Break-up

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breakup

I have fallen in love 6 times in my life. Falling in love feels like a higher state of consciousness where all we care about is spending time with our beloved, where our happiness is her happiness as we would do anything to earn her grace. In that state, time ceases to exist as 10 hours with our lover feels like 2 minutes. Eating, drinking and sleeping are deemed non-important when we are love-intoxicated. It is a very powerful state that can induce fears among the person’s entourage as someone in love appears suddenly so unpredictable. For that reason, psychologists have described this state in less favorable terms as infatuation or limerence, denoting a state of obsession, unreasoned passion or even addiction. In my personal experience, it is a very beautiful state that needs to be cherished, enjoyed thoroughly and extended as long as possible as it is so precious. Reality eventually kicks in, and it always feels too early when it does.

The Universe is very interested in our growth and it knows that there is nothing better than an intimate relationship to boost our self-awareness. So, it baits us with the magnificent feeling of falling in love. When we merge with someone else, we die and we are being reborn. The person we are going to fall madly in love with is the person that has the potential to maximize our inner development. Unfortunately, we all know from our lives that the times when we grew the most may have been the most challenging, and this is true for intimate relationships. I fully subscribe to the Imago theory that was developed by the Hendrix’s. It says that we are attracted to partners that will help us relive and eventually heal the unresolved traumas from childhood. Sometimes partners are able to go through that growth and healing together. However, some other times, one partner may run away from the other and will see the break-up as the most conducive to their healing. It is a matter of individual choice, and it is best to honor the person’s free will rather than pretending we know better by emitting judgments. Nevertheless, breaking up from an intimate partner is one of the most painful experiences of our existence down here, only comparable to the death of a loved one.

Paradoxically, my most difficult break-up was with my first love when I was only 19. I did not make a formal commitment to her such as an engagement. There were no legal or financial complications. We were both very young and our break-up only impacted us emotionally with very little consequences for our friends & family. How is it possible that my break-ups involving children, parents or splitting all of our assets could have felt less difficult to handle? This confirms that our life experience, the healing tools at our disposal, and mature thinking are critical in supporting the grieving process of break-ups. For this reason, I want to share with you what I have learned in this process in hope that it may be helpful to you.

huge-wave-crashing-on-pier-dock.jpgFollow the waves instead of resisting them

The process of uncoupling is brutal because it involves many parts of us: physical, emotional and mental. As we lose this special person in our life, our body may go into shock as we cannot hug them, touch them or cuddle with them anymore, especially if this aspect of the relationship was really fulfilling. We may miss sharing our feelings, the small attentions, feeling loved or their emotional presence. We may miss the long, passionate and intellectually stimulating conversations. It will really depend on the specific relationship dynamics. In any case, this leaves a big void in our life. It is best to acknowledge it and completely feel it rather than denying it. I would like to share a quote that was sent by a friend of mine: “Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s the love you want to give but cannot. All of that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.” – Jamie Anderson

People who cannot move on from a relationship are people who cannot grieve because they refuse to feel the pain associated with the loss. Their ego refuses to experience this suffering because it would make it mean that they contributed to the failure of the relationship, that they were flawed, that they were bad, that they are meant to be alone, that they are unlovable, that they deserved to be abandoned, and so on, and so forth. It is all about unhealed attachment traumas. Instead they become negatively obsessed with the former object of love that they used to glorify publicly. They attempt to appear as a victim, forgetting they entered the relationship full heartedly with their freedom of choice. We do not need to be perfect to be loved. To be human is to be imperfect and we make mistakes. I gave all that I had to my important relationships so I hold no regret. Yes, I made mistakes but I did not know better at the time, so there is nothing to dwell on.

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After we have broken-up from a partner we loved, the pain will be acute, and the first waves will hit us hard. Last April, after I had just landed in France, if one of my friends would ask me how I was doing, I could not say a word but started shedding tears as the dissolution of the marriage had just started. This was healthy! After getting some sleep and recovering from jet lag, my mind was again in control and I lost touch again with my emotions. I had brought back my heart walls so as not to feel the pain of the break-up. Fortunately, my friend Jacques made me realize that I was getting in the way of my own grieving process. My mind was so afraid to feel out of control that it had started shutting down the feelings of loss. This was unhealthy. Societal expectations are therefore the opposite of what we need for our grieving process. The down waves may take the form of feeling unlovable, isolated, anxious or depressed for example. These emotions have to be experienced fully and somatically (with the body) with no judgment. The big mistake we make in our healing process is to overuse our mind while the body is so much better equipped to release trauma. Crying, shouting, shaking has done more for my healing than all of my analytical processes. Analysis should follow healing from the body and the emotions but not precede it. Fortunately, we have the ability to take advantage of our emotional suffering for healing purposes. So we can always benefit from a difficult and painful situation.

In my personal experience, the up and down waves take on average a week, and the waves’ intensity get lower over time to eventually stabilize back to a normal state. Recently, during one of the down waves, I started feeling very heavy energy. I went to lunch with a friend anyway but the plumber called me just as I was about to order lunch. I had to come back home right away. I realize this was a wake-up call to make the healing process the priority instead of daily activities. We went into the healing room and I started expressing the raw feelings without any filters. In this case, it was about that I felt that people I loved the most saw me as a monster. I let my body purge these emotions, and could come back to the original childhood fragment related to my sister. My parents lacked emotional maturity and did not prepare her well for my venue into this world. She saw me as the newcomer that was stealing from her the small crumbs of love from our parents. She developed hatred towards me that I had to internalize to cope. So I developed self-hatred and I created in my reality situations to reflect that belief. I was able to let go somatically of that belief during this session. I worked on changing that belief during another healing session. Interestingly, at the end of that session, one of my loved ones that is demonizing me called me unexpectedly and we had a nice exchange. I knew then that my inner work was starting to work on the fabric of reality.

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If you are getting a divorce, chances are that not all of the relationship was rosy and aspects of it were rather difficult. So the good news is that you will be experiencing up waves too! If your partner was over controlling and possessive, you may feel a sense of exhilaration from your newfound freedom. If your life was drowning in drama, you may feel relieved about experiencing peace and quiet again. If you were constantly criticized and always walked on eggshells, you may enjoy being again in an environment that is both supportive and nurturing. If you did not particularly enjoy your wife’s close friends, you may be happy to be away from them. Use these up waves to your advantage. Make sure to create opportunities for yourself to do the things you could not do when you were in the marriage to fully experience some of the benefits of the break-up. This will make you feel better about the divorce. On my end, I took a month in Europe to reconnect with old friends and family. There was nothing more healing than being surrounded by people who loved me and appreciated me for who I am. Healing is about having the opposite experience. I got inspired by doing things I was not able to do when I was married. This helped me to see the glass half full instead of half empty. Also we can only receive after we empty our cup so let us develop a sense of wonder of what is coming next into our life after the loss of love.

Get support

Screen Shot 2018-06-27 at 11.35.14 PMWe have been conditioned in this society to do everything on our own. So naturally, when tragedy strikes, we have a tendency to isolate. This is not healthy. We are social creatures and need each other. After breaking up an important relationship, our emotional balance goes off so we should not make things worse by denying our most basic human need to feel supported, loved and cared for. I felt very fortunate that some good-hearted people showed up in my life and kept me company when I needed it the most. Good people naturally want to help especially when their support is appreciated. It feels empowering to them and they are often healing themselves through this process too. The key is to be authentic with your pain and your needs, and you will be surprised by the amount of goodness coming your way.

Real pain versus imaginary pain

As I mentioned before, break-ups are some of the most painful experiences we can go through. However, we can make the process of grieving easier or harder on ourselves with the quality of our thoughts. The feeling of loss is real and takes time to heal. However, there are a lot of other emotions that are not real in the sense that they are fabricated by erroneous thinking. Without the faulty thought, some of the negative emotions would not even exist. This is where our mature inner adult (IA) can help our hurt inner child (IC).

IC: “This person destroyed my life. I will never be able to recover. This person took everything away from me.”

IA: “This was a difficult experience and I chose it out of my free will. There are important lessons to learn from any painful relationship.”

IC: “What’s wrong with me that I cannot have a healthy and nurturing relationship? I am forever doomed. God hates me.”

IA: “I have learned important lessons of this past relationship and I am much better equipped as a result to attract the right type of person into my life. Though it was painful, I see this person as an important teacher. There are often many layers of healing we need to go through to manifest what we truly want.”

IC: “This person has to pay for what he did to me and my children. I will make him pay for the rest of eternity so that he does not hurt anyone like he hurt me.”

IA: “I hope this person can be happy in their future relationships. I am glad I am not in his life anymore so that I can attract a relationship that feels better. If the same pattern appears again in any future relationship, I will know that the problem may be more related to me than him.”

If the inner child is really hurt, it is best for the inner adult to start validating the inner child before sharing his wisdom. For example, in the first situation, this would look like “I feel that this person destroyed my life and took everything away from me. Sometimes I may feel that I will never be able to recover. However, I have been through similar difficult break-ups in the past and I have survived. I actually keep attracting better partners. I can see this was a difficult experience but I chose it out of my free will and no one forced me into it. There are some important lessons I learned from this relationship”. Use your intuition to balance effectively your IC and IA. If you were to let your toddler run the show in your household, things would be quickly out of control and your sweet child would turn into a high-chair tyrant. Meet all the emotional needs of your inner child but do not lose yourself in the process. An important role of the IA is to educate the IC to grow-up. Emotional validation has to come with accountability so that we do not get stuck in a victim role, which is one of the lowest vibrational states.

Keeping contact or not after a break-up?

People who break-up that still love each other will feel very hurt. It is often very difficult for them to stay in contact, and any exchange with the estranged partner may feel like re-traumatization. In an ideal world, especially if there are children involved, it would be best for former partners to stay friendly and on social terms. In my experience, it is however only feasible when the love has faded away for both partners and they have moved on with their respective lives. There is no sense of loss anymore or hard feelings. This can take time. How likely is this when a couple has just broken up? Very unlikely. If one person is not in love anymore but the other person is, then the situation is just as difficult. I am of the opinion that people need to do what is best for their personal healing. However, if children are involved, put the children’s healing first while not succumbing to ex-partner control dramas. I have kept in touch with a couple of the women I have been in love with in the past, and I have found these relationships rewarding. However, it often took years before we were able to reconnect. This should not be forced, as the newly gained friendship would need to be unconditional and away from all the failed expectations of the past. So in most cases, a clean cut in the short-term may be preferable to support the emotional healing of the recently broken up couple.

Gratitude as the ultimate healing tool

By doing important healing work in Europe supported by friends and family, I found the resources to write a blog about the end of the marriage in a way that was genuinely grateful. And this time, I was not bypassing. I could appreciate all the wonderful times and all the gifts that came from the relationship. It was now up to me to create in my life and in myself all the things I previously adored in her. When we are grateful, we cannot be resentful. When we are grateful, we cannot feel like a victim. When we are grateful, we cannot feel revengeful. When we are grateful, we are looking forward to a bright future and we are not lost dwelling on the past. When we are grateful, we do not close ourselves off and on the contrary, we keep our heart open to new possibilities. We should not rush ourselves into this state however. Before we can reach genuine gratitude, all raw emotions of powerlessness, anger, resentment, sadness and loss have to be experienced. And sometimes, we have to go through these emotions multiples times through various cycles. Our emotions need be true, and we should not pretend we are feeling something that we are not. This is a big part of living an authentic life. We need to find the courage to express openly how we feel when we are in a safe environment unconcerned of the good opinions of others

How long does it take to heal from a break-up?

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If we are committed to our healing, have a supportive environment, and can rely on a wise IA (Inner Adult), I think one month per year of the relationship is a fair expectation. Otherwise, it may take much longer and actually some people never get over some past relationships. Sometimes the grieving or pulling away will actually start when you are still in the relationship. During the grieving phase, strict celibacy is most recommended. Our sexual energy is the finest energy at our disposal and this energy can be turned inward for healing. This will work marvels and help you shift to a new level. If we genuinely listen to our body during a grieving cycle, we will notice that the body has no desire to expand its energy sexually. Only the mind may do so in order to prevent experiencing difficult emotions as it follows an addictive pattern. Our mind is a good servant but a poor master. Our heart and body wisdom are far more reliable to know what is best for us. Do not rush your grieving process. Slower is often faster.

How about you? I am interested to know more about your own break-up stories, what you learned from them, and what helped your grieving process.

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Inauguration of The Avenues Healing House

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inaugurationOn Wednesday evening this week, we inaugurated The Avenues Healing House (TAHH). The house was built in 1890 in the historic Avenues district of Salt Lake City (show historic plate) by one of the first jewelers of Salt Lake City for a cost of $2,500. This can tell you how much inflation we had in 130 years.

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The house is quaint and has a unique character and a personality of its own. The house felt lonely, empty and depressed over the last 6 months as we were redoing its foundation. Now, it is feeling very excited as it can anticipate all the upcoming healing miracles to come 🙂 While it is only a couple of blocks from South Temple and downtown Salt Lake City, it enjoys the calm and elegant beauty of the Avenues neighborhood. The Avenues are named after the perfectly grid like, closely laid out roads called Avenues (numbers, 1st – 18th) and Streets (letters, A – V). First surveyed in the 1850s, the Avenues became Salt Lake City’s first neighborhood. Today, the Avenues neighborhood is generally considered younger, more progressive, liberal and somewhat “artsy” when compared to other neighborhoods. Many young professionals choose to live there due to the culture and easy commute to downtown. TAHH has a small garden with beautiful roses. As the Eiffel tower guy, I had put an Eiffel tower in the middle of the front yard of course 😉

I have a special intention for this house. I have experimented in my life with diverse communities and groups, and I have learned from personal experience what works (and does not work) to bring a flourishing community that empowers and heals individuals.

Here are the values I would like to bring forth in TAHH.

  1. Love for God: I believe that every one of us has a parcel of the divine. Only by connecting with this part of us deep within our heart can we share this love with other fellow human beings and the rest of creation. It does not matter what spiritual affiliation or religion you are part of. What is required is the humility to understand that human consciousness is very limited when it is separated from the consciousness of our creator that we call God or Source. Even the most gifted spiritual leaders can easily fell and be tempted by the illusion of separateness or ego so this is why it is so important that we encourage everyone to develop a direct and an autonomous relationship with the divine, independent of any institution or spiritual leader. The relationship with our soul (that is connected to all of creation) is the most important relationship we will ever have, and from this place of connectedness, only then can we give unconditionally to our loved ones. An individual that is not able to develop that direct relationship with Source will be either depleted or will draw on the energy of others.
  2. Authenticity: Unless we can know, accept and love who we are, we send mixed messages and we cannot be trusted.  We accept our light and our shadow aspects, as we understand it is part of our humanity. Our darkness is only as dangerous as we have no awareness of it. We share our shadows in all transparency to promote healing in others and ourselves. We strive to be truthful to who we are by listening to our feelings and find ways to express our authenticity in a way that is most beneficial and least detrimental to others. Authenticity brings us closer to our heart as we let go of our false identities. As I like to say, there is more hope for the authentic asshole than the double-faced good guy. Authenticity stimulates inner creativity, sustainable relationships, spontaneity and healing.
  3. Brotherhood & Sisterhood: Our brothers and sisters are anyone that shares the same commitment to live according divine guidance by following his/her heart in accordance with his or her own individuality and unique gifts. In this model, there is no hierarchy, power dynamics or exploitation. Each person contributes according to his own aptitudes and abilities. People take naturally their place in this meritocratic community. We strive to look in each other the spark of the divine that our creator deposited in each of us by creating man to its image.
  4. Vulnerability: We all have been hurt in our past and we often display protector personalities that can be aggressive, cold, victimized or hurtful when we are triggered. We commit instead to go into vulnerability and look at our inner wounds, take responsibility for them and share them openly in a safe environment. Being human is difficult and offers its share of tragedies. The more comfortable we can be sharing our hurt in a vulnerable way, the faster the healing can take place. Then we can share our joy with each other, which makes life worth living.
  5. Kindness: Many of us have attachment traumas from our past and as a result, there are parts of us that feel unlovable, unworthy and dwell in core shame. There is no better remedy to this shame than a kindness container where we can feel unconditionally loved and accepted. We focus on the qualities of others rather than their shortcomings. We practice love & acceptance of self and other. And if we choose to be critical to change things for the better, we commit to be ten times harder on our own weaknesses rather than the weaknesses of others.
  6. Experience over knowledge: Our words carry little weight when we speak from knowledge and not from experience. This is the difference between preaching and teaching. Knowledge that cannot be verified or applied in a practical way to one’s life can take us away from our heart. We believe in grounded spirituality where our practice impacts positively and directly the people around us. True spirituality is aimed at bringing heaven on earth. We only teach in areas where we have direct experience. We admit openly we do not know enough on a topic when we have knowledge without experience. We commit to be what we teach. I have met many spiritual teachers in my life and only a very small percentage lives a life that is congruent to their teaching. We prioritize being over knowing.
  7. Simplicity: Human needs are simple and we have made them complicated. All we need is to love and to be loved, taking care of our physical needs, grow as individuals, joking around, feeling creative and expressing ourselves. There is no need for a grand plan to save the world, to create Noah’s ark, become the best of the world in a discipline or to build an empire to be happy. Living life fully and happily according to who we are and in harmony with others is all we need to be joyful and in peace.
  8. Purity is the most critical aspect in living a heart-centered life. Our spiritual heart is the seat of the soul, and the heart can only express itself with a noble character. We get there by following a practice that keeps the ego and the mind in check, practicing unconditional service, surrounding ourselves with uplifting and inspiring influences. It is about watching what we eat, what we drink, who we spend time with, what we watch and read, exercising our body and our mind, our spiritual practice, introspection, how we spend our money, how we treat others and every single decision we make.
  9. Service: Loving God is loving all of its creation. I have tried many paths in my life and I have come to the conclusion that there is only one true life that leads to real happiness; it is the one of service. It is my belief that man was created to assist our creator by serving the human, animal, vegetal and mineral realms. Unfortunately, we have often chosen exploitation over service, and it is still time to reverse this trend. There is no faster way to access our own divinity by bringing health, joy and goodness to everything that is alive around us. By giving oneself completely, we will receive more than we have ever imagined especially as people around us are touched by our heartfelt actions.
  10. Freedom: The most beautiful and attractive energies are the ones that are free flowing and unrestrained. By attempting to control states of consciousness or the people in our lives, we limit them and make them smaller. While we hold people accountable for their actions, we let come and go at their discretion. We want people to come to us because it feels good to their heart and not because of fear. We encourage people to think critically and ask questions as long as it is done with respect and a genuine desire to understand. We stay away from dogma as it divides people instead of bringing them together. We understand that there are as many religions on earth as they are human beings as a religion is nothing else than a belief system. We do not impose our beliefs on others however we can set healthy boundaries according to what is our truth.
  11. Heart-based donation. Whenever possible, we encourage to be compensated for our healing services in a donation form. This makes the heart grow, help everyone to afford our services and transcend transactional relationships to become more unconditional. Eventually this will help us create a new monetary system for the new earth that is less prone to corruption.

The first floor of the house is dedicated to group activities and workshops. We have space for small groups up to about 20 people. People sit on pillows instead of chairs to represent our connection to the earth and our simplicity. The first floor has almost no furniture except for a dining table and an armoire to store the pillows. We have a dining room for eight as one of most enjoyable part of being human is to cook, eat together, connect, share and converse.

We have a healing room at the disposal of practitioners from all traditions to give sessions in our private healing session room to bootstrap their business in TAHH. Wellness practitioners can use the session room upstairs up to 8 hours/week in order for everyone to benefit. We have currently one room available upstairs for one full-time resident (please message me if you are interested) and we have a room for traveling visitors. All space bookings from practitioners happen electronically so that we can all be aware of TAHH activities and avoid scheduling conflicts. We have created a Facebook page for TAHH. If you are interested in TAHH’s future activities, just like the page.

The inauguration of TAHH took place the day I turned 45. Someone commented that it made 12345 as the house number is 123. David, a priest of the Native American Church of the Lakota tradition performed a ritual to bless the house. It involved smudging the house, singing sacred songs, praying to the four directions and applying the sacred blood of a deer on each window four directions and its center point. TAHH is an old Victorian house and the windows do not open so we had to use a ladder around the house, and climb over rose bushes. It was quite acrobatic but David & I had fun in the process.

Native American spiritual practices have always resonated with me from doing sweat lodges, using plant medicine, drumming or singing. When I did my DNA test using 23andme, I actually found some Native American blood in my ancestry! I am sharing with you the Four Directions Prayer so that you get to know better this beautiful tradition too

Four Directions Prayer (Stand facing South)

Great Spirit, Thank you for this day, for the breath and life within me, and for all of your creations. 

As I face South, I allow the spirit of All Possibilities to wash over me. Wherever I have fear or doubt, I trust that answers will come. Show me it is right for me to make decisions with my heart, even if at times, my heart becomes hurt. Help me to grow and nurture my self-worth in all ways.

(When you feel the expansion of all possibilities, turn to face West.)

The West is the direction where the White Buffalo lives. White Buffalo stands for strength, bravery and courage. As you breathe in, allow the power and energy of the White Buffalo spirit to wash over you and awaken your warrior within.

(When you feel that powerful presence, turn to face the North.) 

The North is the direction where the black-tailed deer lives. This is the direction of the spirit energy of humbleness and humility. As you breathe in, allow your soul and spirit to be touched with humbleness, knowing that all we are, and all that we have, comes from the Great Spirit.

(When you truly feel touched with grateful humbleness, turn to the East.)

The East is the land of the Eagle—the symbol for wisdom and discernment. I ask the spirit of the Eagle to be with me. Sharpen my eyes and ears to hear your direction on my path. Guide my steps, my actions, and my every word.

(When you feel a deeper connection to the eagle’s wisdom, turn back and face the South)

Great Father Spirit and Mother Earth, Thank you for your beauty, and for all you have given me. Help me to remember to love and feel compassion for all creation. Help me to walk my path with joy and love for myself, for others, for the four-legged, the winged ones, the plants and all creation.

Remind me never to take from you more than I need, and remind me to always give back more than I take.

Satya went on to giving all of us a sound bath. A sound bath is an immersion in sound frequency to clean the soul. There’s nothing new about the practice. Tibetans have been using these instruments, considered sonic frequency technologies, for more than 2,000 years. Nethania had just composed a new song that she shared with everyone of us “Nothing can break my heart”. We went on eating a gluten free vegan cake and drinking Veuve Clicquot champagne. The celebration continued and I was not in bed before 2:30 AM

It was by far one of my best birthdays. It was very smooth and I felt so much love throughout the day. All the kind messages I received through social media felt wonderful too. Paradoxically, it was the birthday where I had the least expectation. I came back from my European healing trip to grieve the end of my marriage at the end of May. I knew I had to build a brand new life and a new support system as all the people I had spent the majority of my time over the last 3 years had suddenly vanished from my life. Miraculously, I did not have to build anything. People came to me with open heart and I feel so incredible grateful for it. Some were new people, some were acquaintances that came closer, and some were family members that reconnected. I can now relate to David’s words that when we open our heart to the Divine Mother, she will cherish us in every way possible. We only have to clear our own resistance to receive.Screen Shot 2018-06-22 at 11.57.50 AM

The dance of Kali and Shiva

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I have spent over 20 years married or in an intimate relationship with what people would call strong and powerful women. My point of attraction trying to control the uncontrollable came from attachment trauma. But my childhood traumas are not the focus on my blog today. Many men today are in relationship and in love with such women and I would like to share my experience to support them having a better relationship.

Kali is one of the most popular forms of the divine in India, especially among women. She is the great destroyer, even more powerful than Shiva, and in her destruction, she allows new things to be born. In this way, she is both a killer and a mother. She often appears when the prettier, softer goddesses are enraged, when a male force like Shiva or a demon on the battlefield tries to control, placate or subjugate her. According to Tantric philosophy, Kali represents Shakti, the fundamental feminine energy that animates everything and will not be fully controlled by masculine force. She also represents the rage that arises when a woman feels underestimated by her partner, or when she feels that he refuses to show up for her.

Men have oppressed women for thousand of years. Women reveal prettier faces most of the time because, generally, they catch more flies with honey however their collective repressed rage and anger towards men is real and explodes periodically in their intimate relationships. Women who have suffered sexual abuse, abandonment, emotional repression from an invalidating family environment or neglect from an emotionally unavailable father will be even more prone to Kali energy. Kali represents the active destructive uncontrollable force that can be witnessed often with women and sometimes with men during intimate quarrels. To be at the receiving end of a person spewing the negative side of Kali energy, which is hatred fueled from sexual energies, is one of the most difficult energetic and emotional experience to withstand. And I speak from experience!

“Hell hath no fury, like a woman scorned,” is a proverb written in the late 17th century by William Congreve. It refers, of course, to a woman scorned in love who becomes consumed with hatred. She will either self-destruct (creative energy turned on itself) or destroy all that is around them  including her own children. Hatred and its many forms of disgust, repulsion, rejection, and dislike, do not seem like a choice for the person caught in this fury. However “A woman scorned” needs to eventually admit that she chooses to perceive herself as scorned if she wants to heal. While women are more prone to Kali destructive energy than men, just like men are more prone to disconnection and sociopathy, men can also display Kali energy. I was 19 when I fell in love for the first time. Her name was Carole. We had a passionate love story that lasted 3 months. I made some insensitive hurtful comments without realizing it. It broke her heart so she pulled away. I felt abandoned in return and we broke up though we loved each other very much. Quickly after, she went for another guy. I felt deeply betrayed. For months following the break-up, I held intense hatred towards her. I refused to take any responsibility for the split and chose instead to make her bad. I was full of anger, bitterness and resentment. During this period when I was boiling with anger, I had the downstairs neighbor mentioning a couple of times a leak from my shower to his apartment. I did not pay attention as my mind was so immersed with blames and feelings of unfairness towards Carole. One early morning after I had taken a shower, someone banged on my door very loudly. I opened and my neighbor stormed into my apartment completely enraged. He pushed me then held me violently against the wall and threatened to kill me if I did not get this leak fixed. Then he left. I was left completely shocked and confused. I had the wisdom to realize that my neighbor was the external manifestation of my repressed rage, and I started a process of healing that eventually led to forgiveness, and letting go of the relationship.

This unprocessed Kali energy is the cause of many wars and strife in our world. Wasn’t the Trojan War waged against the city of Troy by the Achaeans after Paris of Troy took Helen from her husband Menelaus, king of Sparta? After close examination, you will find that many world conflicts are originated from Kali.

Although it is uncomfortable being on the receiving end of that energy, the remedy is simple…remove yourself from the vicinity of the individual if you can. The one who is venting the stream of creative energy in rage and hatred, however, is more trapped in a living hell than ever we could imagine. Unchecked, this corrosive energy will consume the person completely, destroying his/her health and leading to a complete break down of their life.

Not all Kali energy is negative as it can be emancipating as well. When a woman says “I need to find my Kali side,” or “I need some Kali energy,” she’s looking for a way to stand up for herself, to discover her inner fierceness, or to express the outrageous side of her sexuality. There is tremendous power and appeal in that energy. Aren’t we men fearful but also so attracted to the femme fatale? As long as there is awareness coming with this energy, it can very liberating especially if the person understands that the aim in expressing this Kali energy is to discover the hurt and pain behind it so that it may be released.

Let me now share with you 25 years of trial & error dealing with the Kali energy of my partners hoping it will speed up your understanding and improve your relationship.

In my early twenties, when Kali would show up, my immediate reaction would be to remove myself and go to my “cave” for a couple of days. It was a very ineffective approach. My partner would feel abandoned and unloved as the result. A woman wants to feel contained by a man. My attitude was more that of a boy than a man. They felt they could not be received as a woman so they would break-up with me, which would be incredibly painful because of my own abandonment traumas. Looking for solutions, I read at that time “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” from John Gray. As a young man, I decided that I would not retract anymore to my cave when Kali would show-up in my partner, as I decided to commit to have a life-long marriage.

Kali would then show-up about once or twice a month in my partner. At first, I was terrified but held my commitment. I engaged with Kali, tried to bring her to reason, lost my temper, cried at times, begged for mercy. Kali defeated me every single time and it would take me about 3 days to recover emotionally. Kali was satisfied however. As this cycles were so difficult to endure, I looked for solutions in self-improvement books to find a way out of my misery. I strengthened my mind with new knowledge. For example, Wayne Dyer would say “How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours” or “What comes out when life squeezes you? When someone hurts or offends you? If anger, pain and fear come out of you, it’s because that’s what’s inside. When someone puts the pressure on you and out of you comes anything other than love, it’s because that’s what you’ve allowed to be inside. Once you take away all those negative things you don’t want in your life and replace them with love, you’ll find yourself living a highly functioning life”. Another one from Wayne Dyer that I used a lot to deal with the borderline crises of my partner was “There is a story concerning the Buddha, who is in the company of a fellow traveler who tests this great teacher with derogatory, insulting, disparaging, and bitter responses to anything the Buddha says. Every day, for three days when the Buddha spoke, the traveler responded by calling him a fool, and ridiculing the Buddha in some arrogant fashion. Finally, at the end of the third day, the traveler could stand it no more. He asked, “How is it that you are able to be so loving and kind when all I’ve done for the past three days is dishonor and offend you? Each time I am disobliging to you, you respond in a loving manner. How is this possible?” The Buddha responded with a question of his own for the traveler. “If someone offers you a gift, and you do not accept that gift, to whom does the gift belong?”. Armed with this new knowledge, I was starting to give Kali a decent fight.

In a middle of conflict, I would then stay physically present but would however use my mind as a shield, not engaging but rather visualizing myself being squeezed and spreading love instead. Or like the Buddha, I would attempt to withstand anger from my partner in equanimity. With enough practice, my mind had started to defeat Kali. It would sometimes take hours or a whole night but I would be sure not to expand too much energy. With no more physical and emotional energy left in her body, my partner would then eventually collapse and go to sleep though it may take many hours of the night before reaching this point. Endurance and patience were the key. Following this Kali cycle, she would be completely drained and disconnected for 3 days and I would just let this pass though it was uncomfortable and separating. Reflecting on this period, I can see how I developed my own demon of disconnection to defeat the demon of Kali. This was a war not a relationship. I learned not to engage with Kali too because Kali was not rational and distorting facts to win her war. Instead, I stayed physically present, looking at the eyes of my partner trying to lend her energy in order to get back to a rational space if her mind had been usurped by the wrath of Kali. However,  I realize now it was not different than Shiva trying to placate Kali which would infuriate her even more. So I learned during this phase not to get affected by Kali, and to stay in control for safety. The suppressed anger however never healed, on the contrary. So much toxic energy had accumulated that there was no space for a loving relationship anymore. It was a power struggle. Even as the marriage eventually ended, Kali’s wrath is still pursuing me, refusing to let me go.

Then I started a relationship with a much more conscious woman with potent Kali energy. Our Shiva and Kali would fight too but she would bring remarkable awareness in the process. I started to take more responsibility for the anger of my partner realizing she was expressing negative emotions I was repressing. I became familiar with the concept of emotional tanking. I became more aware of my habit of deflecting. Basically, I would do or say something that hurt my partner who would then react with a negative emotion. I would shame her for her reaction, which would escalate the argument further, which eventually may trigger me too. We worked very hard on solving our disputes however she could not emotionally regulate and I lacked attunement, a lethal combination. We both had very powerful protector personalities to cover our damaged wounded inner children so we committed to only bring our vulnerable selves. Easier said than done! I acquired more knowledge and started to become much better at validating her emotions and containing her by acknowledging the parts I was responsible of. I made a lot of conscious efforts to see her, feel her and understand her, as she would go through these crises. We followed an analytical approach, which gave us a lot of new knowledge and wisdom. Unfortunately, over time, she became more and more of a pressure cooker. While I was able to let go, release and heal our disputes as they came and went as there was so many highs in the relationship that compensated for the struggles. On her side however, she built resentment and she started to see me as her perpetrator. She was more and more divided with heightened intensity between the love she had for me and the terror from being hurt emotionally. Her pain became so intense that she eventually broke off the relationship out of survival. I felt deeply hurt and confused from the break-up as I thought I was just holding healthy boundaries.

Last week, I decided to attend a cacao ceremony in Salt Lake City that was held by friends. The ceremony started softly as several of us started sharing their thoughts and feelings in a contained way. Then, two of the ladies that were experienced shadow workers started to bring their Kali energies. It felt a bit unreal like I was in an improvisational theater. They were screaming, behaving angrily with an intensity that felt at odd with the spiritual setting of a cacao ceremony. One of them even took a glass and broke it in thousand pieces on the floor. Did they have unresolved anger issues or were we tanking them? It was unclear. At some point, I attempted to contain the Kali energy of one of them as I was used to. It went well until she lashed back at me, which triggered me as I was just trying to help her without any ulterior motives (at least consciously). I shared openly my trigger with the group. I became aware I was again a match to Kali. They supported me to go into my own fears. I saw clearly that I was feeling unsafe and out-of-control. I took responsibility for my state and attempted to go deeper to see what was lying under the fear. I started to breath heavily to bring up the repressed emotions. I first observed my own anger. The group continued to act as a safe container as I went deeper. I realized that her wrath was her desperate attempt for connection. Kali wanted people closer to her. I could see how my attempts to stay in control with my mind were just alienating Kali even more as it made me more distant emotionally. While I thought I was deescalating an argument, I saw how all these years, I was instead intensifying Kali’s rage by aggravating her abandonment fears and her desperate need for intimacy. All my attempts to be in control were creating more chaos as I was not meeting Kali’s needs. Kali wanted to be loved as she is, she wanted me closer, she wanted to be fully contained by me. She wanted to be contained more with my body and emotions than my mind. With the help of breathwork, I started to play somatically with Kali. I made sounds, moved around, got in touch with own beast, matched the intensity of her vibration and entered into the chaos with confidence and fearlessness. My body and emotions had taken over. Kali felt seen and she shifted. She started crying and connected to her inner wound. Healing started for her. On my side, I felt a strong sensation in my belly connected with shame. I had made the expression of volatile & wild emotions so unacceptable that I was struggling with my own expression of engaging with Kali, judging it as ridiculous. I had made these emotions so unacceptable in me that I was selecting partners to manifest them externally. I saw my worry and my fear of being judged harshly by others if I were to lose my temper. I saw the projection of this fear in my severe judgment of people who are lacking self-control. I saw how for so many years I had been shaming Kali and made things much worse in the process. All my life, I had been focused in controlling other people reactions, in evaluating situations to create the desired outcome, in manipulating reality through my mind. There was no spontaneity. My mind was in charge to make that next sale, to make the woman I loved happy, to be liked by others, to create the desired outcome. But as long as my inner “manager” was in charge, I was failing because I lacked authenticity and people feel the difference. People cannot trust in-authenticity. I became aware that being an artist is to express from within without attempting to control the outcome. If I were to make the shift from an engineer to an artist, I had to face that fear. I finally gave in and surrendered. I saw all the marketing that inundate us daily as part of the same manipulation and mind control. I made the commitment to step into my authenticity, into the unknown and stop controlling the reality that will be created as a result. We are messy inside and this is OK. I am setting an intention to live a spontaneous life. Unfortunately, to learn this very important lesson, all my attachments were destroyed and I lost the people I loved most in my life to reach this realization. I am the one who did it, not Kali. Kali only wanted to be loved and embraced fully and bring awareness to my own demons.

I am setting the intention to stop fighting with Kali but rather dance with her.

Women (or men): do you recognize the Kali energy in you? How does it manifest?

Men (or women): how do you respond to Kali energy in your partners? What are your fears associated with this expression?

Vaillant

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teaching

It is very clear to me that I entered a new phase of my life. I have stripped away many false identities and personalities. Over the past couple of months, a new first name kept popping up intuitively for me. First, I dismissed it and did not make too much of it. Then, as it kept coming back, I started to consider it. The direction of my new life appeared more clearly to me and it became evident I had to carry a first name that is more aligned with the new energies I am meant to bring forth. So this is it. I will change my first name from Ale to Vaillant when I turn 45 on June 20th.

A similar event happened to me when I turned 26. I had just integrated the biggest trauma of my childhood, and my focus and desire turned into external physical manifestation. I was provided intuitively the new first name Ale. Ale has the same pronunciation in French than “Allez” which means “Go for it”. It facilitates the transfer from thought to action, and helped me going from a dreamer and explorer to a doer. During that time, I built a healthcare and a software company in the Silicon Valley, ran a non-profit organization, had 2 children in a 15 year marriage and was Vice Consul of Monaco for 7 years.

In my early twenties, I became fascinated with numerology. While I do not rely on divination arts such as astrology, tarot, human design, numerology or palmistry to make my decisions, I have always been impressed with the insights provided by them, and they offer a great validation tool to what we already feel intuitively. So I looked at the numerology meaning of the different names and what I found sealed my decision!

I was born Alexandre. In Chaldean name numerology, its destiny number is a 4. 4s are influenced by Uranus that bring sudden and unexpected events in a mysterious way. During my childhood, my family life was quite unstable with many moves and the divorce of my parents when I was 10. I joined a cult when I was 20 (left when I was 23), got married the first time when I was 21 and emigrated to the US on my own when I was 22. I actually did not take my career seriously until I turned 26. 4s are known to plan the foundation of the future with weird ideas. They are practical persons that believe in individualism, tolerance and originality. This is very consistent with my youth. I was quite individualistic and distrusted groups because of my enmeshment fears. I was very practical with my schoolwork always striving to be the best and I was an idealist at the same time with a sincere desire to change the world. I showed a secretive nature displayed unexpected behavior to others as 4s typically do during this phase of my life.

As I turned 26, after a deep spiritual experience, I decided to name myself Ale. In Chaldean name numerology, its destiny number is a 9. 9s are ruled by Mars, which brings courage, aggression and humanitarian endeavors. 9s are risk takers, lead by positive example, are fighters that eventually become successful by grit, strong will and determination. 9s unfortunately experience many quarrels and strife in their home life. This was quite consistent with this phase of my life. I built a non-profit what became the largest French speaking networking organization in the Silicon Valley and helped many in the process. Then I founded my own company that kept growing despite so many obstacles I had to face along the way. My hard work, determination and perseverance made me prevail against all odds every time. I was married and divorced twice during that time, and my marriages were marked with many conflicts and drama though there was also a lot of positive coming out of them.

In Chaldean name numerology, Vaillant destiny number is a 6. 6s are ruled by Venus, the planet of love, romance, beauty, art and truth. They strongly trust in truth, justice and humanity. They are born teachers and healers. It also symbolizes unconditional love, home and hearth, loving relationships of every kind and deep compassion bordering on empathy. This is again very consistent to what I am feeling internally or what I am aspiring to. The Mars energy helped me achieve many external goals but left many of my relationships in shambles. I know I am meant to heal these relationships. I feel the thirst in my soul for the 6 energy, and we will see what comes out of it 🙂

According to Teal, I have spent most of my past incarnations as a female (and she has spent most of her past incarnations as a male) and this resonates with me. My astrology south node is in Cancer and I was a whiny kid that was shamed a lot for crying easily. I was raised in a culture and time where real men are tough and do not show emotions. So I had to repress many of the feminine energies in me to eventually become the alpha male that I became in my thirties. It was important for my soul to acquire this Mars energy in this lifetime however Venus energy feels more like home to me. I want to be a man that can integrate and welcome the more feminine qualities of nurturing, empathy, spontaneity and unconditional love. By harmonizing the Yin and the Yang in me, I will eventually be able to recreate this harmonious union of the feminine and masculine in my personal life, which is something I have failed to do up to this point.

What I feel intuitively as I enter this new cycle of life, and become Vaillant, I will become relationship-focused rather than action-focused. I will probably spend more time in Europe as its culture is more focused on relations. I want my life to be more about helping people, enjoying deeper connection with others, experiencing harmony in my home and relationships. I am getting to understand that ultimate happiness comes from sharing your inner light and joy with others, from helping others to reconnect with the love of their soul, from appreciating beauty around us and the simple things of life, to love God and to love each other.

Since I have been a teenager, one of my favorite song has been the “businessman blues” from Michel Berger. It was made popular internationally by Celine Dion and I would like to share it with you here. Here are the lyrics translated in English that express so well the transition from 9 to 6 energies.

The businessman’s blues

I’m successful in business

I’m successful in love

I often change of secretary

My office is at the top of a tower

From there I contemplate the whole city

From there I control my universe

I spend half my life in the air

Between New York and Singapour

I always travel in first class

I have my secondary residence

In all the Hiltons of the Earth

I can’t stand poverty

At least, are you happy?

I’m not happy but I look like it

I lost my sense of humor

Since I have a business sense

I have succeeded and I am proud of it

In fact, I only have a single regret

I am not doing what I wanted to do

What do you want my friend

In life we do what we can

Not what we want…

I wanted to be an artist

To be able to play my act

When the plane lands on the runway

In Rotterdam or in Rio

I wanted to be a singer

To be able to scream who I am

I wanted to be a writer

To be able to create my life (bis)

I wanted to be an actor

To change skin everyday

And to be able to think I am handsome

On a big colored screen (bis)

I wanted to be an artist

To make a new world

To be able to be an anarchist

And live like a millionaire (bis)

I wanted to be an artist

To be able to say why I exist

Is your name energy aligned to who you truly are? Who do you want to become and which name resonates with you? Would you like to empower yourself to create your own destiny?

Stepping into authenticity

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authenticityIt has become clear to me that the events of the past couple of years were meant to get me to step into my authenticity. Most of us are suffering from attachment traumas because our caregivers were not able to give us the unconditional love, reflection, emotional support, attention and availability that we needed to develop into emotionally secure human being. Why? Simply because they suffered the same traumas, and what is not healed is passed on to the next generation. These attachment traumas convert into the belief that something is wrong with us and that we are not lovable (core shame). As a result, we create masks in order to get the love that we desperately need. I have seen this subconscious pattern clearly in my love relationships over a 20-year period. The enmeshment trauma with my mum combined with the absence of my dad has created the unconscious belief that I can only be loved for what I do, the role I play and not for who I am. In this configuration, to be needed is to be loved while too much neediness is putting my inner child in a panic as it reminds this immature self of the pressure it could not handle. So here is my pattern. I fall in love with a woman, and I seduce her by projecting the image of the type of man that she wants. One was in an abusive relationship, so I became her savior. Another one was in deep spiritual search, so I became a spiritual guide. Another one was in search of financial security and status so I became a provider,  a successful executive or a vice-consul. Another one needed constant external emotional regulation so I became a full-time caretaker. The trick worked in getting the woman I fell for, but there are consequences. As time passes, my partner gets to see the other parts of me and feels duped. By that time, she is however attached and committed to make the relationship work, especially as she struggles with her own abandonment traumas. Frequent arguments and constant drama are the mark of such relationships as my partner is in love with someone she is incompatible with. Her whole focus becomes about fixing me to become the person I was when I was courting her. This triggers my shame and I respond by pointing her own flaws, which triggers in turn her own shame. In my attempts to get my love relationship to work, I developed impressive skills in holding a container for someone I am not compatible with. This is truly exhausting. Stepping into authenticity, being completely open about who I am with the belief that I am lovable the way I am, is the better alternative.

To be authentic, we first have to know who we are. I am a Gemini man who is known to be the most complex sign of the zodiac. To make the matter harder, this is also a mutable sign. Now that I am in my 40s, I feel I can better define the core of who I am, and I am going to make my best attempt to describe it. I invite every one of you to do the same exercise.

Who am I?

I am curious, smart, adventurous, responsible, positive, high-energy, a free spirit, driven, loyal, flexible, resilient, complex, eccentric, daring, resourceful, spiritual, creative, perseverant, intense, self-reliant and introspective. I am a spiritual warrior, a magician, a lover and a leader. On the negative, I can be stubborn, willful and uncompromising when I have made up my mind. I am afraid of boredom. I have several splits: warm, loving and generous vs cold-hearted, kind & sweet vs insensitive, very social vs solitary, deeply intimate vs emotionally unavailable. I do not smoke, rarely drink, do not drink coffee, never take medication unless seriously sick, I am a vegetarian and believe in a healthy lifestyle. I value financial security and believe in living within your means. I believe in fairness, justice and reciprocity.

Relationships

I love women and I am a sexual being. I love physical touch but I love connecting just as much through deep, introspective and interesting conversations. Sex is only appealing to me when it comes with a love connection. I love to love and to feel loved. I am very cuddly as I go to sleep and wake up in the morning but I will pull away in my sleep during the night. I love women who have embraced their darkness, sexuality and authenticity but can also be kind, motherly and protective. I love their purity of heart, spontaneity and sensitivity. I am into witches and artists. I am slightly love avoidant so I need someone who has the capacity to handle my coming and going with minimum anxiety. I am an alpha and I do not mind sharing the lead with a powerful woman as long as there is respect, reciprocity and no double standard. I enjoy nurturing from women tremendously. I like to be needed but not smothered. The times I have been the happiest in my life have been in an intimate relationship so love relationships are very important to me.

In friendship, I am loyal and I rely on my personal interactions with a person rather than other people’s opinions. I like people who are vulnerable, authentic and share their feelings openly. I prefer one-on-ones to group interactions, as I like to go deep. I like kind, complex and secure individuals where silence is just as comfortable as conversation. The security to care for each other in difficult times is important to me.

I love my teenage children, want to earn back their love to reconnect with them.

I am comfortable around crowds and I am expert at networking though I prefer more intimate gatherings.

Career

I am an entrepreneur and a problem solver. I love starting new ventures from scratch. I need to use my mental capacities to make a difference in people’s lives. I enjoy financial independence through real estate or business. I like stretching myself and taking risk. I need an interesting career project that is outside my relationship. I like to have control over my own time. I love working from inspiration. I transform the suffering I went through, to help others going through the same ordeal using my life experience. I like philanthropic work especially for more difficult environments such as jail, hospice, orphanage, parental alienation and ritual abuse. I love that feeling to know I have made a difference in someone’s life. I want to be liked and respected in the community for my contribution. I need significance, not only vicariously by association but also for my own contribution. I like teaching, and having a leadership role.

Hobbies

My favorite sport is tennis and I like playing it competitively. I enjoy skiing, scuba diving, biking, hiking, camping, going to the gym and running. Though I love going to the beach, I enjoy the mountains even more. I like watching movies that are meaningful, documentaries and French movies. I like going out to restaurants and performances with my loved ones. My favorite music is transcendental, 80s pop, French and classical. I like a nice comfortable & beautiful home. I like community living for the emotional support, company, and convenience but I need to have enough one-on-one time with my beloved. I love traveling and exploring new exotic places. I like inviting people over for dinner and company. I enjoy cooking food for others as long as it is not everyday and an expectation. I like organizing weekend get-outs and vacation for my loved ones. I love the outdoors.

Inner life

Meaning is important to me. I want the feeling that I have an impact and that my life is meaningful. I want a purposeful life that improves the quality of many lives. I want to live a heart-centered life. I want to awaken my subtle senses and feel so much more about life, people, animals and plants. I want to be healthy, be physically active and pain free. I like to do process work with people, to bring them to a space of new realizations and change their lives. I like process work too when I am able to get new release or understanding. I believe in balance, and in a life with eyes on the sky with feet planted solidly on the ground. I enjoy shamanic work, and accessing higher awareness to improve my life. I enjoy writing about my inner life and new understanding. My life is driven by the pursuit of happiness which is best achieved by living a heart-centered life that translates into sharing love and caring for each other, a deep connection with our Creator, simplicity, abundance and contemplation.

What a freedom and liberation to be open about who we truly are! No more need for manipulation. We stop sending mixed signals. People can decide on their own if we are the type of person they would like to know better. We prefer being alone (but not lonely) than to spend time with incompatible people. Despite all our personal flaws, we still believe we are lovable just the way we are. We create a life that feels good because it is full of the people and the things we love. We become trustworthy as we connect deeper to our core. We empower ourselves to attract into our life what we value most. Our inner peace is less disturbed by external situations, obstacles and tragedies.

Come play with me and take some time to share with the rest of us who you are too!