average 23 times more than the most watched spiritual teacher on YouTube today. How about that for marketing!  😉

Following these metrics, we can deduct that Nithyananda’s following is about 5,000 people and not 10 millions as he claims. This would imply that Nithyananda sees himself 2,000 times bigger than he actually is. How about that for an inflated ego?

If we go on his Amazon page, we will find 97 books from Nithyananda. Most of them are not really books but transcripts of some of his discourses. If you take the time to look at all of them, not a single one of his books is about The Completion Process that his followers believe he received from old vedic tradition.

After more research, I was able to find one of his videos dated July 25th, 2013 talking about his technique for Instant Completion. He actually never talked about a Completion Process. Completion is a very common term especially in terms of spirituality so attacking someone because they are using their healing modality called The Completion Process while you have called yours Instant Completion in one of your 4,300 videos is a bit far fetched. Nithyananda actually never did anything with this technique or marketed it separately. We did a Trademark search and it never showed up. Teal actually developed the completion process back in 2009.  So even the dates do not match when he states he developed this process before her.

Let’s now give a closer look to see if Nithyananda and Teal’s processes are similar.

Nithyananda starts with a very compelling marketing claim about his process to his followers: “If you listen intensely, end of the satsangh you will be complete.”

Well, this looks way more attractive than Teal’s Completion Process 🙂

With his great teaching, there is no need to experience the discomfort of diving into your trigger and re-experiencing and releasing the pain of your childhood. You just need to listen to Swami and you will be complete!

If you are smart or patient enough to read through the gibberish of Nithyananda, he describes Completion with his charming Indian accent as the following:

  • Having best inner image;
  • Having best outer image;
  • Having best idea about others and life; and
  • Being very sincere about what others hold you for.

And, if you are at the peak and best of all these four, you are living in a state of completion.

He goes on by describing his process as defining what you want for you, what you want to project as you, what you want to carry, how you want to hold yourself up to that. He then asked the devotees to make a clear description, and write down all the obstructions and obstacles. He defined those obstacles, those obstructions, as incompletions.

This seems very theoretical to me as he does not explain any step on how to deal with the obstructions.

Anyone that has read Teal’s book will see that there is not even a remote connection between her Completion Process and Nithyananda’s Process for Instant Completion which seems more like hocus pocus.

While the notion of soul retrieval is nothing new, as shamans and various healers of many spiritual traditions have been practicing it since the beginning of humanity, Teal’s approach is unique as it makes it more accessible to everyone as it is based on using the guidance and the wisdom of our own body to start the process and bring back the lost parts of ourselves. This is very liberating as now individuals can accomplish healing without the need of a Guru, expensive treatments or intricate rituals. The 18 steps of her process are very well defined and not theoretical so that even novices can feel supported and make progress on their healing journey.

While people can certainly use certified practitioners of the completion process to have a container and receive loving support, this is not required. Her vision in creating her process, which is the direct result of her own experiences, was to democratize healing because unfortunately most of the people suffering from mental illness today do not have the financial means to hire a skilled therapist, go to retreats or even have time for deep introspection.

As Teal’s partner, I have facilitated this process on her many times and I know she has been using variations of it on herself over the past 10 years.  Years where she was faced with healing one of the most traumatic childhood experiences that anyone can face. Her story is a living example that one can heal from trauma. On the opposite, Nithyananda’s life does not seem to be congruent with his high teaching, and I will address this more specifically later in the blog.

Nithyananda finishes his sermon on a completely different topic while still using the term Completion.

“Understand, I am giving you some of the deepest, sacred secrets. Even if you understand your cognition can be changed, for example, you are seeing this pillar as a pillar. Today if I declare this as God and start worshipping it within ten days you will see this as God. Your cognition can be changed. If I declare this pillar as a demon, in few days you will see demon in it. Your cognition can be changed. […] With this, with the understanding cognition can be changed, start living and thinking. Your very thinking will be completion. This is the science of spontaneous completion, instant completion.”

He is basically talking about the power of belief. I suppose he is getting ready to attack Tony Robbins and other motivational speakers next for talking about this concept of belief creating reality as only he comes from a pure Vedic tradition and therefore only he can receive this esoteric knowledge 🙂

To Nithyananda’s credit, he can definitely be a good teacher of the power of belief. He brought so much certainty to the belief of himself being a great enlightened Guru that he managed to create a collective reality with a couple thousand followers subscribing to his phantasmagoria.

As often in cults, the attacks do not originate directly from the Guru, he typically uses some of his devotees to do the dirty work. I found that most of the attacks came from 3 of his most ardent followers looking for favors and attention from their beloved Guru.

screen-shot-2016-09-10-at-2-47-56-pmAll three in their thirties, they were renamed so that their name would carry both the terms “Nithya” and “Ananda” as allegiance to their Master. Two are Caucasians and the third one is Indian [this is incorrect, she is in fact Canadian raised as a Catholic which explains why she speaks so well English] and has her own YouTube channel. She described herself as a monastic Hindu of the Nithyananda Order, committed to the spiritual awakening of humanity!  In my opinion, spiritual awakening rarely looks like publishing multiple videos AGAINST someone else and asking her following directly to take action to destroy them.

Ironically, she is the same age as Teal (about 6 months younger), has her own YouTube channel with 163 videos and 44,000 subscribers that she started 10 months after Teal. She is good-looking, articulate (her English is in fact much better than her Guru) and she shares many of the same interests as Teal (veganism, love for animals, artistic, etc…).

Typically, each one of her videos are watched 5,000 times.  However, her video attacking Teal Swan had 50,000 views.  What does this teach us?  When someone is starved for attention, they will do anything to get it, even if they have to get it by disparaging another more popular teacher to get it.  Hate and controversy gets you lots of views.  Her obsession about Teal seems to be driven by envy. Instead of using Teal as an inspiration for her career, Teal represents what she has failed to achieve. It is a great temptation for someone that does not like what they see in the mirror to break the mirror rather than being introspective.

Unfortunately, it is likely that this attractive and intelligent young devotee did not leave Nithyananda indifferent as there are hundreds of articles on the Internet about his voracious sexual appetite for his admirers

I am not sure if this is sad, terrifying or funny, but Nithyananda actually makes all of his volunteers sign a sex contract before they can work in his organization.

On page 9 of this confidentiality agreement, it reads: “Volunteer understands that the Program may involve the learning and practice of ancient tantric secrets associated with male and female ecstasy, including the use of sexual energy for increased intimacy/spiritual connection, pleasure, harmony, and freedom. Volunteer understands that these activities could be physically and mentally challenging, and may involve nudity, access to visual images, graphic visual depictions, and descriptions of nudity and sexual activity, close physical proximity and intimacy, verbal and written descriptions and audio sounds of a sexually oriented, and erotic nature, etc. By Reading and signing this addendum, Volunteer irrevocably acknowledges that he/she is voluntary giving his unconditional acceptance of such activities and discharges the Leader and the Foundation, and anyone else not specifically mentioned here but directly or indirectly involved in the organization, management, or conduct of any such programs from any liability, direct or indirect, arising from such activities.”

This is basically a cover up for the Swami’s sexual addiction that is in line with his megalomaniac tendencies.

Unfortunately, India is plagued with these false prophets that believe they are God incarnated. They abuse their power over their gullible followers to exploit them both financially and sexually. Spiritual cult brainwashing is a much more complex topic that one may initially think and may be the topic for a future blog.

Along the same lines, Sathya Sai Baba was a very influential recent Guru. He had the same tendencies and dysfunctions than Nithyananda but unfortunately with much larger impact to become one of the biggest pedophile of our times. I recommend to watch the BBC video produced in 2004 called The Secret Swami Satya Sai Baba to increase your understanding on this matter.

Let’s use our mind and power of discrimination to find truth instead of brainlessly swallowing the noise of defamation. And yes, while there is no smoke without fire, the fire is often only the envy, jealousy, anger or hatred of an individual that is being targeted.

 

 

Healing The Un-Healable

Teal woke me up at dawn this morning. She felt extremely dizzy. I walked her to the bathroom, as she could not do it herself. I re-assured her, held her tight and got one more hour of rest. Still in my arms, I asked her if she was feeling better. She replied that she had not slept and had been doing mental & emotional exercises to counteract the dizziness. I thought she might have BPPD (Benign Paroxysmal Positional Vertigo), a condition I suffered a couple of years ago. I started to apply the Apley maneuver on her.

Blake walked into the room and wondered what I was doing with her. He has gotten used to non-normality having lived with Teal for thirteen years. He inquired about her condition with genuine care. He had come into the room to go over the last actions on the agenda today for helping Teal make the New-York Times Best Seller list with her new book “The Completion Process”. But she was not in the condition to talk about the plans. By a lucky twist of fate, one of our community members stopped by the house and came up into our bedroom to say hello. As a victim of ritual abuse too, she realized that Teal’s dizziness was most likely not a physical condition as I had suspected but was instead a symptom of a trigger. Some cults use a variety of programs to confuse, disorganize or block the memories so that the victim cannot speak about the abuse or often even remember it.   These programs are called “scrambler programs”. Teal has unraveled several of these programs within herself over the last 10 years. We collectively decided that Teal should do The Completion Process by going into the dizziness instead of trying to take action to make the dizziness go away. But today was Mark’s birthday (Teal’s ex husband and the father of her son). So the community had several birthday activities planned. We made the decision that Teal and I should stay behind to do this important healing work and meet up with them later.

I locked the door to ensure that our process would not be interrupted. Before starting, I asked Teal if anything happened that could have created the dizziness. She remembered she had a small panic attack last night. Before going to sleep, she went to check on Winter (her son). But she could not find him in his bedroom. She went to Blake’s room and other parts of the house and eventually came to me out of breath and full of terror, saying that she could not find Winter anywhere. I went to his room that had been transformed in a fortress over the weekend. After scouring the fort, I found him. He had made his way up on top of the fort and was sleeping in peace out of view. Because of his position and the blanket fortress, it was impossible to see him from the entrance of his bedroom or from inside the fort. Teal could breath again. But the emotional damage had been done. Unfortunately, we went to bed immediately after the incident without working through any of the terror she had felt thinking that he had been abducted.

I started to guide her into the Completion Process. The first step is to get in touch with the body sensations and the feeling that pertains to the trigger, dizziness in her case. She felt her heart being torn. She was frozen and in a state of shock. She started to get the intense smell of dial soap so she dived deeper into this smell, understanding that it was part of the traumatic memory that was linked to the trigger.

Teal, 11 at the time, found herself in the basement of the mortuary where Doc’s friend worked. The man was washing the body of an older woman who was there to be prepared for a funeral with Dial soap. Teal expressed her distress at remembering the absence of bleeding, which she explained is characteristic of corpses. Doc and the mortician had put her into a plastic basin of icy water from her necks to her knees. They had waited for her to stop shivering and then Doc and the mortician spun her in circles to the right until she was so dizzy that she was falling over. Doc and the mortician were programming her so that she would forget what she had seen just hours earlier that day. I asked her to rewind back to see what had happened before she was brought to the mortuary. She saw a hand. It was a child’s hand coming out of a wooden storage crate. The memory started to unfold.

It was 1995. Teal’s mother had wrapped up cold boiled corn in a plastic bag and sent her with Doc on veterinary rounds. Teal’s parents mistakenly considered him a family friend and a mentor for Teal’s unusual extrasensory abilities at the time. He drove Teal to a dairy farm. It was the most dilapidated dairy farm they visited on rounds. The conditions were ghastly. Doc had been called to put a cow to sleep that was infected with listeria. It is a disease that makes cows turn around in circles until they cannot move anymore. Teal stood in the manure, frozen as usual, when a man came out of the farm brick house looking upset and preoccupied. He went over to speak with Doc in private at a distance in the paddock. Doc became visibly upset as well and waved for Teal to come right away.

Doc started driving in a rush with his truck. When Teal asked where they were going, he hit her very hard and angrily on the head with his fist. Her vision went black as a result. She pretended she had been knocked out to avoid further beating. After a while, he pulled into the driveway of a red brick house. Doc was so disconnected and caught up in his own thoughts that he did not acknowledge Teal. He focused his attention on a distressed man coming out of the house. Teal assumed that he had an emergency problem with an animal of some kind and had called Doc for this reason. She recognized the man as a newer cult member. He had attended a ceremony Teal was taken to previously. Doc acted suspicious as he took Teal to the right side of the house to a side entrance. It was as if he did not want the neighbors to notice them.

They went down into a cellar that was loosely attached to the main house. It was full of old rusted farm tools and some storage food. In the right corner of the cellar, there was a rectangular cement pit with a huge wooden shipping crate laid over the top of it. Teal went into shock when she saw the tiny hand of a little girl trying to reach out through the slits of the crate. She was crying and begging to be let out. She would stop for minutes at a time then start crying again and reach out through the slits. The man who owned the house was sweating. He was telling Doc that he wanted to drop her off where he had found her, like nothing happened. He had abducted her in order to be elevated in the cult ranks by offering her in sacrifice for the upcoming September 21st equinox ceremony. He was expected to keep her during that time but the despair and angst of the innocent victim that was probably only 6 had started to shake the little bit of conscience that was left in him. He was panicking and wanted to take it back. He was not yet a full-blown psychopath like Doc that had lost any capacity for feeling. Doc had been sent by the other cult members to survey and “cleanup the mess” this man had created.

Doc explained to the man that he had to keep the little girl until the next ritual or kill her and that he could not bring her back under any circumstances, as it would put him as well as the cult at risk. Their discussion continued for a while and during that time, they were fully oblivious to Teal. Doc became impatient and fed up with the man’s weakness and indecision so he took the matter into his own hands. He charged into the house and took the man with him. Teal had sat down in the cellar and was staring at this little hand in complete terror. She was mentally running through scenarios about letting her out and escaping with her. She was unsure if she could move the crate. Lost in thought, she mentally ran through all the potential consequences of making an escape with the girl.  But Doc interrupted her frantic thinking when he stormed in carrying a huge pot of boiling water. He dumped it onto the little girl through the crate. The little girl was screaming and crying. He reached back to take a second pot of boiling water from the man, and dumped it on her again. Her screams and cries came to a brutal stop. The other man then dumped a third pot of boiling water over the silence of the pit.

Teal was stuck in a state of shock, witnessing the murder of this little girl. Teal had covered her eyes and cried into her palms. She was in fact doing the very same thing in real time as the result of the integration of this memory. It was really hard to watch her cry so hard. It was tempting to pull her out of the memory. But, knowing how this deep resolution work functions, I decided to let her continue with the memory.

Still unconcerned with Teal, the two men pulled the crate up and let it fall to the side. Teal saw a little Caucasian girl with brown hair, drenched and with red and white splotches all over her body because of the burning water. Doc pulled her out and to the side of the house into the daylight. He ordered the man to get him some twine. The man came back with some orange bailing twine, which Doc wrapped around her neck three times as if he was calf roping the girl. He held it tight with enough force to break her neck. He had strangled her to be sure she was dead. Then he covered her in a brown sheet, carried her to the back of his veterinary trailer and shut the door. He said something to the man at a distance. The man seemed ashamed and conflicted but relieved. Doc then grabbed Teal by her arm and led her forcefully to the truck. They drove together to the mortuary where his cult friend was working. Doc took Teal and the corpse of the little girl into the bottom floor of the mortuary where the embalming took place. Teal was numb with shock when she entered and they walked in on the mortician cleaning the corpse of the old lady with Dial soap. When the mortician heard the whole story from Doc, he shook his head in disgrace knowing that he would have to cremate the body of the little girl to cover up the murder so nothing would be traced back to the cult group.

When they were done talking, the two men turned their attention back to Teal. They had decided to try to implant a scrambler program to try to cover up what Teal had experienced and seen that day. They put her into a basin filled with icy water and threatened that if she told anyone what happened, they would end up opening her up like the old lady on the metal table. Doc injected something with a needle into the back of her neck to sedate her.   They spun her in circles to make her so dizzy that her nervous system would shut down. They laid her on the floor and had her repeat to herself over and over again ”I remember nothing, everything is black”. They were creating a scrambler program. Doc stuck her arm with another needle and within a matter of seconds, Teal felt herself dissolve into peaceful darkness. When she opened her eyes again, she felt still very dizzy and sick. Doc had driven her back home to the end of her driveway. He told her that she had passed out at the dairy farm and he brought her home because she was probably sick. When he brought Teal back to her parents, he told them that he thought she was coming down with the flu. Her mom responded “You look pale, Sis!” and told her to go get into bed. Her mom brought her some Canada Dry Ginger Ale to help her feel better. In reality, Teal was in shock and coming out of forced drug sedation.

As Teal was re-experiencing the memory, I followed the Completion Process steps and supported her throughout the horror. I asked her gently to bring her adult perspective to the scene in order to re-create the past. She imagined that the adult self had called the police and fifteen police cars had stormed to the house, saving the little girl from a tragic death. The two men were arrested. For the first time in her life, Teal said she felt reassured to see the police. She imagined her parents being called by the police and being brought to the scene and being told about what had really been going on between Doc and her for the past 5 years. Competent therapists came to take care of Teal, the little girl and her parents. She imagined her parents moving away to a monastery with Teal and her brother to heal. She then imagined that I brought her into her safe haven. We put the transformed memory into a balloon and she popped it with a needle. Using visual techniques, we purified the eleven-year old Teal in the river there. She felt like cutting her hair so that none of this experience would be left in her body. So we brought a wise shaman woman and she created a ritual to complete her purification. Her head was shaved and they let her hair flow downriver. Her traumatized child self refused to merge back with the adult perspective but instead wanted to be held lovingly and to fall asleep that way, surrounded in downy white blankets. Teal then came back to her conscious perspective.

I can see clearly now how the panic of her son missing the previous night and the corn on the cob we bought and boiled to eat the night before had created the perfect trigger storm for Teal. This is what life is like for people who are forced to live life with Complex PTSD.

When we were talking today together in a salt bath that I put her in to diffuse some of the emotional residue, Teal expressed that from her perspective, this little girl was “lucky” to die and not to survive this trauma like she had to. I understood this perspective. I was reminded of a movie that I watched recently. The movie is called “Room”. What makes this movie unique is that it shows the aftermath of trauma. It shows how trauma leaves the victim isolated in their own torment, unable to connect with an external world that cannot see or understand them. I could see how a “reset” would feel much better than years worth of trying to heal what feels un-healable. I gently reminded her that though the last ten percent of healing seem to be the hardest, she has already done ninety percent of the healing. And I reminded her that millions of people are looking to her for the courage to believe that the worst ordeals may be healed and transformed into something beautiful.

While she still feels very vulnerable after coming out of the integration process of this triggered memory, her dizziness is gone and we were able to celebrate Mark’s birthday with the rest of the community in the beautiful city park. Most people could not survive what Teal has survived, much less end up as functional as she is in spite of it all. But some part of me wishes that anyone who doubts her history would be forced to come live with her for a month to see firsthand what she has to grapple with every day in the aftermath of such unspeakable trauma. It is not for the faint of heart. I feel extremely fortunate to share in the life of this extraordinary woman and to share her journey of healing. Every day I am fortunate enough to witness a remarkable soul diving into the darkest aspects of human consciousness and finding her way back home. And leading everyone else back home in the process.

Life With The Spiritual Catalyst

I had planned to go skiing that weekend. Teal and I love to ski together and to be frank; there are not too many fun options for things to do besides skiing in Park City in the wintertime. That morning, quite out of character, Teal did not really act excited about it. I am a very flexible person, until I have a plan at which point I become unyielding. We were running late because I had a couple of unexpected and expected calls. The last one was a Skype with my children in the office. Blake happened to be in the room.

When Blake Came to San Francisco to help me move to Utah, he actually met my children. They liked each other enough to play together while he was there and so, I figured they might want to say hi to him over Skype. So I say “Guess who is here with me?” They instantly freaked out and with wide eyes, started to look for the fastest way to escape from in front of the computer screen. They began saying “oh no, no, no”, terrorized that it may be Teal I was going to show them over the Skype screen. When they saw Blake instead, they were relieved. Though my children have never met Teal in person or online (and now, as a result of the mayhem of the last court case, it is illegal for me to introduce them to each other), my ex wife has shared with them the negative web content created by Teal’s haters. Teal has been portrayed as an evil witch who seduced and brain washed me away from their mum.

The problem with being in a relationship with an extrasensory is that it is nearly impossible to shield them. Teal felt what had occurred in the office from the kitchen and was affected by it. When you see Teal on stage, she appears to be this powerful confident spiritual teacher that lives in her bliss all day long, above all human struggles. People do not realize how much she is affected by other people’s opinions about her. She came to this world completely open, without filters. This is great when it comes to perceiving subtle dimensions. However, it is very painful when people in the physical dimension project hatred towards her.

My personal situation is especially hard for her because my children have been taught to hate her. She feels trapped by the situation often. So, as a result of the discord on this particular day, she was upset and quickly went upstairs. Graciela (who is the most attuned to Teal) had a feeling that something may be wrong. I quickly went upstairs to find that Teal had fainted in the meditation room. I took her in my arms. I was not overly worried, because I was familiar with this type of situation. She opened her eyes and I realized that she was in the midst of another spontaneous channeling. My principal guide, Ezekiel had come to visit. I asked him questions about some of the challenges that I am faced with in my life. At a certain point in the channeling, Ezekiel told me that I was a match to a ski accident and that he had to come through to ensure we would not go skiing on that day. He informed me that I had missed all the signs presented to me that morning that were meant to send me the message to change my plans. And so is life with my beloved Teal J

I created a post recently on Teal Tribe to see if anyone was interested to know about Teal and her personal life from someone who shares the most intimacy and time with her. The response was overwhelming as so many people are curious to know more about “The Spiritual Catalyst”. Teal is not an ordinary woman by any means and this is why she is so fascinating and generates so much passion around her, both positive and negative. People just cannot wrap their head around this extraordinary woman. As a result, some have a tendency to idolize her to the point of making her the new messiah while other dedicate their lives to destroy her reputation and pollute her life thinking she is the devil incarnated. While Teal is a complex woman, it is not impossible to understand who she is and have a balanced attitude towards her. This is one of my goals for this blog and I hope to make it interesting, entertaining and thought provoking. Of course, this will be a summary of my observations, insights and thoughts corresponding to my present understanding. I do not pretend to hold the truth but I commit to the readers to be as authentic and sincere as possible. I have a pretty intense work schedule so I would like to apologize in advance for my infrequent blog activity in advance.

Authenticity is not new to me. I fully agree with Wayne Dyer’s statement “There is always a spiritual answer to any of life’s challenges”. Since my early twenties, I have gained a lot by openly sharing my struggles with people as it helped me to see my own reflection. Again and again I have experienced it guiding me to peace, clarity or a course of action towards resolution. Also, openly sharing my own struggles and the wisdom coming from these challenges have helped many of my friends in their own journey.

Authenticity is the key common value of Teal Tribers. I was able to witness it when I created the Silicon Valley Teal Tribe 18 months ago (Julia and Diane have since taken it over since my departure to Utah). After a couple of months, I witnessed some incredibly strong connections developing between members. Some have even formed deeper bonds than they have with their own family connections. Under the guidance of Teal’s completion process, they felt safe to share their deepest fears, traumas and struggles and I observed some remarkable healing as a result. For the longest time in our spiritual development, the path of awakening is not about phenomenal activities but straightforward emotional healing, and authenticity is a critical part of this process. As long as we continue to identify with our masks and hide who we truly are, our growth will be greatly reduced. In the same way that darkness is the absence of light, our tendency to manipulate, hide our struggles or keep our flaws secret, our ego becomes rigid and prevents the light of consciousness from transforming our being.

Take a deep breath, close your eyes, and imagine a world fully committed to authenticity. It would change everything. How would politics, economics, education, family structures, agriculture, the justice system, health care and the corporate world affected by authenticity. I will let you ponder on this. This blog is my personal and humble attempt to contribute to this movement.

As I reviewed everyone’s questions, I was able to combine readers’ interest into multiple categories:

  1. Teal’s struggles
  2. Teal’s parenting with her son, Winter
  3. Living in Teal’s intentional community
  4. Details about Teal’s healthy lifestyle
  5. Love, Sex & Intimate Relationship
  6. Life with an extra-sensory
  7. Window into our daily life

When I am able to find some spare time, I will make each topic its own blog and by doing so, I will help to demystify The Spiritual Catalyst. Through this process, I hope that you will find the real Teal Swan even more relatable, understandable, lovable, adorable, powerful, endearing and likeable than the one you know from the videos and blogs. This has been my personal experience as my love keeps growing as I get to better know this multi-dimensional phenomenal woman everyday. I feel so blessed to share my life with Teal every day. A fan told me once that I was the luckiest bastard on this planet and in my opinion, he is completely right. I know that she does not belong only to me but she belongs to all of you too. This blog is an attempt to share her with you and through this process bring you courage, healing, guidance, peace and inner growth.

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Coming Out…

It is Easter day March 27th, 2016. Mark, Teal’s son’s father and I are holding Winter’s hands as we walk.  Together we are swinging him forward with each step between us. He enjoys it.  He keeps asking us to do it over and over again. Teal is on my right, Blake, Gabija and Graciela are just behind as we begin a small hike behind the house in the Utah wilderness. Easter egg hunting is a tradition that Teal started with the intentional community years ago.  As I observe Winter’s joy and feel the mutual appreciation between Mark and I, I get a pinching sensation in my heart. My children seem so far away. I miss them and wonder why we are prevented to share the love we have for each other. I am starting to wonder what it would take for my ex wife, our children, Teal and I to do a hike together and enjoy each other’s company like this. Considering the present situation, landing on Mars seems like an easier endeavor. I am however a man of faith and it would not be the first time in my life that I have beaten the odds.

My parents divorced when I was 10. My mother left us to be with the man of her life whom she is still married to today.  I was left with my dad who quickly remarried as well. My stepmom felt threatened that my father had children from a previous marriage.  She saw my sister and I as competition.  Already crushed that my mum had abandoned me (as I had made it mean that there was something wrong with me), I knew intuitively that I could not afford another abandonment. My sister and I were not very easy to connect with at the time because of the trauma of the divorce, but my stepmother’s own insecurities were triggered by our presence so she did everything she could to ensure that we would be sent back to our mum at the beginning of the next school year. At times, she would create painful situations for me and my sister, only to turn it around to prove our father that we were treating her badly and get us punished for it.

Once when I was 11, we were in the woods with our dad and he suggested that we should pick our new step mom wildflowers.  His idea was that this would help everyone to get along and warm up to each other.  When we brought them home and handed them to my new stepmother, she took them and with exasperation, put them straight in the trash.  I was in shock.  It felt like I opened myself up to her and tried to please my father, only to have my heart ripped out for it.  I felt like those flowers were me.  I was to be disposed of.  That is how it continued to feel for the rest of my life.

My step mom also made my mum the enemy.  She quickly became pregnant to take full ownership of my father and took us out of the picture of their life. My father gave up on us without really ever disappearing.  As we now lived in a different part of France with our mom again, he would visit only twice a year. He would be shunned by my stepmother for weeks before and after each visit. We felt the heaviness of his heart during his visits and as a result, his visits often made us feel worse instead of better.

I realized later in life that when my father sent us back to my mother, I experienced even more trauma on top of my mother leaving in the beginning. It was a double abandonment.  I had failed to keep my father after I had lost my mother. And I had failed because I could not make his new wife happy. Deep in my subconscious mind, I had to prove I could get my daddy back by making my stepmom happy.

When I was 26, I met my ex wife and I quickly fell in love. Little did I realize at that time that I was in fact marrying my stepmom.  It was a love reincarnation created to try to heal my childhood relationship to my step mom.  They were both Aries, organized, responsible, emotionally unavailable, judgmental, black-and-white thinkers, private, hard working, Tiger Moms and inflexible with borderline, narcissistic traits and social anxiety. I was a match to her as I was co-dependent with the desperate craving to be needed and to belong.  I was struggling with self-worth and abandonment issues.

From the outside, we seemed to have a good life. We were both successful Silicon Valley professionals with great kids. We had a nice house, we took fun and exotic vacations and our lives were rich with activities. Our relationship however was rocky from the very start. We had some good times and we had a number of crises over the years as many couples with only moderate compatibility and a codependent/narcissist pattern do. I always did what I had to do to keep the marriage together as I had promised myself that my children should never experience the trauma of divorce that I experienced as a child.  To me, the idea of them suffering like I did because of divorce, was non negotiable.  I told myself, I had to at least make it work with my ex wife until they went off to college.

Over the last two years of our marriage, I became more and more aware of my longing for a spiritual, introspective woman with whom I could fully experience intimacy.  I have been a very spiritual person since my first awakening at age 19.  My ex wife detested spirituality.  She thinks it is only for hippies with no sense of reality. I also started to loosen up to the idea of my own personal happiness and that it may be even better for the children to have separated happy parents rather than miserable married ones. Exactly 15 years after our initial meeting, my ex and I mutually agreed to separate.

After we agreed to separate, for the folowing two days, I was surprised to see that I was overjoyed about this decision.  I felt a brand new life full of promise. It was quickly followed by a small period of depression as I was taken by the fear of the future. I moved into a small apartment right next to my ex in-laws.  I let myself go through all the emotions of grief and within one month, I felt healed and ready to move on with my new life.  I felt resolved, as I had fully realized the potential of that relationship.  I had no resentment; I had moved on and wanted to do the best for the children during that transition. I had prepared a script and my ex and I did a good job announcing the separation to the children. The four of us cried together on the coach and we made them feel that the separation had nothing to do with them and that we loved them very much. During that time, I took my mother in law and my ex grandmother to a wedding out-of-state. We kept a family vacation that was already booked together to New-York, Philadelphia and Washington DC and I celebrated my ex’s birthday with the children there.  There was some tension especially as we started discussing the financial aspects of the divorce but it was manageable. I could spend time with children when I wanted to and communication was relatively functional.

However, all of this changed when I told my ex during a therapy session six months after our separation that I was starting to date Teal.  At that point, all hell broke loose and very traumatic events started to unfold. It was as if the new relationship triggered her to wage war.  We have been lost in that war for 9 months. It has been the biggest source of stress for Teal and I, but it has been the greatest source of our expansion too and I thought I would share with you the biggest lessons I have learned throughout it.  I am going to spare many of the individual incidents of abuse that have occurred towards Teal and myself since this war was declared, rather I will provide an overview of what has occurred.

Man’s law is not fair; the law of attraction is fair

I managed to negotiate a court order with a detailed custody agreement that allowed me to see the kids one week a month in California and for the kids to vacation with us at our Park City home. This agreement was violated from the start by my ex.  I would make a reservation in a farm in Santa Cruz or plan a ski trip to make it fun for them and she would tell me at the last minute that kids were not ready to spend time with me.  After repeated offenses, I filed for contempt of the court to enforce my custody rights.  Her response was to file a Child Protective Services report against me while I had not seen the children for a month. At the court hearing, she brought forth some slanderous content about Teal that she had found on the Internet and managed to convince the emergency screener that Teal is a dangerous cult leader and should not have any contact with the children. The children were also well rehearsed.  They have never met Teal, but expressed their terror to be around Teal.  This activated fear in the emergency screener who could not see the actual dynamic that was going on.  As such, the court made a ruling based on the flawed idea that Teal’s social media following equated to a cult leader’s following.  And further, that my children were to have no contact with Teal or anything associated with her.  Also, the temporary order stated that I had to return the children anytime they would request to be with their mother.  What this means when children are alienated from their father and completely under the control of their mother for the sake of their own survival, is losing all custody of the children. This was devastating, however looking back at it with some detachment, this event was co-created as a reflection of my fear of being blamed for things I did not do, and the ostracism Teal experienced in her family and rural community in early childhood.

Kids usually side with the emotionally abusive parent

It is a counter intuitive fact however it makes sense in many ways. Kids are focused on self-preservation and they do not want to be on the side of the emotionally abusive parent’s wrath especially as they witness the other parent’s demolition. They also understand that there will be little consequence for rejecting the non-abusive parent so the choice is easily made. There is a particularly destructive behavior called emotional parentification for children involved in parental alienation cases. The custodial parent implicitly or explicitly dumps their emotional needs on the child. The child becomes the parent’s confidante, champion/hero and surrogate for an adult partner. This is extremely unhealthy as it robs children of their childhood and leads to difficulty in having normal adult relationships later in life. In my situation, my son took the role of the man of the family (replacing me) and my daughter as the protector of her mother, both taking a weight far too heavy for their small shoulders.

Children are treated simultaneously both as irresponsible minors and responsible adults in case of parental alienation

My children were 9 and 11 when we finalized the custody rights. They were not consulted in the process, as the court would typically only consider the minor’s opinion after they are 14 years old.  As it is usually done, my ex and I signed the initial custody agreement without consulting them. Therapists on the other hand spent more time trying to understand the wishes and desires of the children. However, they often overlook the influence exerted by the parents. In our last court hearing, despite their young age, the wishes of the children were taken very seriously without the court realizing that they were in fact well rehearsed before appearing in court. At the beginning, I fought hard to spend time with my children and took the way that they would abuse me during visits with the understanding that these emotions were not theirs but only a transfer of my ex’s anger and grief. However, I began to realize that whether or not my ex influenced their emotions, they still experience those emotions as theirs and as such, I need to respect them. If they do not want to spend time with me, there is no point in forcing them as it would both traumatize them and just feed my ex’s game in alienating me further. For effective reconnection, you must either acquire the support from your ex or wait until your children have a genuine desire to reconnect with you. As sad and powerless as it may seem, this is the reality that needs to be accepted.

Custody battles are corrosive for your relationship

I am very lucky to share my life with a very conscious woman and despite this fact, this situation has been the biggest source of tension between myself and Teal. Fortunately, all the tension in our relationship has come from external events as we treasure every minute we spend together. No woman wants to see her life continuously polluted by your ex’s latest flare and it is also difficult to accept that there is a bond with another woman that because of children can never be undone. But when the ex directly attacks the new partner, joins her hate group and disparages her in court by getting a temporary order stating that she is a dangerous cult leader, this struggle takes on a whole different magnitude. When the children of the man you love have been programmed to hate you and make you the scapegoat of their distress, it is no longer a normal joined-family situation. Compound it now with Teal’s posttraumatic stress, history of abuse, separation anxiety, ostracism trauma and extraordinary sensitivity and you can better understand why this situation has become hellish for Teal. I pray to the universe everyday that she is able to sustain this pressure and still loves me and wants to share our lives together despite all this torment. At this point, my ex is nothing short of obsessed with making my life miserable. So it is critical to put buffers between myself and her, ensuring that therapists are involved in our communications to avoid escalation and the abuse that are so common in codependent relationships like ours.

Should children always be the priority?

In high conflict divorces, therapists and court personnel are trained to put the interest of the children first, far before the parents’ personal desires and wishes. While this makes sense at first glance because children are defenseless, and the conflict is so damaging to children, it is not a completely wise idea.  It requires all adults to self sacrifice for the sake of their children and this leads to intense levels of resentment. On my side, I have had multiple therapists discourage me from introducing the children to Teal, telling me that I should take vacations alone with them and make no mention of Teal to them, that Teal is an adult and she should understand because kids should come first.

Teal is a very conscious woman and she has been incredibly supportive during this ordeal but it would not be self-loving to her to have a partner that is living a double life and making her a lesser priority. Because of her complex PTSD, Teal also suffers separation anxiety and my trips to California for business and to visit kids already brings her a lot of torment. I own a company and because of that, I work too much already.  Taking separate vacation time away from her with the children would put even more stress on the relationship that is my lifesaver today. Without her love and support, I am not sure I would be able to face all the current challenges in my life. The truth is that the children will not be ready to meet with Teal until my ex makes it OK for them to do so, or until they grow-up and develop more independence from my ex. By following the experts’ advice, I would quite literally stay at the mercy of my borderline narcissist ex, stay single and miserable to comfort her belief that I am doomed without her, and that I have destroyed her life by separating from her, regardless of whether the divorce was mutually agreed upon.

Unfortunately, my ex is using our children as cords to keep control over me and they are being damaged in the process.  As a result, there is a big temptation to just give up in order to protect the children from conflict.  Custody battles like the one that I am in, are like Solomon’s dilemma.

The story goes that 2 women in a village were fighting over a baby and both claimed that the baby was theirs.  So Solomon said, “I have a solution, I will simply cut the baby in half and you can each have a half.”  At that moment, one woman said yes, the other woman said no… the other woman can have the baby.  That is how he knew who the real mother was.  The parent, who is so identified with the child that she cannot put their best interest above her own, puts the other parent in the position to keep fighting and thus rip the children in half or let them have the kids so that the kids can stay intact.  This is the position I am in today.

It is tempting with what is going on to simply retreat away from the toxicity of my ex and focus on my new intimate relationship.  But then I am aware of the abandonment trauma it could create for the children. It is a loose loose situation. In the case of severe parental alienation, when it is impossible to get support from the custodial parent, I have learned it is best to be patient, stay present in the children by sending periodically messages of love and gifts with no expectation of reciprocation until they are ready to initiate contact on their own. Unfortunately, the reconnection can take many years if it ever happens.

Be true to your values

I have come to understand that no matter what I do today, I will be rejected by my children as they have accumulated a lot of grief through our high-conflict divorce as the unresolved emotions of my ex are being actively transferred to them. It is simply not realistic to expect a different outcome. From that perspective, it makes no sense to portray an attitude that would make you look good to external observers instead of acting out of personal integrity. Today, my life is with the woman I love and I see no reason to hide it or pretend that she does not exist.  My children need to understand that it is conditional love to demand to connect with me only if Teal is not in the picture.  Both Teal and I understand that we must be very careful how we introduce her into the children’s lives.  We planned not to do an introduction for six months.  When that time lapsed and it was time to introduce her, my ex did everything she could to prevent it.  Now, after 9 months my ex managed to get the court to make it impossible to introduce them.  Now, the therapists have been trying to avoid the topic on the false assumption that if I am able to reconnect effectively with the children, it would be easier then to introduce Teal to the family dynamics. What they fail to understand is that what the kids and my ex say and do in front of them is entirely different than what they say and do when they aren’t being watched by the specialists.  The children have made it explicitly clear without the specialists watching that they will not be OK with the introduction to Teal because my ex has made Teal the reason for the divorce and the reason they lost their father and the reason for all their mother’s pain.  It is not that they refuse to connect with me full stop.  It is that for the sake of their mother, they refuse to connect with me if Teal is in the picture.  They will not be ready to see Teal or accept her, until my ex is ready for them to see Teal and accept her.  And the reality is that my ex is unlikely to ever be ready for Teal to be in the picture.

It is hard for me to have hope in this respect as the divorce situation I was in as a kid was nowhere near as dramatic as the one my kids are in today.  My mother never prevented my step mom from seeing us or badmouthed her behind her back.  My mother posed no actual threat to my stepmother.  She was included in every family gathering and she was never prevented from joining my father on any of his visits to see us.  Still, it took twenty-five years for my stepmom to even agree to meet my mum, which ironically happened as a result of a huge fall out between my ex wife and my step mother.  It catalyzed a meeting between the two of them to share stories over their pain at having been alienated from my children’s lives by my ex wife.  My ex had decided years ago that she didn’t want my children to spend time around my French side of the family and as such, my children have not seen any of my family for years.

To be true, I just cannot put my life on hold for that long. I know so many people who would be ecstatic to include a stepmom like Teal, and rightly so as she is such a wise, fun and good hearted person. Unfortunately, she has been portrayed as an evil witch and my children are missing all the benefits of this connection in the meantime.

Internet research: the good, the bad and the ugly

As the court system and most of the therapists are behind the curve on knowledge about parental alienation, it has been a lifesaver to find content to help me make sense of my impossible situation. The Divorce Poison and Overcoming the Co-Parenting Trap have been good reads however the most valuable knowledge I have found has been produced by Dr Craig Childress as it fits my situation down to the smallest details. While knowledge does not immediately solve your ordeal, it makes it better to accept it, feel better about it and put together a plan towards resolution. Internet content includes some pitfalls too as it is always possible to find a perspective on the Internet to justify your own anger, vindictive impulses and your self-righteousness justification for fighting a good war.  As a consequence, there is a danger in isolating oneself and getting deeper into a revengeful vibration that only creates more pain and torment.

I was also surprised to find a lot of support groups for alienated men. Our society is patriarchal, meaning that women have little to no power in it.  So I understand why it is important for women to have control over some aspect of life.  The area where they have some control is over children.  They are still seen as the primary figure in a child’s lives.  The problem is that the justice system is biased towards mothers and against fathers before you even set foot in the courtroom.  It is hard to enforce your rights as a father.   You are made out to be a monster if you fight your spouse for your children and you are made out to be a monster if you give up and abandon your children.

I struggle to find the words to describe how I am feeling about the situation I find myself in, a situation that is worse than anything I could have pictured for the worst case scenario.  So there is only one way to end this first blog; with a message.  A message to my children, a message to my ex wife and to you wonderful Tealers.

A Message To My Children

I think of you and miss you every day. When I think of the possibility for us to have the same connection that we enjoyed before the divorce, I have naïve tears in my eyes.  I am repressing them so as to not keep my hopes too high. Not matter what you are and what you do, I will always be there for both of you. I see and feel your pain, and I am sorry for it. I have made mistakes along the way but I can promise you that I have never given up on you and every day you are at the center of my focus to bring resolution to my conflict with your mum so that we can be all happy again together within this new separated family structure. You have all the reasons in the world to feel the way you feel and I want to work things out with you. I crave to be close to both of you again, laugh and enjoy life. When you are ready, I would like you to give a chance to Teal. She is a wonderful woman, you would enjoy talking to her and you could learn so much from her. You, my daughter could relate together through your common passion about horses, fashion and arts & crafts. You, my son would enjoy skiing with her and sharing your mutual excitement for dance.  I love you now and forever.

A Message To My Ex

I know a lot has been done, said and it is hard to forgive. We have been told time and times again that our conflict is what is damaging our children. By healing our relationship, we are healing our children. By giving up on winning against each other, our children win.  I have my flaws and you have your flaws. We can continue to manipulate our world to make ourselves look like the good guy and the other the bad guy but for which purpose? People either do not care or they can see through us and when we do, they feel ashamed of both of us and sad for our children. Whether we want it or not, we will continue to be family for the rest of our lives because we have children together.  We were lovers, we were best friends, we were partners, we were husband & wife. We spent a big part of our life together and that time has been immortalized through our children. We do not need to hate each other. When you are ready, I would like to earn your trust and respect and become friends again at some point in the future. Life is too short to fight. Please allow me to see the children for 30% of the time as we agreed in the divorce settlement, to permit the introduction with their future stepmother so that we can all spend quality time together in our Park City home. This is all I am asking. You will get more free time for yourself, you will save money, and kids will enrich their lives with a second family. We have everything to win by taking a path of reconciliation and everything to lose by keeping up the war.

A Message to the Tealers

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your love and support. As Teal’s partner, I feel so privileged to be a recipient of your love too. Your gentle words, your unconditional support, your caring responses have meant a lot to me and have brought me courage during these trying times. Complete strangers have shown me often more affection and appreciation than family and old friends. I embrace you as my soul family. To finish this blog, I would like to ask you a last favor. Please go inside your heart, visualize an Easter egg hunt with Teal, Myself, Winter, the members of our intentional community and also my children and my ex wife.  Picture all of us having fun together, sharing jokes, connecting and see the kids running into the Utah wilderness to be the first to find the hidden treasures there. Your prayers and your heart’s intention can change the world. Please make this miracle possible, the miracle of Love that we were meant to create… together.

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