I went back to “grandmother” last week. I am not talking about my actual grandmother (who just turned 101 years old this week), but the plant medicine administered by the shamans more commonly called Ayahuasca. Some centers in Costa Rica can actually administer it in a completely legal way. It always amazes me that some of the most toxic and addictive pharmaceutical drugs are administered completely legally in the US, while the most healing and non-addictive drugs (such as Ayahuasca) are banned. Though it was beneficial in so many ways, my last Ayahuasca journey 3 months ago had been hell. Even so, I knew I had to come back. When I went last time, I was stuck and desperate. This time however, I felt pretty good. I had a clear sense of direction. But just like we should not wait for a health collapse to start exercising or eating healthy, it is also wise to visit “grandmother” before we hit rock bottom.
This time, I did not have any particular intention besides coming closer to living my life with an open heart in a state of spontaneity. This has been a conscious goal of mine for at least 20 years. I felt anxious but in a state of acceptance before the ceremony. As we grow wiser, the fear does not disappear. Instead, we learn to speak with it so that it does not freeze us into inaction. Every meeting with “grandmother” is a form of ego death and an opening into the unknown. We are afraid of this uncertainty. There were just 3 of us for this ceremony; one community member and a local Yoga teacher. We were brought to a beautiful location with a river and abundant fruit trees. We had a couple of hours to chill out before darkness. After exploring the property, I used this opportunity to take a nap.
After I woke up, I chatted with the shaman who shared his own journey with me about finding God. He explained that he does not see himself as a separate individual who has to control his life to make things happen anymore. He sees himself as one of the many arms of the divine. And in this new perspective and identity, synchronicity is abundant. A more universal and larger “he” is working towards the fulfillment of his mission. As we were talking after dark, I noticed the beautiful fireflies (lightning bugs) that were flying around us. The shaman asked if I wanted to see one closer. He made a few steps, took one in his hands and showed it to me. The firefly was completely at peace and seemed to enjoy itself despite the fact that I was looking at it very closely. There was instinctive trust between it and the shaman and with me vicariously. After I spent 2 minutes contemplating the two light dots on its back, the firefly flew away into the dark.
It was now time. The shaman called me to take in the drink. The taste of Ayahuasca is quite awful. Despite this, I declined his offer of taking honey to sweeten the bitter potion. It never takes me very much to start on my shamanic journey. Perhaps the fact that I always choose to fast for at least 2 days before the medicine could be a reason for this sensitivity. Within 5 minutes, my heartbeat had accelerated and my body felt the need to dance, sing and move. The shaman gave me maracas to beat with the music. It felt good to be able to express the energy this way because I know that when the energy gets stuck, confusion and purging are sure to follow. I felt the need to be active with my body for about 30 minutes until “grandmother” called me back to my inner world. I was entering the psychedelic part of the journey.
This was only my third time doing Ayahuasca. I had done it for the first time 5 years ago. During this first journey, I was first called to a high definition, high-tech fractal space. The sharp and very colorful beings that appeared were frightening. I felt I could not trust them. They initially appeared as predators to me. It was so scary that I became afraid of death and of leaving my body.
During my second journey, I saw them again. I was not as afraid. However, I still chose to ignore them. In this journey, we were able to establish a more trusting connection. I started to accept that they might be benevolent beings from a higher dimension. They felt like doctors from the future. They took me into what seemed like a spaceship for treatment and were quite busy. Their physical appearance seemed high tech, and like very colorful, robotic flamingos. As I warmed up to them, I even entertained the fact that I could be one of them on a visit to Earth. They recommended to me to keep coming every 3 months for a check-up because it is critical that I keep working on my heart connection. They told me to do this because I will inevitably gather heart blocks and hindrances during the normal course of my life at this stage of my evolution on Earth. My heart is the receptor that makes it possible to listen to the truth from higher dimensions and to live in harmony with the laws of this universe. During this journey, I identified this truth my heart is trying to receive from a higher dimension as Christ Consciousness. They went on explaining to me that the Lord left his Kingdom to our care, and only by staying connected to our heart, can we administer his territory (Earth) according his Loving and Conscious Will.
I was then brought into the current state of the world. I was sent into the immense, heartless gears of a machine in a production factory. It felt like animal farming but for humans. It was all about production, power, control and profit with no consideration for human feelings and happiness. Facing the actual reality of the matrix and the new world order was incredibly brutal for my conscience under Ayahuasca.
As Teal’s husband, I became interested in better understanding SRA (Satanic Ritual Abuse) and the abominable treatments she went through in her childhood in order to become a more informed and supportive husband. Before I knew her, I was aware of corruption and conspiracy, like most of us. But I felt powerless to do anything about it. The information on the Internet seemed sensational, contradictory in nature and not very scientific. I felt I could not verify the veracity of one perspective against the other. So I let go and just went about my own business dealing with things I could actually have control over. A turn around in my thinking happened when I read Breaking the Chain from Svali, a former Illuminati trainer. It was similar in many ways to what I heard from Teal’s direct cult experience. Two other books from former presidential models Cathy O’Brien and Brice Taylor Trance:Formation of America and Thanks For The Memories confirmed the corruption and moral depravity of our world leaders. It also confirmed that the situation is much worse that I had initially envisioned.
Most of what we are taught or hold true is sadly just lies and manipulation. History is teaching us that we defeated the Nazis. They have actually won as their most lethal weapon, Mind Control, has infiltrated all parts of society that have a concentration of money and power such as politics, religion, large corporations, media networks, music & sports industry all over the world. Actually, the top Nazi experts in mind control (such as Josef Mengele) were placed in top US universities in complete secrecy to continue their research. The new world order is already in place. The elites realized it was much easier to control the masses when the masses are ignorant to what exactly is going on. The creation of human slaves through trauma based mind control and dissociation is the covert tool for the elite to lead society in any way they chose to. I am convinced that Presidential elections are decided in advance or when they are not, they make sure to control both candidates that are presented to the people. This was the case in the USA with Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump. And it was the case again in France with Marine Le Pen and Emmanuel Macron.
National elections are nothing but a puppet show designed to distract the masses from what is really going on. The actual world leaders are not the ones that are fed to us by the media. These leaders are just corrupt puppets that have already ‘sold their soul to the devil’ through criminal activities, sex deviance and various addictions. The world as we know it is actually governed by black lodges that act in complete secrecy to feed demonic or low astral entities that have cut themselves off from Source. As a result, their only way to sustain themselves is through manipulation and stealing energy from beings who are still connected with their heart and with the divinity. Such as people like us.
“Grandmother” showed me more clearly the covert ways that we all get corrupted. I am going to give you some examples. Being vegan is quite inconvenient in our society, so we develop the taste and the craving for unethical food that requires the systematic murder of our animal friends. These foods are heavily advertised through the mainstream media. By buying and eating this food, we become the partner in crime of the elite so now we have to defend them to cover our own shame.
Let’s look at another form of insidious corruption. We work hard to develop skills and abilities to get us ahead and create a better world together. During our progression, we reach a spot where we get closer to a leader that we used to admire. As we get to know him personally, we realize his level of moral depravity and we feel disillusioned and helpless. We then exchange our sincere desire to do good for the world and our longing for a merciful God for the vanity of belonging with the “big boys”. There is no turning back as our thirst for power and security make us commit actions that if revealed would make us lose everything. As we get corrupted, we become easily controlled and manipulated. This is one of the reasons why the leading politicians are such sex addicts. They had to corrupt themselves to such an extent to get to the top that sexual deviance is used to sedate them because their conscience that is tormenting them. At least this is true for the ones that are not completely disconnected and dead inside.
Many facets of society are conducive to traumas that promote disconnection and selfishness so that we, the masses, are more easily manipulated. There is only one escape from this somber reality. It is the connection to our own heart. Purity, personal integrity and self-discipline, the antithesis of corruption, is what keeps this heart link alive. At that phase of my shamanic journey, I saw the voice of the Lord (Christ Consciousness) on the other end of my heart. This is the inner guidance and connection we desperately need in order to not give in the manipulation and venality of our leadership. In their gloomy reality, everything is transactional. People’s value is judged according to a hierarchy and people hold no value in themselves. It is a predatory environment based on exploitation rather than taking care of each other. It is a world full of backstabbing, lies, manipulation, betrayal, selfishness and apathy. To realize the split in oneself between the two realities of our heart and disconnected mind is the first step towards healing, and loosening the grip with our own demons.
How we spend our time, what we buy and who we connect with will strengthen or weaken the parts of this polarity within us. Become a vegetarian, avoid watching TV and mainstream media, develop authentic heart-based relationships, maintain a healthy balance in your life between work, family & friends. Be kind with all living beings. Buy an electric car with solar panels on your roof. Honor the word you gave. Be congruent with your value system in all of your relationships. And build a trusting connection with the divine. These are some practical steps we can take to do our part in this confusing world in order to slowly develop an internal frame of reference when faced with the brutality of the truth regarding the world elite.
During that night with “grandmother”, I was brought back many times to my wife. I felt so much love towards her that the words are lacking to express this ecstatic feeling. I was shown that as a species, I saw how our need to attach is so critically important. Our society, and even the spiritual field, is so much about developing independence. But it is unnatural. This is why understanding attachment theory is such an important key in one’s personal healing and in explaining most personality disorders. Attaching to someone we love is so critical and healthy to our personal development. This is another reason why I am excited to facilitate our next singles retreat in July, and to catalyze people towards finding new love. Relationships are hard but there is nothing else in life that can bring the same level of joy and fulfillment. At a deeper level I could see my absolute terror of aloneness and accept it as something healthy. We have been shamed for wanting intimate connection as it makes us look needy, weak and dependent. But this is our birthright. It is also natural to be frightened to attach as it is so painful to lose the connection once the relationship breaks. This is why I want to educate people to recognize a match when they find one and then to empower them with tools to help grow the relationship and avoid rupture. There is something truly sacred when two people commit to each other. Only a life with love is worth living. I was shown how when a woman marries a man, she gives herself to him and to that extent, he becomes her owner. However, this is ownership in the sense of nurturing and caretaking in the same way Teal & I feel responsible for the land we own at Philia with all the trees, plants, animals and insects. We will not kill even a snake or a scorpion on our property. We are not speaking here of ownership the way that the corrupt elite think of it. Their understanding of ownership is nothing but exploitation. The millions of mind controlled slaves today in the world can attest to this fact.
During this new experience with Ayahuasca, I developed a new relationship with purging. Purging is used by Ayahuasca as a purification mechanism. Let’s agree to call a repressed and unhealthy attachment, belief, negative emotion or fear that is here to repress a sense of lack we have within ourselves, a ‘demon’. As we experience resistance to letting go of our inner demons, Ayahuasca will sometimes attach them to our own fluid to purge both at the same time. This process is painful but salutary. 3 months ago, I did so much purging that I was really not looking forward to it again. Fortunately, this time, purging was only required on two occasions. The first one was related to the culpability around my children. Interestingly enough, I thought I was exempt of culpability as I hold the conscious belief that I always do my best; so if it could have been better, it would have been. Actually, Ayahuasca made me realize that I was deeply repressing the culpability of losing my children. It was difficult to accept so “grandmother” had to get me to expel it physically. It felt such a relief once this energy was out of me.
The second purge was related to an action that I had taken that I knew was not in the best interests of a loved one even though it made financial sense. The mind had unfortunately won and I ended up full of remorse. I had to suffer the potential consequence of damaging a very important connection for a monetary gain and realized deeply that it was not worth it. I made the decision to come clean to the person, take full responsibility for my decision and openly communicate about the shadow that had taken a hold of me. I ended up doing this a couple of days later. And the person, while dissatisfied, did not hold a grudge as he felt I was sincere with my regrets.
“Grandmother” challenged me throughout the night with some of my beliefs and actions. She would tell me “we can do this the easy way or the hard way”. This time, she only had to do it twice the hard way, which is something I am very thankful for. I developed a new understand regarding our relationships with demons. Demons are not able to have a hold on us unless we repress feelings or emotions. Denial is a necessary condition for demons. I got to better understand why Teal is so open with her emotions even though sometimes people in the spiritual world judge it as non spiritual. By being authentic about how she truly feels (even if it can be frown upon as a spiritual teacher), she makes herself less vulnerable to these demonic entities. I am also trying to be more open about my own struggles so that many will follow in those footsteps and together we can be more authentic and accelerate our path of healing and learning. The most deviant men today are often the ones that are looked at with the highest regards: Our presidents, heads of religious institutions or non-profit organizations, artists or sports idols. The books I mentioned above will make you realize this fact. They appear saintly for the media but participate in the worst perversions behind closed doors. Many people have become experts in projecting an appearance they give that has nothing to do with reality. As we come closer to seeing reality, the level of manipulation is such that we may feel lost and not believe in anything or anyone anymore. In fact, when an action is made that tries to solicit positive attention, it is already suspicious. Productive narcissism, as defined by Ross Rosenberg in the Human Magnet Syndrome, is still narcissism. It is enough for our intentions, thoughts and deeds to be known by the divinity. Ultimately, as we cross over to death, this is the only authority we will have to answer to anyway.
I am currently counseling a business executive in developing a truly connected and intimate relationship with his new partner. Despite his best intentions, he is unable to feel into her, see her and understand her, which activates many insecurities in her and leads to conflict. He sees her as emotionally unstable, as if she is acting out for no valid reason. He thought I would help him to fix her and so he became surprised when I confronted him that most of the work would be on his side. We would have to get him to reconnect to his heart. When I talked to him, I felt true compassion. I understand the struggle and suffering to go through to bring our inner child back to life. Unfortunately, in the business world, we are often rewarded for developing sociopathic behaviors.
10 years ago, I remember telling an older executive I hired for my company that I was proud that I had never fired anyone in my company. He made fun of me and told me that he was going to make me tougher. Two years later, I had to go through a downturn and had to fire almost half of the company. He congratulated me for my “progress” and “expediency”. As a business executive, we need to make many decisions that impact people’s lives and families. With the goal to succeed in a highly competitive environment, we do not give ourselves the time to feel and evaluate the consequence of our decisions on our employees’ emotional lives. As a consequence, we learn to feel less & less. After 20 or 30 years in a position with responsibility, we have developed such a capacity to disconnect that we become incapable of developing a truly intimate and connecting relationship. We start treating our significant other like an employee and we start optimizing the home life in the same way that we do our office life. The irony is that most of our professional success is driven by the desire to be loved, admired and respected by our loved ones. It often leads us to a place where we are wealthier but completely alone. I am spending a lot of my time now undoing what I thought was useful to my career. I want to tell the younger generation that it was not worth it. Money & power is never worth selling your soul to the devil and disconnecting with your inner child. Do not compromise your personal integrity for short-term financial gains. It is however easier said than done and the temptations are plenty.
“Grandmother” brought to me a new understanding about people suffering with borderline personality disorder (BPD). This disorder often comes hand in hand with people who went through very severe abuse or who have complex PTSD. These people do not have the means to cope with life. Borderline individuals are the psychological equivalent of third-degree burn patient. They simply have, so to speak, no emotional skin. For this reason, the slightest touch or movement can create immense suffering for the borderline. Yet, on the other hand, life is movement so they find themselves in permanent pain and crisis. I was shown that if everyone would lose their capacity to cope (just like the borderline), then the world would rapidly become a better place. By coping, the rest of us are actually enabling and feeding the dysfunctionality of this world. Every day, we keep accepting the unacceptable: killing our animal friends for food when it is absolutely unnecessary, keeping our corrupt leaders unaccountable for their crimes, exploiting and polluting our earth for profit, ignoring the abuse of minorities as long as we are not part of it. What would happen if we were to become physically incapable of participating in all of this wrongdoing? A similar analogy can be made of autistic children who from a spiritual perspective are refusing to engage in our 3D reality as a wake-up call for the rest of us.
During the night, “grandmother” kept revisiting all these various topics with me, going deeper every time. At dawn however I shed my first tears when I fully felt the pain of separation with my two children; my little ones that will always be my babies. They are the flesh of my flesh (“la chair de ma chair” in French). It is so hard to feel alienated by them. I have not had contact with them for about a year now. I was then shown the suffering of cows that are separated from their calves at birth for the dairy industry. The cows are then made to produce milk in an industrial way while they are in distress wondering what happened to their babies. The male baby calves are actually brought to a horrible death by the meat industry. The agony of the mother crying for her babies goes into the milk and the cheese that you eat everyday. As I related to this suffering, I decided to let go of dairy products. It is not an easy thing to do for a French man as we are so attached to our cheese. I decided to use the natural cultural temptation of my body’s preferences and associate it with the future reconnection with my children. Every time I say no to dairy products, I connect with the suffering of these poor cows longing for their babies. And by doing that, I connect with my own loss. This loss, though uncomfortable, is a way I can connect with my children today and send them my love on the inner planes. It does not matter how much it hurts. I make the commitment that I would rather be connected and be in pain rather than disconnected. I do not want to contribute more to world misery.
I still hold so much grief for losing my children. I realize however that I will be their caretaker for the rest of my life whether they accept it or not in this dimension. They live in me just as I live in them regardless of the fact that they are denying this reality presently. This is why it feels so ridiculous that they are currently made to believe they have no father and are being assigned substitute fathers. Fortunately or unfortunately, the connection between biological parents and children can never be erased. I experienced compassion at that point for my own parents. Even though my thoughts diverge from theirs, I promise to give an honest shot at loving them. I do not have to make what they have done OK to love them. I can love them even though I disapprove of many of their actions. The fact is they need peace and appreciation like every one of us. If our children keep evolving and raise their standards for parenting, they will probably find that many of our behaviors were abusive.
It is not always easy to love our parents especially if one of our parents keeps hurting us. However by being at war with them, we only are being at war with ourselves. It is a difficult balance to achieve and only within the deepest places of our heart can we know if it is best for us to maintain distance or develop a closer connection with them at a given time. Suddenly, I started breaking down as I relived the double abandonment from my mother and father when I was 11 years old. I was disappointed as I thought I had already worked through this trauma 5 years ago. Obviously, there was still much more to release and I sobbed uncontrollably. “Grandmother” then showed me that my subconscious mind used my own children to re-experience the pain of this double abandonment. My daughter was the first one to disconnect with me. This feels like my mother who left me behind to live a new life. Then 6 months later, my son decided to stop all communication with me. This is a remembrance of my father who gave up on me, as he felt overwhelmed by the pressure he was under.
I am called to apologize on this blog to my own children that I used them subconsciously to heal traumas from my own childhood. I want to tell them that the horrible experiences they had to go through are not their fault. This is not their pain. It is their mum and dad’s pains that were replayed subconsciously. It is unfair and cruel to them. This is why it is so important that we do everything we can to heal emotionally before we have children. I have failed in this instance as I could not prevent the ordeal and tragedy my children had to go through. After I am able to fully relive this trauma, I hope they will feel more invited to reconnect with me. Hopefully, they will see that I come more from a place of wanting to add to their lives instead of repeating the hurt from my past. In the meantime, I want them to know that they have been teaching me unconditional love like no one before as I patiently wait for our reconnection. Papa thinks of you everyday and has never abandoned you.
And you “Grandmother”, I thank you for revealing to me so many insights that help me becoming a better and more connected man. Your wisdom is grounded in simplicity, truth and heart connection. Thank you for guiding my steps. I will finish this blog with some humor from our friend JP Sears: “If Trump drank Ayahuasca”